tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27048121670416098312024-03-05T03:56:20.276-07:00In the Dark and Dreary Wildnerness"I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong...now all that's left of me is what i pretend to be, so together, but so broken up inside..."darkdrearywildernesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13740281438409811684noreply@blogger.comBlogger72125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2704812167041609831.post-7934733531110967502011-07-03T15:55:00.000-06:002011-07-03T15:55:16.322-06:00Book ReviewsI've been neglecting my reviews of gay-themed books lately! It's definitely not all I read, but let me just briefly mention some of the gay-themed stuff I've read lately. Click on the links for more info about each book.<br />
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First is <i><a href="http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/8525600-boyfriends-with-girlfriends">Boyfriends with Girlfriends</a></i> by Alex Sanchez. Alex Sanchez has written alot of YA gay fiction, and is one of my favorite authors. This book is about a gay teen and his questioning girl friend (not girlfriend!) who meet a bi boy and his lesbian friend. Questioning and growth ensue. Four out of five stars.<br />
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Next is <i><a href="http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6919589-no-going-back">No Going Back</a></i> by Jonathan Langford. I really liked this one. It's about a gay teen Mormon boy, and how his parents, friends, ward, and school friends deal with him being gay. Well written, and I look forward to more from this author. Five out of five stars. Get the ebook <a href="http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/13051">here</a> for a really good price, and read a good review of it <a href="http://latterdaymainstreet.com/2009/09/23/what-the-church-really-offers-to-gay-male-mormons-jonathan-langfords-no-going-back/">here</a>.<br />
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Next up is <i><a href="http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2636748-in-the-eye-of-the-storm">In the Eye of the Storm</a></i> by Gene Robinson. The author is the Bishop of a rural Episcopal congregation in New Hampshire. And he's gay. I hoped for more from this book. I wanted to know more about his personal story and how his sexuality and spirituality affect each other. Or how LGBT Christians can get more out of the church. It was good, but it was more just a collection of his sermons. Two out of five stars.<br />
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<i><a href="http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7882705-love-drugged">Love Drugged</a> </i> by James Klise came recommended by <a href="http://oppressiveimagination.blogspot.com/">my friend D3.</a> It's pretty much a gay fantasy (not in a sexual way though, perv!) in that a struggling teen discovers a pill that a mad scientist invented to eradicate homosexuality, and he decides to take it. Complications ensue. Three out of five stars.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWgPt7MJa6Yysg-GW13F3_j0R5n-Gd09uBbiIlIRLB4YwWKAGBuIhkvEY2c72kZdBkKAeCGQRjXuGcLc1D4RvYITZcJKrRN2s1xCNLy_40OOIL54xH4OlFWY8lIylyWS1a8CmfF-aR-PFi/s1600/8712384.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWgPt7MJa6Yysg-GW13F3_j0R5n-Gd09uBbiIlIRLB4YwWKAGBuIhkvEY2c72kZdBkKAeCGQRjXuGcLc1D4RvYITZcJKrRN2s1xCNLy_40OOIL54xH4OlFWY8lIylyWS1a8CmfF-aR-PFi/s1600/8712384.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<i><a href="http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/8712384-gemini-bites">Gemini Bites</a></i> by Patrick Ryan could also be considered a fantasy. It's not a typical struggle/coming-out story like much gay YA lit is; the main teen boy just happens to be gay and is already out and mostly happy (yay for happy gay teens!). He and his family take another boy into their home, who may or may not be gay...and may or may not be a vampire. The first boy's twin sister is the third point in the love triangle. Sounds corny, but it's funny as heck. Four out of five stars.<br />
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We can't forget <i><a href="http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/11231881-gay-mormons">Gay Mormons?: Latter-day Saint Experiences of Same-Gender Attraction </a></i>by my awesome roomie Brent Kerby. The title says it all. A must-read. Five out of five stars. Get a hard copy or ebook <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1461034221?ie=UTF8&tag=httpwwwgoodco-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1461034221&SubscriptionId=1MGPYB6YW3HWK55XCGG2">here</a>.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnqIrWFcu-_WmeOCLw13_EgeaxyDzNMlbCPI2vnyaI1o8x5Hp97NArgVSZ_boDQNGXDYbeTIjPVy7RoV7C20G57KaB8x8eAR9fYaXcJdHC3UV_nh-6b6_pYMG3KzoSzY3k_8A71hcj7mNy/s1600/kellercomic6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnqIrWFcu-_WmeOCLw13_EgeaxyDzNMlbCPI2vnyaI1o8x5Hp97NArgVSZ_boDQNGXDYbeTIjPVy7RoV7C20G57KaB8x8eAR9fYaXcJdHC3UV_nh-6b6_pYMG3KzoSzY3k_8A71hcj7mNy/s320/kellercomic6.jpg" width="211" /></a></div><br />
Last but not least is <a href="http://www.archiecomics.com/index.html">Kevin Keller</a>. Remember Archie Comics from back in the day? They're still around, and have introduced a gay character! He was first introduced in Veronica #202, and now has his own 4-issue series (just the first is out so far). Hopefully he will be popular enough to be a regular character. The high point in the first issue was a Stand-By-Me-reminiscent barf-o-rama after a pie eating contest. Can't get better than that, and it shows that gay kids are perfectly normal! See what AfterElton says about it <a href="http://www.afterelton.com/print/2010/10/archie-kevin-keller-review">here</a>, <a href="http://www.afterelton.com/print/kevin-keller-archie-comic-preview">here</a>, and <a href="http://www.afterelton.com/print/kevin-keller-dan-parent-archie-interview/">here</a>.darkdrearywildernesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13740281438409811684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2704812167041609831.post-13404386379536067572011-05-29T11:01:00.000-06:002011-05-29T11:01:42.763-06:00I HATE PRIDEThere, I said it. I know that makes me a bad gay, but I really don't like it. I don't like holidays in general though, so it's not because of any internalized homophobia or anything. It just reminds me of who I am (a guy with few friends and fewer close ones), who I'm not (a hot twink, a happily partnered guy, someone who everyone wants to be around), and who I don't want to become (a lonely old guy, an old queen, someone who has no one). I'll be skipping it this year.darkdrearywildernesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13740281438409811684noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2704812167041609831.post-14220072345488968152011-04-17T19:37:00.000-06:002011-04-17T19:37:05.111-06:00Book Review: The Questions Christians Hope No One Will Ask (with answers) by Mark MittelbergAs a progressive Christian, this book grabbed my attention and I hoped to gain some insight into difficult questions that people ask about Christianity. Unfortunately, this wasn't the case. I read the first chapter ("What makes you so sure that God exists at all?") and agreed with the conclusion that of course God exists, but disagreed with much of Mittelberg's supporting evidence, which used circular reasoning and other faulty arguments. For example, he states that apart from God there can be no objective moral standards, but we clearly live in a world that has objective moral standards, so there has to be a divine moral lawgiver. Why do moral standards necessarily come from God though? Or: one of the ways we can know that God is real and active in our world is that he's real and active in our lives. What? <br />
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So I turned to Chapter 7 ("Why do you condemn homosexuality when it's clear that God made gays and that he loves all people the same?") Mittelberg takes a step in the right direction by saying we shouldn't condemn gay people, that we should seek to understand them, etc. But his answer to the question is essentially "love the sinner but hate the sin" or "we condemn gay people because the Bible says we should." He especially turned me off when he essentially said "notice I haven't used any scriptures to condemn homosexuality because they can be used to make people feel bad" but then goes on to outline them all. Ugh. I had hoped for something more progressive here.<br />
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I figured I would give the book one more chance. So I read Chapter 5 ("How could a good God allow so much evil, pain, and suffering?) The answer was basically "that's just how it is and we have to live with it", and gave the standard answers I hear at church every Sunday -- pain can deepen our character, it gives a spiritual and eternal perspective, he uses pain to protect us from ourselves (what?!), etc. Sigh...no real answers here for a non-Christian asking the question, let alone a Christian sincerely struggling with the issue.<br />
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I read the summaries of the rest of the chapters, but disappointingly it was more of the same. Mittelberg is a good and engaging writer, and (from my perspective) comes from a loving, caring, but conservative and traditional approach. For a more hopeful approach, I would recommend "A New Kind of Christianity" by Brian D. McLaren.darkdrearywildernesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13740281438409811684noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2704812167041609831.post-45565488891071732382011-04-11T14:04:00.000-06:002011-04-11T14:04:22.670-06:00Update and crushesWell, I haven't blogged for awhile (obviously). I guess that's probably because things have been going pretty well, and since a lot of the time I use my blog to vent, I haven't needed to write anything. I don't know that my life is any <i>better</i> than it has been in the past, but lately there are definitely more good and neutral days than bad days. I have 3 awesome roommates and we get along well. And spring is almost here!<br />
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I kind of want to write about crushes. As usual with my blog, this will likely be fairly disorganized since I'm just kind of putting my thoughts on paper (well, computer) as they come. Lately I've been crushing on guys more...I think this is probably a good thing, since it probably means I'm over Mr. Doofus Face who stole my heart and kept it hidden away for awhile (hahaha sorry sir, since I know you sometimes read this blog). The thing is....I've decided I hate crushes. It's kind of fun when I first start getting to know a person and start sort of liking them, but after that comes the overthinking and insecurity and awkwardness and trying not to be overbearing. And ultimately, the rejection. I had one crush where I liked the way it was going...I was confident about it and didn't project any negativity, as far as I know. And I was successful in not getting emotionally attached to the guy. But then the guy got distant and disappeared...no clue why. I guess it wasn't meant to be. Sometimes I really hate trying to meet people. Trying to find my Prince Charming (for me) is like looking for a needle in a haystack, even though it seems so easy for other people. But if I give up and stop looking to avoid the rejection and negative feelings I'll never find what I'm looking for. And I'm highly pessimistic that he'll just fall into my lap, hence the need for being proactive.<br />
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I'm crushing on a new guy that I've been talking to for about a week. We seem to have alot in common, although there are some big differences also. I enjoy talking to him and my introvertedness hasn't been a barrier, which I take to be a good sign. But now I'm starting the negative phase, second guessing myself, overthinking things way too much (am I texting him too much? or not enough? why would he even want to consider giving me a chance? is it just all in my head that there's a possibility there? he hasn't texted me today, what did i do wrong? i'm way too old anyway. etc, etc.) There are a couple of other guys that I would also really like to get to know (one just to be friends with, the other friends also but with the potential for more) , but for some reason they intimidate me. I've only interacted with them briefly on facebook (friends in common, comments on posts, that kind of thing). I've texted a bit with one of them, and I've tried to engage the other one a bit more with limited success. I'm sure I'll have the chance to meet them in a social situation at some point (and I actually don't think I'll have a problem doing that) but it just bugs me that I feel intimidated by them. Stupid social anxiety.darkdrearywildernesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13740281438409811684noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2704812167041609831.post-57784766417427798312011-01-26T11:54:00.000-07:002011-01-26T11:54:00.374-07:00What Do I Do With a Flaky Friend (Who I Also Love)<Note: I've saved this post to write out when I'm in a good mood so it doesn't come across as whiny or complainy. Lately I hate drama more than usual so I don't want to be the cause of it, and I don't want to be high-maintenance either. So it's a serious post, but not in the "woe is me" kind of way.><br />
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So I have this friend. We've known each other for about 2 1/2 years, I think...or is it longer than that? Honest disclosure: I was in love with him for awhile but the feelings weren't reciprocated. It caused me alot of pain but I decided his friendship was worth it, so like a masochist I decided to maintain the friendship. I value my friendships alot, and will usually do everything I can to keep them. I don't usually let myself just "drift away" for no reason.<br />
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I still love this friend alot. Not in a romantic way anymore; I've turned it into more of a best friend/brother type of love. He has a boyfriend now and they seem very happy together, so I don't harbor any secret hopes of him falling for me. I'm human though, so I do get a bit jealous sometimes...I wish it was me he was spending time with, or going on road trips with, or introducing to his family (even just as a friend). <br />
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So, to get to the point, he's pretty flaky lately. Yeah, he's busy, yeah he has a boyfriend, but he cancels plans with me, he doesn't talk to me unless I talk to him first, etc. And since I love him like a brother, it hurts. I've grieved and moved on from the loss of a possible relationship with him, so that doesn't hurt anymore. What does hurt, though, is that I feel like we're not that close anymore. We've drifted apart. I suppose that's natural, since he has a boyfriend and that relationship is usually more important than a friendship. But since I see him as a brother I still want to be part of his life, know what he's feeling, know what he's doing. Maybe I expect too much, though. There are pretty big signs that he doesn't see me as his brother the way I see him. E.g. cancelling lunch plans on Christmas Eve when I was going to give him his gift (I still haven't seen him to give it to him). Not rescheduling the plans. Not telling me about his birthday or a trip he went on (I learned about it from Facebook). Maybe these are petty things that shouldn't bother me. But it would never cross my mind to NOT let my best friends know that I'm going on a trip, or to wish them Happy Christmas, or make them a part of my birthday. Since my friend isn't doing that, it makes me realize I'm really not a part of his life anymore.<br />
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So what to do? I've started putting distance between him and me. I don't text him that much anymore, and I haven't invited him to hang out for awhile (even though I've wanted to). I've stopped sharing things with him that I would usually tell a best friend, and I'm (trying) to make him into a "regular" friend...a friend that I catch up with every once in a while but don't see or talk to regularly. Doing this won't get me what I want though...I want my best friend back (without me having to make all the effort). But I don't control his feelings, and the only thing I can control is how I act toward him. Do I keep being the longsuffering, ever-supportive friend who is there no matter what? Even though it hurts? Or do I do what people tell me is best for me in the long run...let him go, and find someone that can be a better friend? Honestly, I'm starting to give up...it hurts less, and I'm just too tired to try to save it. <br />
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But I love him and I'll miss him.darkdrearywildernesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13740281438409811684noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2704812167041609831.post-31263380839221952202010-12-21T00:39:00.000-07:002010-12-21T00:39:40.968-07:00Quick updateJust a quick update on me since I haven't written anything for almost a month. Life doesn't suck. I guess the vitamins I've been taking are working! I haven't been super happy about anything, but I haven't really been down or depressed either. Which is good, because the holidays usually overwhelm me with the pressure to be happy, spend money, etc. I feel guily lately about complaining, because my life could definitely be alot worse. Yeah, I don't really like my job too much, but I'm grateful that I have one. I get lonely sometimes, but I have really good roommates that I've been hanging out with and a few other friends here and there. My heart will probably never be whole again, but I have three little people that love me unconditionally. I'm getting old and ugly, but I have my health and I can do things outdoors that I enjoy. I struggle for money but my bills get paid, I have a roof over my head, and a car to get me places. Things could always get better, especially in the Prince Charming department, but I'm grateful for what I have and recognize how lucky I am. :)darkdrearywildernesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13740281438409811684noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2704812167041609831.post-37347748385370963212010-11-28T21:22:00.000-07:002010-11-28T21:22:28.436-07:00Book Review: The Less-Dead<a href="http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6538701-the-less-dead">The Less-Dead by April Lurie</a><br />
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Noah is 16 and is the son of the Bible Answer Guy, a local evangelical Christian radio personality. Noah has pretty much rejected most of his father's beliefs, although he still goes to church and is in love with the pastor's daughter. Noah meets Will, another student at his school for troubled kids who shares Noah's interest in music and poetry. Will and Noah quickly become friends even though Will is gay and Noah is straight.<br />
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Meanwhile, a serial killer is on the loose and is targeting gay teens. Noah believes that the killer has been a caller on his dad's program. After Will becomes the third victim and Noah finds clues written by the killer in Will's journal, Noah decides to investigate and is in danger of becoming a victim himself.<br />
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This book is like other books that address homosexuality and religion, such as <a href="http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/673498.The_God_Box">The God Box</a> by Alex Sanchez (highly recommended) but is different in that it's a murder mystery with a gay character in a supporting role. Some of the plot elements were pretty far-fetched and the end wasn't too much of a surprise, but the characters were likeable and well-developed. I finished the book in a few days, and that is usually an indication that I liked it.<br />
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I didn't really identify with any of the characters, but I think the book gave a realistic picture of how things are nowadays between straight and gay kids. We hear alot about bullying, but most kids don't care one way or the other about their friends' sexual preferences. Noah is a little bit weirded out when he learns Will is gay, and things get awkward when he finds out that Will kind of likes him. Noah regrets that his last interaction with Will was pushing him away. I like how other characters interact with Will and deal with homosexuality as well. Noah's conservative dad is a little nervous about Will at first but has a good discussion with him over dinner. Most of the kids in the church don't care that Will is gay, and the pastor's daughter is instrumental in getting her dad to stop affiliating with a group that tries to change gay people to straight. The church's youth pastor is also gay-affirming. This isn't the deepest book in the world, but <span class="readable" id="reviewTextContainer77692670"><span class="reviewText" id="freeText7021357882061598609">the characters confront a number of important questions such as what it means to be a Christian, how to confront hate, the nature of faith, and the difference between saying you are gay-friendly and actually having gay friends.</span></span><br />
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<span class="readable" id="reviewTextContainer77692670"><span class="reviewText" id="freeText7021357882061598609">Not as good as Sanchez's <i>The God Box</i>, but a good read nonetheless. </span></span>darkdrearywildernesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13740281438409811684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2704812167041609831.post-21904002649924672642010-11-21T23:16:00.000-07:002010-11-21T23:16:30.099-07:00I have alot of thoughts bouncing around in my head and I'm not quite sure how to write them down in an organized fashion. So I guess I'll just write and see where things go. <br />
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This week was my birthday. It was pretty much just a regular day like any other, and I deliberately didn't set my expectations too high so that I wouldn't end up disappointed (like other birthdays). Lots of people wished my happy birthday on facebook, a few called or did it in person or sent a personal text, and a couple of people invited me out to celebrate. <br />
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This weekend was good, though. It doesn't take too much to make me happy, and meeting a friend for lunch and shopping, and then hanging out with my roomies and going to see a movie was enough to put me in a good mood. It's great living with other introverts...I can say "I'm going to take a break and be antisocial for a little while" and they'll know exactly what I mean. Usually I just keep to myself at home, but lately I think we've gotten closer as roommates and we enjoy being together.<br />
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The friend I had lunch with...I always enjoy spending time with him. Unrequited love sucks though. From what I can see, I have three options: cut him off, be depressed and jealous, or love him as a best friend and brother and be happy for him. I've half-heartedly tried the first option and it isn't what I want. The second option is what I've been choosing, but it's getting old. So I'm trying for the third option. I want to be happy that he's happy with his boyfriend. I want to be excited for him, even when he does things with his boyfriend that I wish it was me doing with him...going on a roadtrip, meeting his parents, etc. I'm honestly not to that point yet, but hopefully I'll get there. At least I know he cares about me as a friend.<br />
<br />
I've been pretty down and depressed lately. I'm about due for another round of depression anyway, and the cold weather and the holidays are always hard for me. My symptoms aren't as bad as they have been on other occasions, but I'm more irritible than usual, I'm sleeping a bit more than usual, I cry for no reason, I occasionally lock myself in the bathroom (for some reason that's my "safe place" when I feel too overwhelmed), I have a negative outlook on the future, and checking out permanently is always at the back of my mind (although it's not a realistic option at this point). I've been reading up on how certain vitamins help the brain absorp antidepressants better, so I've started taking some to see if I can get them to work better. So far I'm having fewer mood swings...I don't know if it's just a placebo effect or if it's really working. We'll see what happens.<br />
<br />
I'm going to try to get into the habit of praying more, especially when I'm feeling down. I tried it tonight, asking for comfort from my lonliness, and it popped into my head that Heavenly Father doesn't want me to feel that way. It makes sense...he loves me and I'm sure it makes him sad to see me suffering. I guess that's my small contribution to the "it gets better" theme. So far it really hasn't for me, but if I could tell something to a young person that is suffering, it's that God doesn't hate you, he loves you with all his heart and it makes him sad that you're struggling so much. He is there with you even in your darkest moments.<br />
<br />
That's it for now.darkdrearywildernesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13740281438409811684noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2704812167041609831.post-20001158531182346582010-11-11T14:52:00.001-07:002010-11-11T14:52:52.216-07:00Untitled<br>It's probably a good thing that I feel too blah and unmotivated to do anything stupid. Guess I'll just keep faking it til i make it. But God, if you want to send some happiness my way, I'd sure appreciate it. <br />darkdrearywildernesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13740281438409811684noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2704812167041609831.post-35614110610350221412010-11-10T22:04:00.001-07:002010-11-10T22:04:42.635-07:00Never Been Kissed<br>I loved this week's episode of Glee. Maybe I'm just in a sensitive/sentimental mood, but it really impacted me, especially Kurt's and Coach Bieste's storylines. The songs were awesome too. The character I identified with least but wished i could be the most was Blaine. So hot, so confident... the exact opposite of me. I'm in love! When he was singing i couldn't help but think about how much easier it is to be young and gay today than when i was in high school. It's already gotten better, ya young whippersnappers... what i wouldnt give to be an out and confident highschooler. Or even an out and nonconfident highschooler. At least you guys are out, and not stuck in the closet til it's almost too late. But back to Blaine (mmmm, yum)... if i was confident like him maybe i wouldnt have such a problem getting guys to notice/like me. Something to work on. <br /><br>Lately i haven't liked Kurt very much. He's so moody and victimy... reminds me of somebody (me). Ugh, is that who i am? I would definitely like to be Kurt though now. He's gonna get the sweet sweet hotness of Blaine's.................. lips. But yeah, i guess i identify with Kurt. I know what i want but I'm not confident enough to get it, and i blame life for sucking but i don't do much to change it. So hopefully what happened to Kurt will happen to me... lucious sexiness will suddenly appear in my life (yeah right). Seriously though, what i learned from Kurt is to stop being a victim of life's suckiness. Accept it or do something to change it but dont be the whiny bitch that i am about it. <br /><br>The character i identified with most, unfortunately, was Coach Bieste. Not that I'm 40 and never been kissed, but I'm abrasive and awkward and not very attractive. Like Bieste, i have a nice marshmallowy inside, but the outside scares people. She (and I) has friends that care about her, gets pity kisses, and has reasons to smile sometimes. But the two of us are pretty beat down and don't have the energy to fight it anymore. We dont have realistic prospects for love. We're cynical and resigned to life's suckiness. Yep. <br />darkdrearywildernesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13740281438409811684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2704812167041609831.post-79031522432023203202010-11-09T09:28:00.000-07:002010-11-09T09:28:16.660-07:00Life and deathI've always figured that if I don't die suddenly in an accident or by some freak sickness, I'll probably die by suicide. Now, don't go getting all worried...I'm not depressed at the moment, and I'm not thinking of taking my life anytime in the near future. But I've always thought that I'd rather move on to the next life instead of being sick or old, wasting precious resources and being a burden to others, or not being in control of my body or mind and being able to live a quality life. I've been thinking more about this lately because of my grandpa. He's in his late eighties or early nineties and recently was in the hospital because he fell and broke his hip in a couple of places. He can't get around very well on his own, is going blind and deaf, and has a hard time remembering who people are. At first they weren't sure if he was going to make it, since a hip injury in people that age can be pretty serious, but he recovered enough to get out of the hospital. My grandma decided that she would need to put him in a nursing home until he gets better since she wouldn't be able to manage his needs. This was a very hard decision, and she knew that he wouldn't want to be there. I can't speak for my grandpa, but if it were me in that situation I would probably rather move on to the next phase of existence rather than be in a nursing home. Apparently he is lonely and depressed and angry. I would be too.<br />
<br />
This might sound pretty callous, but in a way, it's not really my grandpa that's in the nursing home. It's a broken, weak shell of a body that doesn't work very well anymore, and a mind that is only there part-time. It's the remains of a man that has lived a long, fulfilling life. It's not the World War II veteran who spent time in a Japanese prison camp. It's not the caring father who raised 6 daughters and 1 son. It's not the architect that designed and built his own house. It's not the grandpa that would play with me when I was a child, letting me run the controls of his model train set or look at his coin collection that he hid in a secret compartment in a wall. That man is long gone. Or if not gone, imprisoned in a physical body that will only continue to deteriorate.<br />
<br />
I'm glad I don't have to make decisions about what to do about my grandpa. I dread having to make decisions in the future about my own parents. But for me, I know that I don't want to get to the point of others having to make decisions. When I get to the point of not being able to make my own decisions, I don't want to be around any more. I'd rather end my life on my own terms and move on while I still have the capacity to say goodbye. That might seem selfish -- I would be leaving behind people that care about me and probably don't mind taking care of my needs. But at the same time, wouldn't it selfish of others to keep me around in my pain and suffering, just because they don't want to let me go? Especially if who I am is pretty much already gone, and it's just my shell hanging on to life? Wouldn't it be more compassionate to let me move on to whatever comes next before it gets to that point?darkdrearywildernesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13740281438409811684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2704812167041609831.post-6395975181839751742010-10-31T22:28:00.000-06:002010-10-31T22:28:11.131-06:00What I Learned at ChurchBe still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;<br />
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;<br />
Leave to thy God to order and provide;<br />
In every change He faithful will remain.<br />
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend<br />
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.<br />
<br />
Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake<br />
To guide the future as He has the past.<br />
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;<br />
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.<br />
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know<br />
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.<br />
<br />
Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart<br />
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;<br />
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,<br />
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.<br />
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay<br />
From His own fulness all He takes away.<br />
<br />
Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on<br />
When we shall be forever with the Lord,<br />
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,<br />
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.<br />
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,<br />
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.<br />
<br />
Text: Katharina von Schlegel, b. 1697;<br />
trans. by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897<br />
<br />
My blog has been pretty religious lately. Not sure why that is - maybe I'm getting old and spirituality is becoming more important to me. But I've been taking comfort in it lately, and knowing that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me no matter what has helped me get through the past few weeks. We sang this hymn in church today, and it pretty well sums up my feelings. For some reason, the third verse above isn't part of the LDS hymnbook, but when I went searching for the lyrics, it was exactly what I needed to read. I have a "dearest friend" who has pretty much departed (not died, just drifted away) and for the past little bit I've been pretty down about it ("all is darkened in the vale of tears"). I've questioned if "It Gets Better" is really true (as has another friend, read his awesome blog post <a href="http://hope-unseen.blogspot.com/2010/10/look-around.html">here</a>) for those of us single, not-so-young-anymore, never-were-really-much-of-a-twink-anyway guys. This hymn says that sorrow and pain are only temporary, and God is there for us to take it away. I'm glad I have Him on my side :)darkdrearywildernesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13740281438409811684noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2704812167041609831.post-4549274774930688472010-10-13T15:35:00.000-06:002010-10-13T15:35:35.527-06:00Silly ignorant friendI received the following on facebook this morning:<br />
<br />
Dave, how's it going? I hope this message won't seem too offensive, but I thought I should perhaps write it.<br />
<br />
I don't know but have you ever thought you might want to tone down a little your activism on gay rights? I mean, I don't want to offend you or anything but from a gospel standpoint you may not want to support gays or spend too much time with them if there would ever be any danger of becoming one yourself!<br />
<br />
Traditionally back in the day saying something like that might be considered as an insult, but...<br />
<br />
I don't want to 'not' send a message like this and then spend a bunch of time worrying if it was something I should have brought up. And obviously you already know I have a rep for being rude on FB, so... Just thought it might be something to consider in case you hadn't thought of it.<br />
<br />
If giving up gay rights activism would make your life seem a little empty and boring, there's always Socialism! ha ha<br />
<br />
Cheers,<br />
<silly ignorant friend><br />
<br />
I responded:<br />
<br />
Sigh...are you still stuck on this?<br />
<br />
I could write this to you: "Have you ever thought you might want to tone down a little on your hate speech and homophobia? I don't want to offend you or anything but from a gospel standpoint you may not want to appear so unkind and uncharitable. Jesus said Love One Another and spent his time with sinners, right?"<br />
<br />
The church's position is stated pretty clearly here: <br />
<a href="http://beta-newsroom.lds.org/article/church-mormon-responds-to-human-rights-campaign-petition-same-sex-attraction" onmousedown="UntrustedLink.bootstrap($(this), "39f9aBwa4vwEZUhvT-OAzgfG1eg", event);" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">http://beta-newsroom.lds.org/article/church-mormon-responds-to-human-rights-campaign-petition-same-sex-attraction</a><br />
<br />
It states: "As a church, our doctrinal position is clear: any sexual activity outside of marriage is wrong, and we define marriage as between a man and a woman. However, that should never, ever be used as justification for unkindness. Jesus Christ, whom we follow, was clear in His condemnation of sexual immorality, but never cruel. His interest was always to lift the individual, never to tear down." I hope this doesn't offend, but your posts pass the line of "unkindness" and approach "cruelty". Let Jesus do the condemning; it's not up to you.<br />
<br />
I especially liked the second-to-last paragraph in that document: "God’s universal fatherhood and love charges each of us with an innate and reverent acknowledgement of our shared human dignity. We are to love one another. We are to treat each other with respect as brothers and sisters and fellow children of God, no matter how much we may differ from one another. "<br />
<br />
I'm not too worried about "becoming one myself", as you put it, since I already am one. To most people it just doesn't matter. Besides, homosexuality is not a contagious disease. As for "not supporting them or spending too much time with them" that would mean not seeing family members or close friends, which would be silly and judgmental. <br />
<br />
I appreciate your concern, <silly ignorant friend>, but I will continue to stand up for my beliefs. No hard feelings.<br />
<br />
David<br />
<br />
Silly, silly friend. I think he didn't realize I'm gay.darkdrearywildernesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13740281438409811684noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2704812167041609831.post-24667638821849018132010-10-12T15:13:00.000-06:002010-10-12T15:13:28.161-06:00Boyd K and Postmodern MormonismI've tried my best to not say too much about good ole Boyd K. I've posted a few comments on blogs and facebook, but I'm not going to write a post analyzing why his conference talk sucked or give my reactions to it (other than what I just said). Sociologist David, rather, is pretty interested in other people's reactions. We all know how it played out: Utah's gay community <a href="http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/home/50434583-76/gay-church-packer-protest.html.csp">protested</a>, national gay rights organizations got <a href="http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/home/50459165-76/church-gay-lds-packer.html.csp">involved</a>, some LDS members were <a href="http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/home/50413221-76/church-lds-packer-speech.html.csp">confused and bruised</a>, and others came out in <a href="http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/home/50448737-76/packer-event-100000-hannemann.html.csp">support</a> of President Packer. Pretty nasty things have been said on both sides: comments like <br />
<blockquote><h3 class="UIIntentionalStory_Message" data-ft="{"type":"msg"}" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="UIStory_Message">I know that God loves us and am grateful He gave us prophets to guide us through these last days when Satan has such a strong hold on the hearts of so many people. I'm grateful to have prophets who can remind us of what's good and right while Satan is fooling people into believing that evil is good and that those who <span class="text_exposed_hide"></span><span class="text_exposed_show">stand up for what's right are hateful and bigoted.</span></span></h3></blockquote>and<br />
<blockquote><h3 class="UIIntentionalStory_Message" data-ft="{"type":"msg"}"><span class="UIStory_Message">Now, if one insists that they can be Christian and still be gay/lesbian, or that it is acceptable before God because He loves us all and that he allows this practise, then you are sadly misinformed and can hardly call yourself Christi<span class="text_exposed_hide">...</span><span class="text_exposed_show">an as your claim is totally inconsistant with scripture.</span></span></h3></blockquote>are some of the tamer comments to be found at the We Love You President Packer <a href="http://www.facebook.com/#%21/event.php?eid=157010880987998" style="font-weight: normal;">facebook page</a>. It has touched me personally as well. I've had to deal with statements from one friend such as: <br />
<blockquote><h3 class="UIIntentionalStory_Message" data-ft="{"type":"msg"}">"<span data-jsid="text"><span class="text_exposed_show">I actually hate the whole idea of homosexuality and gays. I just wish it didn't exist, because if it didn't, then I wouldn't have to deal with people thinking I might be gay because I'm still single. They say they hurt no one... well I have a different opinion about it. They have poisoned our entire society. Sorry that is just my opinion. I am sure your gay family and friends are fine people (other than the fact that they are gay), but..." </span></span></h3></blockquote>and<br />
<blockquote><h3 class="UIIntentionalStory_Message" data-ft="{"type":"msg"}" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="UIStory_Message">What the heck? Which GOOD or even just fairly ADEQUATE Mormons said that they felt confused and bruised by Elder Packers comments? Homosexuality being wrong is a fairly basic doctrine if you ask me. And whether they can change their attractions or not, they certainly can't engage in gay behavior and stay in the church.<span class="text_exposed_hide">...</span><span class="text_exposed_show">.. or are we going to be rewriting the Bible now?</span></span></h3></blockquote>But I also got a letter from a more open minded friend that said:<br />
<blockquote>I am truly devastated by the recent conference address. I follow that particular issue closely and have felt we (as a church) were making some slow headway recently. So when people say that recent comments were nothing new, I think "maybe not ten years ago, but they seem like a step back from where we were headed". While it has been rough for me to reconcile my feelings, I cannot even pretend to understand what you are feeling. But I did want you to know that there are more people out there than you are aware of that support and love you! </blockquote>Needless to say, it's been a pretty polarizing issue. Something else that's interesting to me is how gay mormons themselves are reacting to it, and to negativity by the church in general. Many leave and speak out against the church, some become bitter but stay quiet, and others would rather just leave the church behind as part of a former life. There is a small but growing group, though, that is staying in the church and wants to try to make changes from the inside. I used to think that I was the only one that wanted to stay in the church AND be gay, but I'm seeing that I'm not alone anymore. People from <a href="http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#%21/note.php?note_id=455952504560">Turner Bitton</a> (hopefully that facebook link works, he gives an excellent message) to <a href="http://blog.davidbbaker.com/">David Baker</a> to <a href="http://youngstranger.blogspot.com/">John Gustav-Wrathall</a> to the amazing <a href="http://www.facebook.com/notes.php?id=100000209135856#%21/note.php?note_id=276424933765">Brent Kerby</a> (another facebook link), just to name a few, are building on the Church's official policy of treating gay and lesbian members with love and respect. The vocal minority inside the church are against people like us, but many members are <a href="http://www.facebook.com/#%21/note.php?note_id=166499040032901&id=787889577">not</a>. This gives me hope for the future. Lately I've been reading alot on the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emerging_church">Emerging Church</a> movement in Christianity, which is basically believes that the organizational and institutional church is a thing of the past, and that Christianity is changing as our post-modern society does too. I believe that the LDS church will have to confront this sooner or later as well. Leaders such as Elder Marlin Jensen and President Dieter Uchtdorf are maybe taking baby steps in that direction already. As I wrote to my ignorant friend, "Your hurtful views are increasingly becoming antiquated...the older generation (and you) look on gay people with disgust; our generation probably doesn't like them but tolerates them; but the youth of today don't care one way or the other. To the generation after that, the importance of sexual preference will be on par with eye or hair color. They will look back on us with astonishment just like we look back with astonishment on having different drinking fountains for black people...it's just something we can't fathom, and we wonder how skin color could have mattered so much." I'm glad we have gay Mormons that are staying in the church to help lead this movement.darkdrearywildernesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13740281438409811684noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2704812167041609831.post-43450047986074550062010-10-07T16:14:00.000-06:002010-10-07T16:14:21.987-06:00Book Review -- The Vast Fields of Ordinary by Nick BurdIt's been awhile since I've read/reviewed a gay-themed book. I picked one at random from my "to read" list, and it turned out to be a good one. <i>The Vast Fields of Ordinary</i> by Nick Burd takes place in a nondescript midwestern town during protagonist Dade Hamilton's last summer before going away to college. He's somewhat of a loner (why are gay kids in books always misfits or loners?) working a job he hates at a grocery store, and he doesn't have any friends other than his secret "boyfriend" (more of a hook-up buddy) Pablo, who is a football star and dates the prettiest girl in the school. Over the summer he meets new best friend Lucy, a lesbian girl staying with her aunt for the summer, and mysterious badboy Alex Kincaid, whom he is instantly attracted to. This gives him the confidence to begin coming out to people and making the transition from confused teenager to comfortable college student. Side plots include Dade's distant parents' crumbling marriage and a young girl who has disappeared or been kidnapped.<br />
<br />
I identified fairly well with Dade (other than his and the other characters drug use and drinking). He's a loner, is out to himself but not very confident, and is stuck in an unhealthy relationship with a "friend" (Pablo) that doesn't treat him very well and can't give him the relationship he deserves. He's not quite sure what direction his life is going to take and although he is at a crossroads, he is letting himself float along rather than taking ownership and responsibility of his life. I can also identify with Pablo -- he is obviously deeply closeted and confused about his sexuality, and he comes from a conservative and patriarchal culture where masculinity is valued. This confusion leads him to a depression which shows itself as anger, promiscuity, taking advantage of other people, and the "brain damage" that many of us have experienced in the coming out process in a conservative Mormon culture. I didn't identify with Alex much, who is comfortable with who he is but, like Dade, is floating along in life and has even fewer opportunities to change things. Although Dade and Alex don't have much in common other than being gay, lacking direction, and liking weed, their relationship helps Dade realize what a good relationship is about and gives him the confidence he needs to take charge of his life. He is able to finally put Pablo behind him and move on to something more positive. All of the characters were well-developed and likeable.<br />
<br />
I have to say that I absolutely hated the ending of the book. In fact, I was mad about it for days after I finished it. I won't give it away, but things didn't get resolved in a way that left me feeling happy and positive. That's not necessarily a bad thing though. A good book makes me think and feel strongly, whether in a positive or negative way, and this one definitely did.darkdrearywildernesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13740281438409811684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2704812167041609831.post-8517544365591069242010-09-26T01:09:00.000-06:002010-09-26T01:09:07.709-06:00Weirdness/Changing?So I went to tonight's moho party at Scott and Sarah's and stayed for about 15 minutes. I guess it's just not my scene anymore. I tried talking to a few people but kept getting the vibe of "if you're not a twinky BYU student we don't want to know you" and felt like I was wallpaper or something. The strange thing is, though, ..... wait for it ......that I didn't even care. Before, even like just a few months ago, this would have sent me into a tailspin and totally crushed my self esteem and I probably would have gone home and cried. Tonight though, it was more like "ummm this is a total waste of my time and I'd much rather go home and curl up on the couch and watch a movie." So that's what I did :) <br />
<br />
It made me wonder, though....am I finally growing up and moving out of this damn adolescent period that I've been stuck in for years? Interesting....<br />
<br />
I've met some really cool people at moho parties and found some good friends there. I think I'm going to be done with them for awhile, though. Nothing against Scott and Sarah, they are both very welcoming and loving, and two of the best people in the world. But the parties are just not for me anymore. If I ever get a free Wednesday, I think I'll give Simply Social a try.darkdrearywildernesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13740281438409811684noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2704812167041609831.post-17470353615854383832010-09-19T13:15:00.000-06:002010-09-19T13:15:47.102-06:00Faith and BitternessTwo somewhat related topics, and I'll start with the negative one: I've come to the conclusion that I'm at high risk to become a bitter old man. I pride myself on being open-minded, accepting of everyone, and respectful of all points of view. But lately I find myself easily irritated by certain groups of people (e.g. twinks, ultraconservatives, pseudoadults, and ironically, bitter people) and it makes me judge them and not want to be around people in general. Worse, I've slowly lost my ability to be happy for other people. I'm not yet at the point where I derive comfort from others' misfortune, but I find that I get jealous of people's successes and think "why can't that be me" rather than be happy for them. So...I think that all needs to stop right now. I don't want to be that kind of person! It's not who easygoing, nonjudgmental me is! I'm going to focus on being happy for others and not being jealous of them.<br />
<br />
Second topic: at church today, I realized that the answer to my <a href="http://darkdrearywilderness.blogspot.com/2010/08/why-i-stay.html">Why I Stay</a> post (i.e. why do I keep attending and believing in a church that officially doesn't like me as a gay man) is because of faith. This actually comes as kind of a relief -- I've been worried about things such as do I stay out of guilt, fear, brainwashing, etc. But it's because of faith. The nature of faith is believing something that is impossible to prove by scientific means, even if it doesn't make sense. A lot of mohos have some level of resentment toward the LDS church, whether it's because of personal experiences, the church's institutional support of Proposition 8, or that the doctrine just doesn't make sense anymore. I've never really felt that resentment even though I do disagree with some of what the church does/teaches, but I've never been able to pinpoint why. But I think it's because of the faith I have in a loving father in heaven. I can't prove he's there, and I can't prove that he is more merciful that what other people may think, but I have faith that he loves me and will judge me on how I treat other people and how honestly and morally I live my life, rather than who I fall in love with or what kind of anatomy I like. Although I don't necessarily keep all of the commandments as the church has interpreted them, I've pretty much put my life in His hands and rely on His mercy that things will be fair and all get sorted out in the end. I don't worry too much about things that get in the way, such as Proposition 8 or less-than-Christlike members of the church. It's all between me and Him.darkdrearywildernesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13740281438409811684noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2704812167041609831.post-85649527371967549842010-08-30T17:43:00.000-06:002010-08-30T17:43:46.948-06:00Antisocial, introverted, or just happy with myself?Two of my close friends recently ended their relationships with their boyfriends. Both of them are understandibly sad and feeling down and missing the person they broke up with. When I started blogging a year or so ago, I was very dependent on other people to make me happy. I hated being alone and even got panicky if I wasn't talking to or texting someone. I felt down if I didn't have anything to do on weekends and felt like a loser for staying home by myself. I took rejection pretty hard. My happiness depended on other people, and even though I'm an introvert I felt like I needed to be at every party and get to know every guy. "Needy" is a good word for what I was. I feel like I'm different now though...I don't have to know what friends are doing every minute of the day, I don't have to fill every minute of my time to feel good about myself, and most of all I don't mind being by myself or just hanging out with family. I usually tend to stay in more often than go out, and I don't mind it. <br />
<br />
My friends tell me I'm antisocial...I don't interact with very many people at parties, I don't have that many friends, and I don't look for opportunities to meet people. I don't "put myself out there." One of the friends I mentioned above kind of made fun of me for not dating anyone recently. I've kind of taken the antisocial label for myself, though, as well. It's my way of coping with rejection and lessing the pressure of being an introvert in social situations...if I call myself antisocial then I can act that way and be okay with it.<br />
<br />
The thing is, though, I don't think I'm really antisocial (although my friend says I'm in denial). Asocial maybe...I don't interact with too many people and I'm kind of a loner. I don't care about having a million facebook friends and I'm perfectly fine sitting on the sidelines most of the time. But I don't think that's necessarily bad anymore. I'm alot more comfortable with myself now that I was a year ago. I can spend time by myself and not have a panic attack. I get bored and crave human interaction, but being alone doesn't make me depressed or sad (most of the time). I don't need other people to make me happy. I agree that I would probably be happier in a relationship, but it's not a must anymore. When refuting my friend's assertion that I'm antisocial, I told him "Why should my happiness depend on other people? If I don't enjoy my own company how will others enjoy it?" For some reason that made him mad and he stopped talking to me. But I truly believe it -- if I can't be happy on my own then I don't have a good foundation and I'm dependent on others...I might be happy when others make me happy, but when they're gone I don't have a foundation to fall back on. I see myself as taking baby steps...I used to dislike myself but I'm getting more comfortable and happy with who I am. There are still things I dislike about myself, but maybe as I get used to liking myself I will be more social and reach out to others. So for now, although I call myself antisocial, I don't really think I am...I'm just getting comfortable with who I am and less dependent on other people.darkdrearywildernesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13740281438409811684noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2704812167041609831.post-73973824086672879422010-08-15T22:18:00.000-06:002010-08-15T22:18:36.876-06:00Why I StayWhy do I still attend and consider myself a member of a church whose position is that I'm a bad person? It's something that I've been thinking about off and on for awhile. I took the following stupid internet quiz and got this result:<br />
<br />
<div style="background-color: white; border: 1px solid gray; color: black; font-family: arial,verdana,sans-serif; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; padding: 6px; width: 320px;"><b style="color: black; display: block; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 8px;">You are 23% Mormon</b> <br />
<div style="-moz-background-clip: -moz-initial; -moz-background-inline-policy: -moz-initial; -moz-background-origin: -moz-initial; background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; border: 1px solid black; text-align: left; width: 200px;"><div style="-moz-background-clip: -moz-initial; -moz-background-inline-policy: -moz-initial; -moz-background-origin: -moz-initial; background: red none repeat scroll 0% 0%; font-size: 8px; line-height: 8px; width: 23%;"></div></div><div style="-moz-background-clip: -moz-initial; -moz-background-inline-policy: -moz-initial; -moz-background-origin: -moz-initial; background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; border: medium none; color: black; margin: 10px;">You have some of the Mormon values, but overall you're far more normal than most Utahns. You realize life is out there to enjoy, family is important, and there are better ways to spend a Sunday than at church!<br />
<br />
<b><a href="http://www.gotoquiz.com/should_you_stay_mormon" style="color: blue;">Should You Stay Mormon?</a><br />
<a href="http://www.gotoquiz.com/" style="color: blue;">Take More Quizzes</a></b></div></div><br />
I also took the <a href="http://www.beliefnet.com/Entertainment/Quizzes/BeliefOMatic.aspx">Belief-O-Matic Quiz</a> on Beliefnet.com (probably a bit more reliable) and got the following:<br />
<br />
<table><tbody>
<tr><td><b><span style="color: #336699; font-family: verdana; font-size: x-small;"><b>1. </b></span></b></td><td><span style="color: #336699; font-family: verdana; font-size: x-small;"><b><a href="http://www.beliefnet.com/Faiths/2001/06/What-Liberal-Protestants-Believe.aspx" linkindex="70">Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants</a> <span style="color: #999999; font-size: x-small;"> (100%) </span></b></span></td></tr>
<tr><td><b><span style="color: #336699; font-family: verdana; font-size: x-small;"><b>2. </b></span></b></td><td><span style="color: #336699; font-family: verdana; font-size: x-small;"><b><a href="http://www.beliefnet.com/Faiths/2001/06/What-Liberal-Quakers-Believe.aspx" linkindex="71">Liberal Quakers</a> <span style="color: #999999; font-size: x-small;"> (83%) </span></b></span></td></tr>
<tr><td><b><span style="color: #336699; font-family: verdana; font-size: x-small;"><b>3. </b></span></b></td><td><span style="color: #336699; font-family: verdana; font-size: x-small;"><b><a href="http://www.beliefnet.com/Faiths/2001/06/What-Unitarian-Universalists-Believe.aspx" linkindex="72">Unitarian Universalism</a> <span style="color: #999999; font-size: x-small;"> (74%) </span></b></span></td></tr>
<tr><td><b><span style="color: #336699; font-family: verdana; font-size: x-small;"><b>4. </b></span></b></td><td><span style="color: #336699; font-family: verdana; font-size: x-small;"><b><a href="http://www.beliefnet.com/Faiths/2001/06/What-Orthodox-Quakers-Believe.aspx" linkindex="73">Orthodox Quaker</a> <span style="color: #999999; font-size: x-small;"> (72%) </span></b></span></td></tr>
<tr><td><b><span style="color: #336699; font-family: verdana; font-size: x-small;"><b>5. </b></span></b></td><td><span style="color: #336699; font-family: verdana; font-size: x-small;"><b><a href="http://www.beliefnet.com/Faiths/Bahai/What-Bahs-Believe.aspx" linkindex="74">Baha'i Faith</a> <span style="color: #999999; font-size: x-small;"> (71%) </span></b></span></td></tr>
<tr><td><b><span style="color: #336699; font-family: verdana; font-size: x-small;"><b>6. </b></span></b></td><td><span style="color: #336699; font-family: verdana; font-size: x-small;"><b><a href="http://www.beliefnet.com/Faiths/2001/06/What-Latter-Day-Saints-Mormons-Believe.aspx" linkindex="75">Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons)</a> <span style="color: #999999; font-size: x-small;"> (69%) </span></b></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
So, why do I stay? Especially since, in its simplest form, I've made a conscious decision to disregard some of the teachings of the church and rely on God's mercy but understanding his justice? To be honest, I'm not quite sure. Part of it is probably just inertia, I've gone my whole life attending church on Sundays, and so it's just part of the routine. Second is probably family pressure: my whole family are strong, conservative Mormons, and I don't really want to rock the boat. Third, I want my kids raised in the church. I attend with them on Sundays since their mom doesn't go much anymore. <br />
<br />
But fourth, it's because I believe in most of what the church teaches. I believe in God the Father and that he created us and is the father of our spirits. I believe Jesus is the son of God and gave his life for us so that we can be forgiven of our sins and return to God's presence. I believe the Holy Ghost can help guide us and influence us. Although it seems somewhat far-fetched that God would deliver his gospel to some insignificant desert tribe like the Hebrews, I guess he had to start somewhere. So I believe the Bible to be the word of God, mostly. It's gone through the hands of many different people with many different agendas, so it's definitely not God's literal word.<br />
<br />
So far, so good. I'm at least Christian.<br />
<br />
I believe in the restoration of the gospel. At least, I believe things got pretty screwed up after Jesus died. Studying the early Christian church is fascinating. Tons of bloodshed, kidnappings, greed, blackmail, bribery, and everything else in the name of God. Since I believe in a God that loves us, I believe he would do something to get things back on track. I believe in the Joseph Smith story, and I believe that God revealed the true gospel to him. I find it pretty easy to believe in the Book of Mormon as well. It just makes sense that God would talk to other people besides his insignificant tribe in the Middle East. The stories of how Joseph Smith translated it are pretty fanciful, but I still believe its God's word without all the baggage the Bible has. I also find it pretty easy to believe in continuing revelation. Again, if God loves us, it doesn't really make sense that the would set things in motion, talk to a few prophets a long time ago, send his son to earth to die, and then disappear. It makes sense that he would continue having prophets on the earth to guide his people. It also makes sense that he would authorize people to act in his name, rather than letting anybody do it on his own.<br />
<br />
So...I'm essentially Mormon. I don't know of any other religion that believes in all that.<br />
<br />
But then things get sort of hazy. I'm sort of following the temple recommend questions here when I talk about what I believe. Do I sustain the Prophet and the Quorum of the Twelve as prophets, seers, and revelators, and other leaders as called? Well, sort of. But I don't believe they are infallible. Look at some of the crazy things Brigham Young taught. Heck, look at some of the crazy things Boyd K. Packer has said! Do I believe the LDS church is the only true church? Well...pretty much. Like I said, I don't know of any other church that teaches everything we do. But at the same time, who's to say God doesn't have other prophets he communicates with? If I believe he had at least two communities in ancient times, why not now?<br />
<br />
Do I live the law of chastity? Do I keep the covenants I have made? Am I a full tithe payer? Do I keep the word of wisdom? Well...this isn't going to turn into a confessional. Let's just say I'm not a perfect person. But I do believe in the reasons behind these rules. And I hope to find a husband and live the law of chastity with him. And that sentence pretty much answers the question about if I support any groups whose teachings are contrary to the church. (The last time the bishop asked me that question, though, I answered "yes, I'm a Democrat." He laughed.)<br />
<br />
So rules/laws/ceremonies/rituals....I fail the Mormon test there. Which is why I don't have a temple recommend, or feel right having one. But what about the spirit of the law?<br />
<br />
Is there anything in my conduct with my family that is out of harmony with the church? Absolutely not. My kids are my life, and my goal is to be the best damn dad possible. Does being gay prevent me from being a good father? No way. Am I honest in my dealings with my fellowmen? Absolutely. That is something I take pride in. Do I believe in the church's focus on families, service, kindness, etc? Yep.<br />
<br />
So, I guess I stay because it's what I believe and I can't get it all anywhere else. I see myself as being on the outskirts of things in relation to most members of the church, obviously. If I had to label myself I would call myself a liberal Mormon, or postmodern Mormon, or something like that. But still Mormon. <br />
<br />
(End note: I absolutely respect others' beliefs. I'm a relativist -- just because something works, or is right for me, doesn't make it right for someone else. Truth can be very broad. Many mohos and gay people have very different opinions about the church, and religion in general. Many have been hurt pretty badly by the church. Feel free to comment and give me feedback, or ask questions. Respectfully.)darkdrearywildernesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13740281438409811684noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2704812167041609831.post-53981627560422304092010-08-04T12:25:00.000-06:002010-08-04T12:25:43.637-06:00Catching upSummer has been pretty good to me, I've been keeping my demons at bay by focusing on myself and my family. I've gotten into photography lately and have taken a bunch of road trips to combine some of my favorite things: taking pictures, being outdoors, geocaching, seeing new places, and being with the kidddos. I've been spending alot of time by myself doing things I enjoy too: reading, watching movies, etc. I feel like I've distanced myself from superficial people that bring me down, but probably unintentionally distanced myself from friends too, just to avoid getting hurt and because I don't really trust anyone emotionally any more. I forgot to take my happy pills with me on one of my road trips and was doing just fine without them, so I figured I would detox myself from them and see what happened. I told myself if I found myself crying for no reason or hiding from people in the bathroom that I would go back on them....now that I'm back to the daily grind of a job I don't really like and not much time for myself, let's just say I'm going to go back on them :) I did apply for a new job, though, and thought the interview went well...still waiting to hear back from them tho. I hope I get it, because it would be a needed change. Lonliness catches up sometimes, but like I said I'm not going to write many negatives in my blog anymore...don't want people to get the wrong idea about me or feel sorry for me. I wish I could say I had an active social life with lots of close friends and did exciting things with them every weekend, but it wouldn't be true...it's all good though, I'm making my own fun lately and learning to enjoy being with myself. And of course, I have the kiddos to drive me insane, but keep me sane at the same time...if I didn't have them, I wouldn't be here anymore :)darkdrearywildernesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13740281438409811684noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2704812167041609831.post-75651476977561943072010-07-11T13:56:00.000-06:002010-07-11T13:56:41.561-06:00Dear YouDear You,<br />
<br />
You don't read this blog as far as I know, so you're not actually going to read this. Unless I decide to send it to you, which I probably won't. I don't know, I don't think it would serve any purpose and just cause more drama. But I need to get my feelings out somehow. I'm giving up, and I want to let you know why.<br />
<br />
When I first met you, I thought you were the awesomest guy in the world. Heck, until very recently I still thought that. You're still an awesome guy, but you're not the same guy you were when I met you. That's natural, of course, everyone changes, but the more recent you is hard to deal with. You're distant, you don't communicate, and you don't give any cues at all about what you're feeling or what I can do to be a good friend. You don't give me any feedback at all when I share my feelings with you. I have no idea what you're thinking, and sometimes I feel like I'm interrogating you to get any information at all from you. I hardly ever see you or hang out with you, and I don't hear from you unless I initiate contact.<br />
<br />
You claim it's because you're so busy and because of your living situation. At first I went along with that, trying to be understanding, but I'm gonna call bullshit on that now. I'm never too busy for friends, and if they mean something to me I make time for them. Even if I've had a hectic day, I still make time to send a text or talk with them for a minute. If they want to talk and I'm busy I just let them know I'll get back to them later. If they want to hang out and I can't, I suggest another time. I generally know what they are up to and what their mood is, and they know the same about me. <br />
<br />
If I didn't know you for as long as I have, I would think you weren't interested in being friends or were trying to blow me off. At this point I don't think that, but at the same time I don't know what to think. I guess it's just you being you. But I don't like you being you. And that realization is what has helped me decide that it's not worth my time to keep trying so hard. I never try to force my expectations onto people or expect them to change. But for awhile now all I get from you are negative emotions...or what I mean is that interacting with you generally makes me more sad/mad than happy. And that's not what friendship should be. I find myself frustrated with you most of the time because of what I wrote above...no communication, no time, no seeing you, etc. I think the straws that broke the camel's back are the time I came up to see you and you basically made me feel like crap for doing it, and last night when you knew I wanted to hang out and didn't have plans...but when your plans fell through you didn't call me or let me know. Not to be dramatic, but your actions scream "YOURE NOT THAT IMPORTANT TO ME!!"<br />
<br />
So I'm done. If I'm totally wrong on this and am just being insensitive and a bad friend by not being more understanding, I apologize. But like I said, I have no idea what to think. I'm not going to end our friendship, but I can't keep thinking of you as a best friend and hoping that you think the same about me. It's too frustrating and I can't do it anymore. If you want to try to save things, please talk to me and let's figure out how to do it. If not, I would still appreciate some feedback from you on what I have said. It would help me with closure to understand where you are coming from. And of course we can still be texting and facebook friends if you want to.<br />
<br />
Love forever,<br />
Daviddarkdrearywildernesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13740281438409811684noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2704812167041609831.post-12251538852686990872010-07-01T15:50:00.000-06:002010-07-01T15:50:23.368-06:00Two BooksI've been meaning to write this post forever. I read two good gay-themed books lately that I want to recommend. I'll shamelessly copy the summary of each one from goodreads.com and just write some quick thoughts.<br />
<br />
The first one is <b><a href="http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/5543684-bait">Bait</a> by <a href="http://www.alexsanchez.com/">Alex Sanchez</a>.</b> First, the summary: <br />
<br />
When a guy in his class looks at him funny, Diego punches him in the face, and ends up on probation. At first he wants nothing to do with his probation officer. But as Diego starts to open up, he begins to realize that Mr. Vidas is the first person in his life who ever really wanted to listen to him. With Vidas's help, Diego begins to make real progress in controlling his anger. He even opens up enough to tell Vidas about the shark tooth that his stepfather gave him that he uses to cut himself. But only if Diego can find the courage to trust Vidas with the darkest secrets from his past will he be able to heal completely. <br />
<br />
In this bold story of a boy trying to grow beyond a painful past, award-winning author Alex Sanchez calls upon his personal experience as a probation officer to reveal the complexities of one of his most genuinely realized characters to date.<br />
<br />
And the quick review: Alex Sanchez is one of my favorite gay YA authors, and, I would say, one of the better ones. I read his <i>Rainbow Boys</i> trilogy when I was coming out and it helped me alot (even though I'm not chronologically an adolescent, I still am emotionally sometimes), and all of his other books are good too. This one was a little bit different in that the main character was not gay but one of the supporting characters is. The story was somewhat predictable but the characters were well-developed and likeable. I identified with Vidas, the probation officer, since that is what I used to do. It made me really miss it and want to get back into a job where I directly help young people better their lives.<br />
<br />
The next one is <b><a href="http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6567017">Will Grayson, Will Grayson</a> by David Levithan and John Green</b>. Again, the summary:<br />
<br />
One cold night, in a most unlikely corner of Chicago, two teens—both named Will Grayson—are about to cross paths. As their worlds collide and intertwine, the Will Graysons find their lives going in new and unexpected directions, building toward romantic turns-of-heart and the epic production of history’s most fabulous high school musical.<br />
Hilarious, poignant, and deeply insightful, John Green and David Levithan’s collaborative novel is brimming with a double helping of the heart and humor that have won both them legions of faithful fans.<br />
<br />
And the review: This book was awesome. The premise is pretty unlikely, but I could identify just a bit with all three of the main characters, two of whom are gay and one who is straight. Will#1 has two rules for life, which I also try to follow as best I can: first, don't care, and second, shut up. Will#2 is moody, pretty straight-acting, and looking for a relationship. Tiny is way over the top, the stereotypical gay diva, but I could identify with his bad luck in love. The book is well written and has some hilarious lines. <br />
<br />
That's it!darkdrearywildernesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13740281438409811684noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2704812167041609831.post-64025855710390155872010-06-15T11:34:00.000-06:002010-06-15T11:34:40.040-06:00Misunderstood, a Bible Verse, and a Couple of Books: Part 2, the Bible verseIn Sunday school last week the <a href="http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=d56c8c8fd6c20110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=198bf4b13819d110VgnVCM1000003a94610aRCRD">lesson</a> was about the part of 1 Samuel where Saul becomes king, fails, and David beomes the new king and fights Goliath (for some reason I get an ironic/perverse pleasure linking to lds.org from my blog lol). Usually the teacher is pretty good, and the ward is not uber-conservative and fairly nonjudgmental. But this time he skipped over my freakin' favorite verse in the Old Testament and didn't even mention it!! 1 Samuel 16:7... "But the <span class="smallcaps">Lord</span> said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; ... for <i>the <span class="smallcaps">Lord</span></i> <i>seeth</i> not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the <span class="smallcaps">Lord</span> looketh on the heart." This verse gives me such comfort. God doesn't care what I look like or how I present myself to others. He doesn't care how other people view my actions or lifestyle (ugh, how I hate that word). He doesn't care if a person has tattoos or body piercings, or how much money they make, or how well they dress. Heck, he probably doesn't even care that I voted for Obama. What He cares about is what is in my heart. He cares that I treat others with kindness and respect. He cares that I am honest and hard-working. He cares that I am the best father I can be. He cares that I love Him and worship Him in my own way, and doesn't place too much importance, I sincerely believe, on the anatomy of the person I happen to love.<br />
<br />
There is a lot more from this lesson that demands discussion. For example, does the Lord make mistakes? (1 Samuel 15:11, the Lord says "it repenteth me that I have set Saul to be king"). I'm not sure, but I do believe an omnipotent God can change his mind about things. Saying he can't would be limiting his power. Also, which is more important, ceremony and ritual (animal sacrifice, in this instance) or obedience? Samuel says obedience, and I tend to agree...at least as far as what is in our hearts is more important than whether we attend church every Sunday, etc. But this can be taken way too far, and alot of time it is. Saul got in trouble for sparing the life of a rival king and keeping some of the animals to sacrifice. The teacher presented this as Saul did it deliberately as an act of rebellion to make himself look better, but I'm not so sure. The Lord knows his heart. Might he have done it out of mercy for his enemy and love for the Lord, even though it was perhaps misguided? In any case, even though he asked forgiveness, the Lord rejected him from being king and Samuel took the rival king and "hewed [him] in pieces before the <span class="smallcaps">Lord." Hmmm...the God I worship and obey is a God of mercy and love, not one that is violent and unforgiving. Which one do you believe in?</span>darkdrearywildernesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13740281438409811684noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2704812167041609831.post-11927422321623080112010-06-15T10:14:00.000-06:002010-06-15T10:14:19.127-06:00Misunderstood, a Bible Verse, and a Couple of BooksI've had a few topics for posts bouncing around in my head for awhile, but I haven't gotten around to writing them. So I'm just going to squish them together into one post and not elaborate too much on any of them. Okay, wait, I changed my mind...lol...I'm going to do 3 mini-posts separately. So read all of them and comment!! :)<br />
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<u><b>Misunderstood</b></u><br />
A couple of weeks ago I wrote to an acquaintance and asked him point-blank, "What made you blow me off after we met and not want to be friends?" I was over the somewhat hurt feelings of extending a hand of friendship and having it rejected, and wasn't looking for an apology or pity or a passive-agressive confrontation (and I told him this). I just wanted an honest answer, and I knew (or at least sensed) that he was the type of person that could answer this question in a constructive way. And he did. He gave me some very good things to think about and helped me to identify some things I could change next time I'm trying to make friends with somebody. I appreciated his comments and wasn't hurt or angered at all by what he had to say. BUT....his answer basically came down to "the more I read your blog the more I realize how high-maintenance you are, and I already have one high maintenance friend and can't really handle another. And I'm not really looking for friends anyway, I'm more focused on finding a relationship." I'm summarizing alot, and he said it in a positive, non-offensive way. But it was kind of just one more strike against blogging too much any more, especially about feelings and emotions, and double-especially when they are negative. This acquaintance knew me through my blog and based his impressions of me completely on what I had written, rather than getting to know me better when we met in real life. I can't really fault him for that; I suppose I would do the same thing. The problem is, my blog is only one side of me, and lately I use my blog as a therapeutic way to get my negative emotions out. I vent alot and seem pretty emo sometimes. But it's not all of who I am. I do it partly because writing is very helpful for me to get my feelings out, and also partly because I recognize that friends get tired of hearing negatives all the time...and since I don't want to burden them by venting verbally all the time, I do it pretty openly on my blog. In real life though, I'm fairly private with my feelings and when I'm feeling down and emo I withdraw rather than burdening other people and bringing them down with me. But most of the time I'm a very understanding person, an attentive listener, a supportive friend, and fun to be around in my own nerdy/quiet way. So basically, what I want to say is this: if you're a regular reader of my blog and happen to meet me in real life, don't judge me just on my blog!! Get to know me in person! I come across as a lot more emo in my blog than I do in real life, I promise!! Yes, I can be a demanding friend, but I do it with good intentions and I'm not going to burden you with all my problems! And I'm working on being less demanding!! </rant>darkdrearywildernesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13740281438409811684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2704812167041609831.post-48880977525089548302010-05-26T16:26:00.000-06:002010-05-26T16:26:36.755-06:00I Am an Island<object height="385" width="480"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/My9I8q-iJCI&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/My9I8q-iJCI&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object><br />
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Wow, it's been a month since I've posted anything. My last post alluded to my "screw the world" attitude, and that's probably the reason why. My mood has been good overall; I've had a few down days, but nothing too significant. I've just gotten used to being alone, and so I haven't felt the need to share anything. I guess that has its advantages and disadvantages. I get lonely sometimes but I have learned to rely on myself for my happiness and not be dependent on other people to feel good about myself. I don't put up with crap from "friends" anymore since I don't really need them. <br />
<blockquote><i>I've built walls, <br />
A fortress deep and mighty, <br />
That none may penetrate. <br />
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain. </i><br />
<div style="background-color: transparent; border: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"></div></blockquote>I've found activities that I can enjoy on my own: reading, hiking, going for walks, etc. I've focused more on the people that matter...which is mostly family. I've been a lot less social, have skipped activities that I used to look forward to, and haven't made much of an effort to meet new people.<br />
<blockquote><i>I have my books <br />
And my poetry to protect me; <br />
I am shielded in my armor, <br />
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb. <br />
I touch no one and no one touches me. </i></blockquote>It just seems like everyone around me lets me down. Someone I consider a close friend let me down hard yesterday. Before I would have ignored it or excused it, but this time I confronted him on it. He apologized, but for some reason it didn't really mean much. Before I would have been sad and depressed, but now I'm sad and angry. It's easiest just to withdraw. And if I don't have friends or meet anyone to crush on, I won't get hurt. The only thing I want to make sure of is that I don't withdraw from the people that truly care about me. I know there are a couple of them, and I want to make sure I don't push them away.<br />
<blockquote><i>I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died. <br />
If I never loved I never would have cried. </i></blockquote>I have some book reviews I want to post, but I think I'm just going to stay away from "feeling" posts for awhile. I don't want to feel anymore.darkdrearywildernesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13740281438409811684noreply@blogger.com2