In the Dark and Dreary Wildnerness

Book Reviews

2011-07-03T15:55:00.000-06:00

I've been neglecting my reviews of gay-themed books lately! It's definitely not all I read, but let me just briefly mention some of the gay-themed stuff I've read lately. Click on the links for more info about each book.

First is Boyfriends with Girlfriends by Alex Sanchez. Alex Sanchez has written alot of YA gay fiction, and is one of my favorite authors. This book is about a gay teen and his questioning girl friend (not girlfriend!) who meet a bi boy and his lesbian friend. Questioning and growth ensue. Four out of five stars.

Next is No Going Back by Jonathan Langford. I really liked this one. It's about a gay teen Mormon boy, and how his parents, friends, ward, and school friends deal with him being gay. Well written, and I look forward to more from this author. Five out of five stars. Get the ebook here for a really good price, and read a good review of it here.

Next up is In the Eye of the Storm by Gene Robinson. The author is the Bishop of a rural Episcopal congregation in New Hampshire. And he's gay. I hoped for more from this book. I wanted to know more about his personal story and how his sexuality and spirituality affect each other. Or how LGBT Christians can get more out of the church. It was good, but it was more just a collection of his sermons. Two out of five stars.

Love Drugged by James Klise came recommended by my friend D3. It's pretty much a gay fantasy (not in a sexual way though, perv!) in that a struggling teen discovers a pill that a mad scientist invented to eradicate homosexuality, and he decides to take it. Complications ensue. Three out of five stars.

Gemini Bites by Patrick Ryan could also be considered a fantasy. It's not a typical struggle/coming-out story like much gay YA lit is; the main teen boy just happens to be gay and is already out and mostly happy (yay for happy gay teens!). He and his family take another boy into their home, who may or may not be gay...and may or may not be a vampire. The first boy's twin sister is the third point in the love triangle. Sounds corny, but it's funny as heck. Four out of five stars.

We can't forget Gay Mormons?: Latter-day Saint Experiences of Same-Gender Attraction by my awesome roomie Brent Kerby. The title says it all. A must-read. Five out of five stars. Get a hard copy or ebook here.

Last but not least is Kevin Keller. Remember Archie Comics from back in the day? They're still around, and have introduced a gay character! He was first introduced in Veronica #202, and now has his own 4-issue series (just the first is out so far). Hopefully he will be popular enough to be a regular character. The high point in the first issue was a Stand-By-Me-reminiscent barf-o-rama after a pie eating contest. Can't get better than that, and it shows that gay kids are perfectly normal! See what AfterElton says about it here, here, and here.

I HATE PRIDE

2011-05-29T11:01:00.000-06:00

There, I said it. I know that makes me a bad gay, but I really don't like it. I don't like holidays in general though, so it's not because of any internalized homophobia or anything. It just reminds me of who I am (a guy with few friends and fewer close ones), who I'm not (a hot twink, a happily partnered guy, someone who everyone wants to be around), and who I don't want to become (a lonely old guy, an old queen, someone who has no one). I'll be skipping it this year.

Book Review: The Questions Christians Hope No One Will Ask (with answers) by Mark Mittelberg

2011-04-17T19:37:00.000-06:00

As a progressive Christian, this book grabbed my attention and I hoped to gain some insight into difficult questions that people ask about Christianity. Unfortunately, this wasn't the case. I read the first chapter ("What makes you so sure that God exists at all?") and agreed with the conclusion that of course God exists, but disagreed with much of Mittelberg's supporting evidence, which used circular reasoning and other faulty arguments. For example, he states that apart from God there can be no objective moral standards, but we clearly live in a world that has objective moral standards, so there has to be a divine moral lawgiver. Why do moral standards necessarily come from God though? Or: one of the ways we can know that God is real and active in our world is that he's real and active in our lives. What?

So I turned to Chapter 7 ("Why do you condemn homosexuality when it's clear that God made gays and that he loves all people the same?") Mittelberg takes a step in the right direction by saying we shouldn't condemn gay people, that we should seek to understand them, etc. But his answer to the question is essentially "love the sinner but hate the sin" or "we condemn gay people because the Bible says we should." He especially turned me off when he essentially said "notice I haven't used any scriptures to condemn homosexuality because they can be used to make people feel bad" but then goes on to outline them all. Ugh. I had hoped for something more progressive here.

I figured I would give the book one more chance. So I read Chapter 5 ("How could a good God allow so much evil, pain, and suffering?) The answer was basically "that's just how it is and we have to live with it", and gave the standard answers I hear at church every Sunday -- pain can deepen our character, it gives a spiritual and eternal perspective, he uses pain to protect us from ourselves (what?!), etc. Sigh...no real answers here for a non-Christian asking the question, let alone a Christian sincerely struggling with the issue.

I read the summaries of the rest of the chapters, but disappointingly it was more of the same. Mittelberg is a good and engaging writer, and (from my perspective) comes from a loving, caring, but conservative and traditional approach. For a more hopeful approach, I would recommend "A New Kind of Christianity" by Brian D. McLaren.

Update and crushes

2011-04-11T14:04:00.000-06:00

Well, I haven't blogged for awhile (obviously). I guess that's probably because things have been going pretty well, and since a lot of the time I use my blog to vent, I haven't needed to write anything. I don't know that my life is any better than it has been in the past, but lately there are definitely more good and neutral days than bad days. I have 3 awesome roommates and we get along well. And spring is almost here!

I kind of want to write about crushes. As usual with my blog, this will likely be fairly disorganized since I'm just kind of putting my thoughts on paper (well, computer) as they come. Lately I've been crushing on guys more...I think this is probably a good thing, since it probably means I'm over Mr. Doofus Face who stole my heart and kept it hidden away for awhile (hahaha sorry sir, since I know you sometimes read this blog). The thing is....I've decided I hate crushes. It's kind of fun when I first start getting to know a person and start sort of liking them, but after that comes the overthinking and insecurity and awkwardness and trying not to be overbearing. And ultimately, the rejection. I had one crush where I liked the way it was going...I was confident about it and didn't project any negativity, as far as I know. And I was successful in not getting emotionally attached to the guy. But then the guy got distant and disappeared...no clue why. I guess it wasn't meant to be. Sometimes I really hate trying to meet people. Trying to find my Prince Charming (for me) is like looking for a needle in a haystack, even though it seems so easy for other people. But if I give up and stop looking to avoid the rejection and negative feelings I'll never find what I'm looking for. And I'm highly pessimistic that he'll just fall into my lap, hence the need for being proactive.

I'm crushing on a new guy that I've been talking to for about a week. We seem to have alot in common, although there are some big differences also. I enjoy talking to him and my introvertedness hasn't been a barrier, which I take to be a good sign. But now I'm starting the negative phase, second guessing myself, overthinking things way too much (am I texting him too much? or not enough? why would he even want to consider giving me a chance? is it just all in my head that there's a possibility there? he hasn't texted me today, what did i do wrong? i'm way too old anyway. etc, etc.) There are a couple of other guys that I would also really like to get to know (one just to be friends with, the other friends also but with the potential for more) , but for some reason they intimidate me. I've only interacted with them briefly on facebook (friends in common, comments on posts, that kind of thing). I've texted a bit with one of them, and I've tried to engage the other one a bit more with limited success. I'm sure I'll have the chance to meet them in a social situation at some point (and I actually don't think I'll have a problem doing that) but it just bugs me that I feel intimidated by them. Stupid social anxiety.

What Do I Do With a Flaky Friend (Who I Also Love)

2011-01-26T11:54:00.000-07:00

<Note: I've saved this post to write out when I'm in a good mood so it doesn't come across as whiny or complainy. Lately I hate drama more than usual so I don't want to be the cause of it, and I don't want to be high-maintenance either. So it's a serious post, but not in the "woe is me" kind of way.>

So I have this friend. We've known each other for about 2 1/2 years, I think...or is it longer than that? Honest disclosure: I was in love with him for awhile but the feelings weren't reciprocated. It caused me alot of pain but I decided his friendship was worth it, so like a masochist I decided to maintain the friendship. I value my friendships alot, and will usually do everything I can to keep them. I don't usually let myself just "drift away" for no reason.

I still love this friend alot. Not in a romantic way anymore; I've turned it into more of a best friend/brother type of love. He has a boyfriend now and they seem very happy together, so I don't harbor any secret hopes of him falling for me. I'm human though, so I do get a bit jealous sometimes...I wish it was me he was spending time with, or going on road trips with, or introducing to his family (even just as a friend).

So, to get to the point, he's pretty flaky lately. Yeah, he's busy, yeah he has a boyfriend, but he cancels plans with me, he doesn't talk to me unless I talk to him first, etc. And since I love him like a brother, it hurts. I've grieved and moved on from the loss of a possible relationship with him, so that doesn't hurt anymore. What does hurt, though, is that I feel like we're not that close anymore. We've drifted apart. I suppose that's natural, since he has a boyfriend and that relationship is usually more important than a friendship. But since I see him as a brother I still want to be part of his life, know what he's feeling, know what he's doing. Maybe I expect too much, though. There are pretty big signs that he doesn't see me as his brother the way I see him. E.g. cancelling lunch plans on Christmas Eve when I was going to give him his gift (I still haven't seen him to give it to him). Not rescheduling the plans. Not telling me about his birthday or a trip he went on (I learned about it from Facebook). Maybe these are petty things that shouldn't bother me. But it would never cross my mind to NOT let my best friends know that I'm going on a trip, or to wish them Happy Christmas, or make them a part of my birthday. Since my friend isn't doing that, it makes me realize I'm really not a part of his life anymore.

So what to do? I've started putting distance between him and me. I don't text him that much anymore, and I haven't invited him to hang out for awhile (even though I've wanted to). I've stopped sharing things with him that I would usually tell a best friend, and I'm (trying) to make him into a "regular" friend...a friend that I catch up with every once in a while but don't see or talk to regularly. Doing this won't get me what I want though...I want my best friend back (without me having to make all the effort). But I don't control his feelings, and the only thing I can control is how I act toward him. Do I keep being the longsuffering, ever-supportive friend who is there no matter what? Even though it hurts? Or do I do what people tell me is best for me in the long run...let him go, and find someone that can be a better friend? Honestly, I'm starting to give up...it hurts less, and I'm just too tired to try to save it.

But I love him and I'll miss him.

Quick update

2010-12-21T00:39:00.000-07:00

Just a quick update on me since I haven't written anything for almost a month. Life doesn't suck. I guess the vitamins I've been taking are working! I haven't been super happy about anything, but I haven't really been down or depressed either. Which is good, because the holidays usually overwhelm me with the pressure to be happy, spend money, etc. I feel guily lately about complaining, because my life could definitely be alot worse. Yeah, I don't really like my job too much, but I'm grateful that I have one. I get lonely sometimes, but I have really good roommates that I've been hanging out with and a few other friends here and there. My heart will probably never be whole again, but I have three little people that love me unconditionally. I'm getting old and ugly, but I have my health and I can do things outdoors that I enjoy. I struggle for money but my bills get paid, I have a roof over my head, and a car to get me places. Things could always get better, especially in the Prince Charming department, but I'm grateful for what I have and recognize how lucky I am. :)

Book Review: The Less-Dead

2010-11-28T21:22:00.000-07:00

The Less-Dead by April Lurie

Noah is 16 and is the son of the Bible Answer Guy, a local evangelical Christian radio personality. Noah has pretty much rejected most of his father's beliefs, although he still goes to church and is in love with the pastor's daughter. Noah meets Will, another student at his school for troubled kids who shares Noah's interest in music and poetry. Will and Noah quickly become friends even though Will is gay and Noah is straight.

Meanwhile, a serial killer is on the loose and is targeting gay teens. Noah believes that the killer has been a caller on his dad's program. After Will becomes the third victim and Noah finds clues written by the killer in Will's journal, Noah decides to investigate and is in danger of becoming a victim himself.

This book is like other books that address homosexuality and religion, such as The God Box by Alex Sanchez (highly recommended) but is different in that it's a murder mystery with a gay character in a supporting role. Some of the plot elements were pretty far-fetched and the end wasn't too much of a surprise, but the characters were likeable and well-developed. I finished the book in a few days, and that is usually an indication that I liked it.

I didn't really identify with any of the characters, but I think the book gave a realistic picture of how things are nowadays between straight and gay kids. We hear alot about bullying, but most kids don't care one way or the other about their friends' sexual preferences. Noah is a little bit weirded out when he learns Will is gay, and things get awkward when he finds out that Will kind of likes him. Noah regrets that his last interaction with Will was pushing him away. I like how other characters interact with Will and deal with homosexuality as well. Noah's conservative dad is a little nervous about Will at first but has a good discussion with him over dinner. Most of the kids in the church don't care that Will is gay, and the pastor's daughter is instrumental in getting her dad to stop affiliating with a group that tries to change gay people to straight. The church's youth pastor is also gay-affirming. This isn't the deepest book in the world, but the characters confront a number of important questions such as what it means to be a Christian, how to confront hate, the nature of faith, and the difference between saying you are gay-friendly and actually having gay friends.

Not as good as Sanchez's The God Box, but a good read nonetheless.

2010-11-21T23:16:00.000-07:00

I have alot of thoughts bouncing around in my head and I'm not quite sure how to write them down in an organized fashion. So I guess I'll just write and see where things go.

This week was my birthday. It was pretty much just a regular day like any other, and I deliberately didn't set my expectations too high so that I wouldn't end up disappointed (like other birthdays). Lots of people wished my happy birthday on facebook, a few called or did it in person or sent a personal text, and a couple of people invited me out to celebrate.

This weekend was good, though. It doesn't take too much to make me happy, and meeting a friend for lunch and shopping, and then hanging out with my roomies and going to see a movie was enough to put me in a good mood. It's great living with other introverts...I can say "I'm going to take a break and be antisocial for a little while" and they'll know exactly what I mean. Usually I just keep to myself at home, but lately I think we've gotten closer as roommates and we enjoy being together.

The friend I had lunch with...I always enjoy spending time with him. Unrequited love sucks though. From what I can see, I have three options: cut him off, be depressed and jealous, or love him as a best friend and brother and be happy for him. I've half-heartedly tried the first option and it isn't what I want. The second option is what I've been choosing, but it's getting old. So I'm trying for the third option. I want to be happy that he's happy with his boyfriend. I want to be excited for him, even when he does things with his boyfriend that I wish it was me doing with him...going on a roadtrip, meeting his parents, etc. I'm honestly not to that point yet, but hopefully I'll get there. At least I know he cares about me as a friend.

I've been pretty down and depressed lately. I'm about due for another round of depression anyway, and the cold weather and the holidays are always hard for me. My symptoms aren't as bad as they have been on other occasions, but I'm more irritible than usual, I'm sleeping a bit more than usual, I cry for no reason, I occasionally lock myself in the bathroom (for some reason that's my "safe place" when I feel too overwhelmed), I have a negative outlook on the future, and checking out permanently is always at the back of my mind (although it's not a realistic option at this point). I've been reading up on how certain vitamins help the brain absorp antidepressants better, so I've started taking some to see if I can get them to work better. So far I'm having fewer mood swings...I don't know if it's just a placebo effect or if it's really working. We'll see what happens.

I'm going to try to get into the habit of praying more, especially when I'm feeling down. I tried it tonight, asking for comfort from my lonliness, and it popped into my head that Heavenly Father doesn't want me to feel that way. It makes sense...he loves me and I'm sure it makes him sad to see me suffering. I guess that's my small contribution to the "it gets better" theme. So far it really hasn't for me, but if I could tell something to a young person that is suffering, it's that God doesn't hate you, he loves you with all his heart and it makes him sad that you're struggling so much. He is there with you even in your darkest moments.

That's it for now.

Untitled

2010-11-11T14:52:00.001-07:00

It's probably a good thing that I feel too blah and unmotivated to do anything stupid. Guess I'll just keep faking it til i make it. But God, if you want to send some happiness my way, I'd sure appreciate it.

Never Been Kissed

2010-11-10T22:04:00.001-07:00

I loved this week's episode of Glee. Maybe I'm just in a sensitive/sentimental mood, but it really impacted me, especially Kurt's and Coach Bieste's storylines. The songs were awesome too. The character I identified with least but wished i could be the most was Blaine. So hot, so confident... the exact opposite of me. I'm in love! When he was singing i couldn't help but think about how much easier it is to be young and gay today than when i was in high school. It's already gotten better, ya young whippersnappers... what i wouldnt give to be an out and confident highschooler. Or even an out and nonconfident highschooler. At least you guys are out, and not stuck in the closet til it's almost too late. But back to Blaine (mmmm, yum)... if i was confident like him maybe i wouldnt have such a problem getting guys to notice/like me. Something to work on.

Lately i haven't liked Kurt very much. He's so moody and victimy... reminds me of somebody (me). Ugh, is that who i am? I would definitely like to be Kurt though now. He's gonna get the sweet sweet hotness of Blaine's.................. lips. But yeah, i guess i identify with Kurt. I know what i want but I'm not confident enough to get it, and i blame life for sucking but i don't do much to change it. So hopefully what happened to Kurt will happen to me... lucious sexiness will suddenly appear in my life (yeah right). Seriously though, what i learned from Kurt is to stop being a victim of life's suckiness. Accept it or do something to change it but dont be the whiny bitch that i am about it.

The character i identified with most, unfortunately, was Coach Bieste. Not that I'm 40 and never been kissed, but I'm abrasive and awkward and not very attractive. Like Bieste, i have a nice marshmallowy inside, but the outside scares people. She (and I) has friends that care about her, gets pity kisses, and has reasons to smile sometimes. But the two of us are pretty beat down and don't have the energy to fight it anymore. We dont have realistic prospects for love. We're cynical and resigned to life's suckiness. Yep.

Life and death

2010-11-09T09:28:00.000-07:00

I've always figured that if I don't die suddenly in an accident or by some freak sickness, I'll probably die by suicide. Now, don't go getting all worried...I'm not depressed at the moment, and I'm not thinking of taking my life anytime in the near future. But I've always thought that I'd rather move on to the next life instead of being sick or old, wasting precious resources and being a burden to others, or not being in control of my body or mind and being able to live a quality life. I've been thinking more about this lately because of my grandpa. He's in his late eighties or early nineties and recently was in the hospital because he fell and broke his hip in a couple of places. He can't get around very well on his own, is going blind and deaf, and has a hard time remembering who people are. At first they weren't sure if he was going to make it, since a hip injury in people that age can be pretty serious, but he recovered enough to get out of the hospital. My grandma decided that she would need to put him in a nursing home until he gets better since she wouldn't be able to manage his needs. This was a very hard decision, and she knew that he wouldn't want to be there. I can't speak for my grandpa, but if it were me in that situation I would probably rather move on to the next phase of existence rather than be in a nursing home. Apparently he is lonely and depressed and angry. I would be too.

This might sound pretty callous, but in a way, it's not really my grandpa that's in the nursing home. It's a broken, weak shell of a body that doesn't work very well anymore, and a mind that is only there part-time. It's the remains of a man that has lived a long, fulfilling life. It's not the World War II veteran who spent time in a Japanese prison camp. It's not the caring father who raised 6 daughters and 1 son. It's not the architect that designed and built his own house. It's not the grandpa that would play with me when I was a child, letting me run the controls of his model train set or look at his coin collection that he hid in a secret compartment in a wall. That man is long gone. Or if not gone, imprisoned in a physical body that will only continue to deteriorate.

I'm glad I don't have to make decisions about what to do about my grandpa. I dread having to make decisions in the future about my own parents. But for me, I know that I don't want to get to the point of others having to make decisions. When I get to the point of not being able to make my own decisions, I don't want to be around any more. I'd rather end my life on my own terms and move on while I still have the capacity to say goodbye. That might seem selfish -- I would be leaving behind people that care about me and probably don't mind taking care of my needs. But at the same time, wouldn't it selfish of others to keep me around in my pain and suffering, just because they don't want to let me go? Especially if who I am is pretty much already gone, and it's just my shell hanging on to life? Wouldn't it be more compassionate to let me move on to whatever comes next before it gets to that point?

What I Learned at Church

2010-10-31T22:28:00.000-06:00

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Text: Katharina von Schlegel, b. 1697;
trans. by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897

My blog has been pretty religious lately. Not sure why that is - maybe I'm getting old and spirituality is becoming more important to me. But I've been taking comfort in it lately, and knowing that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me no matter what has helped me get through the past few weeks. We sang this hymn in church today, and it pretty well sums up my feelings. For some reason, the third verse above isn't part of the LDS hymnbook, but when I went searching for the lyrics, it was exactly what I needed to read. I have a "dearest friend" who has pretty much departed (not died, just drifted away) and for the past little bit I've been pretty down about it ("all is darkened in the vale of tears"). I've questioned if "It Gets Better" is really true (as has another friend, read his awesome blog post here) for those of us single, not-so-young-anymore, never-were-really-much-of-a-twink-anyway guys. This hymn says that sorrow and pain are only temporary, and God is there for us to take it away. I'm glad I have Him on my side :)

Silly ignorant friend

2010-10-13T15:35:00.000-06:00

I received the following on facebook this morning:

Dave, how's it going? I hope this message won't seem too offensive, but I thought I should perhaps write it.

I don't know but have you ever thought you might want to tone down a little your activism on gay rights? I mean, I don't want to offend you or anything but from a gospel standpoint you may not want to support gays or spend too much time with them if there would ever be any danger of becoming one yourself!

Traditionally back in the day saying something like that might be considered as an insult, but...

I don't want to 'not' send a message like this and then spend a bunch of time worrying if it was something I should have brought up. And obviously you already know I have a rep for being rude on FB, so... Just thought it might be something to consider in case you hadn't thought of it.

If giving up gay rights activism would make your life seem a little empty and boring, there's always Socialism! ha ha

Cheers,
<silly ignorant friend>

I responded:

Sigh...are you still stuck on this?

I could write this to you: "Have you ever thought you might want to tone down a little on your hate speech and homophobia? I don't want to offend you or anything but from a gospel standpoint you may not want to appear so unkind and uncharitable. Jesus said Love One Another and spent his time with sinners, right?"

The church's position is stated pretty clearly here:
http://beta-newsroom.lds.org/article/church-mormon-responds-to-human-rights-campaign-petition-same-sex-attraction

It states: "As a church, our doctrinal position is clear: any sexual activity outside of marriage is wrong, and we define marriage as between a man and a woman. However, that should never, ever be used as justification for unkindness. Jesus Christ, whom we follow, was clear in His condemnation of sexual immorality, but never cruel. His interest was always to lift the individual, never to tear down." I hope this doesn't offend, but your posts pass the line of "unkindness" and approach "cruelty". Let Jesus do the condemning; it's not up to you.

I especially liked the second-to-last paragraph in that document: "God’s universal fatherhood and love charges each of us with an innate and reverent acknowledgement of our shared human dignity. We are to love one another. We are to treat each other with respect as brothers and sisters and fellow children of God, no matter how much we may differ from one another. "

I'm not too worried about "becoming one myself", as you put it, since I already am one. To most people it just doesn't matter. Besides, homosexuality is not a contagious disease. As for "not supporting them or spending too much time with them" that would mean not seeing family members or close friends, which would be silly and judgmental.

I appreciate your concern, <silly ignorant friend>, but I will continue to stand up for my beliefs. No hard feelings.

David

Silly, silly friend. I think he didn't realize I'm gay.

Boyd K and Postmodern Mormonism

2010-10-12T15:13:00.000-06:00

I've tried my best to not say too much about good ole Boyd K. I've posted a few comments on blogs and facebook, but I'm not going to write a post analyzing why his conference talk sucked or give my reactions to it (other than what I just said). Sociologist David, rather, is pretty interested in other people's reactions. We all know how it played out: Utah's gay community protested, national gay rights organizations got involved, some LDS members were confused and bruised, and others came out in support of President Packer. Pretty nasty things have been said on both sides: comments like

I know that God loves us and am grateful He gave us prophets to guide us through these last days when Satan has such a strong hold on the hearts of so many people. I'm grateful to have prophets who can remind us of what's good and right while Satan is fooling people into believing that evil is good and that those who stand up for what's right are hateful and bigoted.

and

Now, if one insists that they can be Christian and still be gay/lesbian, or that it is acceptable before God because He loves us all and that he allows this practise, then you are sadly misinformed and can hardly call yourself Christi...an as your claim is totally inconsistant with scripture.

are some of the tamer comments to be found at the We Love You President Packer facebook page. It has touched me personally as well. I've had to deal with statements from one friend such as:

"I actually hate the whole idea of homosexuality and gays. I just wish it didn't exist, because if it didn't, then I wouldn't have to deal with people thinking I might be gay because I'm still single. They say they hurt no one... well I have a different opinion about it. They have poisoned our entire society. Sorry that is just my opinion. I am sure your gay family and friends are fine people (other than the fact that they are gay), but..."

and

What the heck? Which GOOD or even just fairly ADEQUATE Mormons said that they felt confused and bruised by Elder Packers comments? Homosexuality being wrong is a fairly basic doctrine if you ask me. And whether they can change their attractions or not, they certainly can't engage in gay behavior and stay in the church...... or are we going to be rewriting the Bible now?

But I also got a letter from a more open minded friend that said:

I am truly devastated by the recent conference address. I follow that particular issue closely and have felt we (as a church) were making some slow headway recently. So when people say that recent comments were nothing new, I think "maybe not ten years ago, but they seem like a step back from where we were headed". While it has been rough for me to reconcile my feelings, I cannot even pretend to understand what you are feeling. But I did want you to know that there are more people out there than you are aware of that support and love you!

Needless to say, it's been a pretty polarizing issue. Something else that's interesting to me is how gay mormons themselves are reacting to it, and to negativity by the church in general. Many leave and speak out against the church, some become bitter but stay quiet, and others would rather just leave the church behind as part of a former life. There is a small but growing group, though, that is staying in the church and wants to try to make changes from the inside. I used to think that I was the only one that wanted to stay in the church AND be gay, but I'm seeing that I'm not alone anymore. People from Turner Bitton (hopefully that facebook link works, he gives an excellent message) to David Baker to John Gustav-Wrathall to the amazing Brent Kerby (another facebook link), just to name a few, are building on the Church's official policy of treating gay and lesbian members with love and respect. The vocal minority inside the church are against people like us, but many members are not. This gives me hope for the future. Lately I've been reading alot on the Emerging Church movement in Christianity, which is basically believes that the organizational and institutional church is a thing of the past, and that Christianity is changing as our post-modern society does too. I believe that the LDS church will have to confront this sooner or later as well. Leaders such as Elder Marlin Jensen and President Dieter Uchtdorf are maybe taking baby steps in that direction already. As I wrote to my ignorant friend, "Your hurtful views are increasingly becoming antiquated...the older generation (and you) look on gay people with disgust; our generation probably doesn't like them but tolerates them; but the youth of today don't care one way or the other. To the generation after that, the importance of sexual preference will be on par with eye or hair color. They will look back on us with astonishment just like we look back with astonishment on having different drinking fountains for black people...it's just something we can't fathom, and we wonder how skin color could have mattered so much." I'm glad we have gay Mormons that are staying in the church to help lead this movement.

Book Review -- The Vast Fields of Ordinary by Nick Burd

2010-10-07T16:14:00.000-06:00

It's been awhile since I've read/reviewed a gay-themed book. I picked one at random from my "to read" list, and it turned out to be a good one. The Vast Fields of Ordinary by Nick Burd takes place in a nondescript midwestern town during protagonist Dade Hamilton's last summer before going away to college. He's somewhat of a loner (why are gay kids in books always misfits or loners?) working a job he hates at a grocery store, and he doesn't have any friends other than his secret "boyfriend" (more of a hook-up buddy) Pablo, who is a football star and dates the prettiest girl in the school. Over the summer he meets new best friend Lucy, a lesbian girl staying with her aunt for the summer, and mysterious badboy Alex Kincaid, whom he is instantly attracted to. This gives him the confidence to begin coming out to people and making the transition from confused teenager to comfortable college student. Side plots include Dade's distant parents' crumbling marriage and a young girl who has disappeared or been kidnapped.

I identified fairly well with Dade (other than his and the other characters drug use and drinking). He's a loner, is out to himself but not very confident, and is stuck in an unhealthy relationship with a "friend" (Pablo) that doesn't treat him very well and can't give him the relationship he deserves. He's not quite sure what direction his life is going to take and although he is at a crossroads, he is letting himself float along rather than taking ownership and responsibility of his life. I can also identify with Pablo -- he is obviously deeply closeted and confused about his sexuality, and he comes from a conservative and patriarchal culture where masculinity is valued. This confusion leads him to a depression which shows itself as anger, promiscuity, taking advantage of other people, and the "brain damage" that many of us have experienced in the coming out process in a conservative Mormon culture. I didn't identify with Alex much, who is comfortable with who he is but, like Dade, is floating along in life and has even fewer opportunities to change things. Although Dade and Alex don't have much in common other than being gay, lacking direction, and liking weed, their relationship helps Dade realize what a good relationship is about and gives him the confidence he needs to take charge of his life. He is able to finally put Pablo behind him and move on to something more positive. All of the characters were well-developed and likeable.

I have to say that I absolutely hated the ending of the book. In fact, I was mad about it for days after I finished it. I won't give it away, but things didn't get resolved in a way that left me feeling happy and positive. That's not necessarily a bad thing though. A good book makes me think and feel strongly, whether in a positive or negative way, and this one definitely did.

Weirdness/Changing?

2010-09-26T01:09:00.000-06:00

So I went to tonight's moho party at Scott and Sarah's and stayed for about 15 minutes. I guess it's just not my scene anymore. I tried talking to a few people but kept getting the vibe of "if you're not a twinky BYU student we don't want to know you" and felt like I was wallpaper or something. The strange thing is, though, ..... wait for it ......that I didn't even care. Before, even like just a few months ago, this would have sent me into a tailspin and totally crushed my self esteem and I probably would have gone home and cried. Tonight though, it was more like "ummm this is a total waste of my time and I'd much rather go home and curl up on the couch and watch a movie." So that's what I did :)

It made me wonder, though....am I finally growing up and moving out of this damn adolescent period that I've been stuck in for years? Interesting....

I've met some really cool people at moho parties and found some good friends there. I think I'm going to be done with them for awhile, though. Nothing against Scott and Sarah, they are both very welcoming and loving, and two of the best people in the world. But the parties are just not for me anymore. If I ever get a free Wednesday, I think I'll give Simply Social a try.

Faith and Bitterness

2010-09-19T13:15:00.000-06:00

Two somewhat related topics, and I'll start with the negative one: I've come to the conclusion that I'm at high risk to become a bitter old man. I pride myself on being open-minded, accepting of everyone, and respectful of all points of view. But lately I find myself easily irritated by certain groups of people (e.g. twinks, ultraconservatives, pseudoadults, and ironically, bitter people) and it makes me judge them and not want to be around people in general. Worse, I've slowly lost my ability to be happy for other people. I'm not yet at the point where I derive comfort from others' misfortune, but I find that I get jealous of people's successes and think "why can't that be me" rather than be happy for them. So...I think that all needs to stop right now. I don't want to be that kind of person! It's not who easygoing, nonjudgmental me is! I'm going to focus on being happy for others and not being jealous of them.

Second topic: at church today, I realized that the answer to my Why I Stay post (i.e. why do I keep attending and believing in a church that officially doesn't like me as a gay man) is because of faith. This actually comes as kind of a relief -- I've been worried about things such as do I stay out of guilt, fear, brainwashing, etc. But it's because of faith. The nature of faith is believing something that is impossible to prove by scientific means, even if it doesn't make sense. A lot of mohos have some level of resentment toward the LDS church, whether it's because of personal experiences, the church's institutional support of Proposition 8, or that the doctrine just doesn't make sense anymore. I've never really felt that resentment even though I do disagree with some of what the church does/teaches, but I've never been able to pinpoint why. But I think it's because of the faith I have in a loving father in heaven. I can't prove he's there, and I can't prove that he is more merciful that what other people may think, but I have faith that he loves me and will judge me on how I treat other people and how honestly and morally I live my life, rather than who I fall in love with or what kind of anatomy I like. Although I don't necessarily keep all of the commandments as the church has interpreted them, I've pretty much put my life in His hands and rely on His mercy that things will be fair and all get sorted out in the end. I don't worry too much about things that get in the way, such as Proposition 8 or less-than-Christlike members of the church. It's all between me and Him.

Antisocial, introverted, or just happy with myself?

2010-08-30T17:43:00.000-06:00

Two of my close friends recently ended their relationships with their boyfriends. Both of them are understandibly sad and feeling down and missing the person they broke up with. When I started blogging a year or so ago, I was very dependent on other people to make me happy. I hated being alone and even got panicky if I wasn't talking to or texting someone. I felt down if I didn't have anything to do on weekends and felt like a loser for staying home by myself. I took rejection pretty hard. My happiness depended on other people, and even though I'm an introvert I felt like I needed to be at every party and get to know every guy. "Needy" is a good word for what I was. I feel like I'm different now though...I don't have to know what friends are doing every minute of the day, I don't have to fill every minute of my time to feel good about myself, and most of all I don't mind being by myself or just hanging out with family. I usually tend to stay in more often than go out, and I don't mind it.

My friends tell me I'm antisocial...I don't interact with very many people at parties, I don't have that many friends, and I don't look for opportunities to meet people. I don't "put myself out there." One of the friends I mentioned above kind of made fun of me for not dating anyone recently. I've kind of taken the antisocial label for myself, though, as well. It's my way of coping with rejection and lessing the pressure of being an introvert in social situations...if I call myself antisocial then I can act that way and be okay with it.

The thing is, though, I don't think I'm really antisocial (although my friend says I'm in denial). Asocial maybe...I don't interact with too many people and I'm kind of a loner. I don't care about having a million facebook friends and I'm perfectly fine sitting on the sidelines most of the time. But I don't think that's necessarily bad anymore. I'm alot more comfortable with myself now that I was a year ago. I can spend time by myself and not have a panic attack. I get bored and crave human interaction, but being alone doesn't make me depressed or sad (most of the time). I don't need other people to make me happy. I agree that I would probably be happier in a relationship, but it's not a must anymore. When refuting my friend's assertion that I'm antisocial, I told him "Why should my happiness depend on other people? If I don't enjoy my own company how will others enjoy it?" For some reason that made him mad and he stopped talking to me. But I truly believe it -- if I can't be happy on my own then I don't have a good foundation and I'm dependent on others...I might be happy when others make me happy, but when they're gone I don't have a foundation to fall back on. I see myself as taking baby steps...I used to dislike myself but I'm getting more comfortable and happy with who I am. There are still things I dislike about myself, but maybe as I get used to liking myself I will be more social and reach out to others. So for now, although I call myself antisocial, I don't really think I am...I'm just getting comfortable with who I am and less dependent on other people.

Why I Stay

2010-08-15T22:18:00.000-06:00

Why do I still attend and consider myself a member of a church whose position is that I'm a bad person? It's something that I've been thinking about off and on for awhile. I took the following stupid internet quiz and got this result:

You are 23% Mormon

You have some of the Mormon values, but overall you're far more normal than most Utahns. You realize life is out there to enjoy, family is important, and there are better ways to spend a Sunday than at church!

Should You Stay Mormon?
Take More Quizzes

I also took the Belief-O-Matic Quiz on Beliefnet.com (probably a bit more reliable) and got the following:

1.	Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (100%)
2.	Liberal Quakers (83%)
3.	Unitarian Universalism (74%)
4.	Orthodox Quaker (72%)
5.	Baha'i Faith (71%)
6.	Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (69%)

So, why do I stay? Especially since, in its simplest form, I've made a conscious decision to disregard some of the teachings of the church and rely on God's mercy but understanding his justice? To be honest, I'm not quite sure. Part of it is probably just inertia, I've gone my whole life attending church on Sundays, and so it's just part of the routine. Second is probably family pressure: my whole family are strong, conservative Mormons, and I don't really want to rock the boat. Third, I want my kids raised in the church. I attend with them on Sundays since their mom doesn't go much anymore.

But fourth, it's because I believe in most of what the church teaches. I believe in God the Father and that he created us and is the father of our spirits. I believe Jesus is the son of God and gave his life for us so that we can be forgiven of our sins and return to God's presence. I believe the Holy Ghost can help guide us and influence us. Although it seems somewhat far-fetched that God would deliver his gospel to some insignificant desert tribe like the Hebrews, I guess he had to start somewhere. So I believe the Bible to be the word of God, mostly. It's gone through the hands of many different people with many different agendas, so it's definitely not God's literal word.

So far, so good. I'm at least Christian.

I believe in the restoration of the gospel. At least, I believe things got pretty screwed up after Jesus died. Studying the early Christian church is fascinating. Tons of bloodshed, kidnappings, greed, blackmail, bribery, and everything else in the name of God. Since I believe in a God that loves us, I believe he would do something to get things back on track. I believe in the Joseph Smith story, and I believe that God revealed the true gospel to him. I find it pretty easy to believe in the Book of Mormon as well. It just makes sense that God would talk to other people besides his insignificant tribe in the Middle East. The stories of how Joseph Smith translated it are pretty fanciful, but I still believe its God's word without all the baggage the Bible has. I also find it pretty easy to believe in continuing revelation. Again, if God loves us, it doesn't really make sense that the would set things in motion, talk to a few prophets a long time ago, send his son to earth to die, and then disappear. It makes sense that he would continue having prophets on the earth to guide his people. It also makes sense that he would authorize people to act in his name, rather than letting anybody do it on his own.

So...I'm essentially Mormon. I don't know of any other religion that believes in all that.

But then things get sort of hazy. I'm sort of following the temple recommend questions here when I talk about what I believe. Do I sustain the Prophet and the Quorum of the Twelve as prophets, seers, and revelators, and other leaders as called? Well, sort of. But I don't believe they are infallible. Look at some of the crazy things Brigham Young taught. Heck, look at some of the crazy things Boyd K. Packer has said! Do I believe the LDS church is the only true church? Well...pretty much. Like I said, I don't know of any other church that teaches everything we do. But at the same time, who's to say God doesn't have other prophets he communicates with? If I believe he had at least two communities in ancient times, why not now?

Do I live the law of chastity? Do I keep the covenants I have made? Am I a full tithe payer? Do I keep the word of wisdom? Well...this isn't going to turn into a confessional. Let's just say I'm not a perfect person. But I do believe in the reasons behind these rules. And I hope to find a husband and live the law of chastity with him. And that sentence pretty much answers the question about if I support any groups whose teachings are contrary to the church. (The last time the bishop asked me that question, though, I answered "yes, I'm a Democrat." He laughed.)

So rules/laws/ceremonies/rituals....I fail the Mormon test there. Which is why I don't have a temple recommend, or feel right having one. But what about the spirit of the law?

Is there anything in my conduct with my family that is out of harmony with the church? Absolutely not. My kids are my life, and my goal is to be the best damn dad possible. Does being gay prevent me from being a good father? No way. Am I honest in my dealings with my fellowmen? Absolutely. That is something I take pride in. Do I believe in the church's focus on families, service, kindness, etc? Yep.

So, I guess I stay because it's what I believe and I can't get it all anywhere else. I see myself as being on the outskirts of things in relation to most members of the church, obviously. If I had to label myself I would call myself a liberal Mormon, or postmodern Mormon, or something like that. But still Mormon.

(End note: I absolutely respect others' beliefs. I'm a relativist -- just because something works, or is right for me, doesn't make it right for someone else. Truth can be very broad. Many mohos and gay people have very different opinions about the church, and religion in general. Many have been hurt pretty badly by the church. Feel free to comment and give me feedback, or ask questions. Respectfully.)

Catching up

2010-08-04T12:25:00.000-06:00

Summer has been pretty good to me, I've been keeping my demons at bay by focusing on myself and my family. I've gotten into photography lately and have taken a bunch of road trips to combine some of my favorite things: taking pictures, being outdoors, geocaching, seeing new places, and being with the kidddos. I've been spending alot of time by myself doing things I enjoy too: reading, watching movies, etc. I feel like I've distanced myself from superficial people that bring me down, but probably unintentionally distanced myself from friends too, just to avoid getting hurt and because I don't really trust anyone emotionally any more. I forgot to take my happy pills with me on one of my road trips and was doing just fine without them, so I figured I would detox myself from them and see what happened. I told myself if I found myself crying for no reason or hiding from people in the bathroom that I would go back on them....now that I'm back to the daily grind of a job I don't really like and not much time for myself, let's just say I'm going to go back on them :) I did apply for a new job, though, and thought the interview went well...still waiting to hear back from them tho. I hope I get it, because it would be a needed change. Lonliness catches up sometimes, but like I said I'm not going to write many negatives in my blog anymore...don't want people to get the wrong idea about me or feel sorry for me. I wish I could say I had an active social life with lots of close friends and did exciting things with them every weekend, but it wouldn't be true...it's all good though, I'm making my own fun lately and learning to enjoy being with myself. And of course, I have the kiddos to drive me insane, but keep me sane at the same time...if I didn't have them, I wouldn't be here anymore :)

Dear You

2010-07-11T13:56:00.000-06:00

Dear You,

You don't read this blog as far as I know, so you're not actually going to read this. Unless I decide to send it to you, which I probably won't. I don't know, I don't think it would serve any purpose and just cause more drama. But I need to get my feelings out somehow. I'm giving up, and I want to let you know why.

When I first met you, I thought you were the awesomest guy in the world. Heck, until very recently I still thought that. You're still an awesome guy, but you're not the same guy you were when I met you. That's natural, of course, everyone changes, but the more recent you is hard to deal with. You're distant, you don't communicate, and you don't give any cues at all about what you're feeling or what I can do to be a good friend. You don't give me any feedback at all when I share my feelings with you. I have no idea what you're thinking, and sometimes I feel like I'm interrogating you to get any information at all from you. I hardly ever see you or hang out with you, and I don't hear from you unless I initiate contact.

You claim it's because you're so busy and because of your living situation. At first I went along with that, trying to be understanding, but I'm gonna call bullshit on that now. I'm never too busy for friends, and if they mean something to me I make time for them. Even if I've had a hectic day, I still make time to send a text or talk with them for a minute. If they want to talk and I'm busy I just let them know I'll get back to them later. If they want to hang out and I can't, I suggest another time. I generally know what they are up to and what their mood is, and they know the same about me.

If I didn't know you for as long as I have, I would think you weren't interested in being friends or were trying to blow me off. At this point I don't think that, but at the same time I don't know what to think. I guess it's just you being you. But I don't like you being you. And that realization is what has helped me decide that it's not worth my time to keep trying so hard. I never try to force my expectations onto people or expect them to change. But for awhile now all I get from you are negative emotions...or what I mean is that interacting with you generally makes me more sad/mad than happy. And that's not what friendship should be. I find myself frustrated with you most of the time because of what I wrote above...no communication, no time, no seeing you, etc. I think the straws that broke the camel's back are the time I came up to see you and you basically made me feel like crap for doing it, and last night when you knew I wanted to hang out and didn't have plans...but when your plans fell through you didn't call me or let me know. Not to be dramatic, but your actions scream "YOURE NOT THAT IMPORTANT TO ME!!"

So I'm done. If I'm totally wrong on this and am just being insensitive and a bad friend by not being more understanding, I apologize. But like I said, I have no idea what to think. I'm not going to end our friendship, but I can't keep thinking of you as a best friend and hoping that you think the same about me. It's too frustrating and I can't do it anymore. If you want to try to save things, please talk to me and let's figure out how to do it. If not, I would still appreciate some feedback from you on what I have said. It would help me with closure to understand where you are coming from. And of course we can still be texting and facebook friends if you want to.

Love forever,
David

Two Books

2010-07-01T15:50:00.000-06:00

I've been meaning to write this post forever. I read two good gay-themed books lately that I want to recommend. I'll shamelessly copy the summary of each one from goodreads.com and just write some quick thoughts.

The first one is Bait by Alex Sanchez. First, the summary:

When a guy in his class looks at him funny, Diego punches him in the face, and ends up on probation. At first he wants nothing to do with his probation officer. But as Diego starts to open up, he begins to realize that Mr. Vidas is the first person in his life who ever really wanted to listen to him. With Vidas's help, Diego begins to make real progress in controlling his anger. He even opens up enough to tell Vidas about the shark tooth that his stepfather gave him that he uses to cut himself. But only if Diego can find the courage to trust Vidas with the darkest secrets from his past will he be able to heal completely.

In this bold story of a boy trying to grow beyond a painful past, award-winning author Alex Sanchez calls upon his personal experience as a probation officer to reveal the complexities of one of his most genuinely realized characters to date.

And the quick review: Alex Sanchez is one of my favorite gay YA authors, and, I would say, one of the better ones. I read his Rainbow Boys trilogy when I was coming out and it helped me alot (even though I'm not chronologically an adolescent, I still am emotionally sometimes), and all of his other books are good too. This one was a little bit different in that the main character was not gay but one of the supporting characters is. The story was somewhat predictable but the characters were well-developed and likeable. I identified with Vidas, the probation officer, since that is what I used to do. It made me really miss it and want to get back into a job where I directly help young people better their lives.

The next one is Will Grayson, Will Grayson by David Levithan and John Green. Again, the summary:

One cold night, in a most unlikely corner of Chicago, two teens—both named Will Grayson—are about to cross paths. As their worlds collide and intertwine, the Will Graysons find their lives going in new and unexpected directions, building toward romantic turns-of-heart and the epic production of history’s most fabulous high school musical.
Hilarious, poignant, and deeply insightful, John Green and David Levithan’s collaborative novel is brimming with a double helping of the heart and humor that have won both them legions of faithful fans.

And the review: This book was awesome. The premise is pretty unlikely, but I could identify just a bit with all three of the main characters, two of whom are gay and one who is straight. Will#1 has two rules for life, which I also try to follow as best I can: first, don't care, and second, shut up. Will#2 is moody, pretty straight-acting, and looking for a relationship. Tiny is way over the top, the stereotypical gay diva, but I could identify with his bad luck in love. The book is well written and has some hilarious lines.

That's it!

Misunderstood, a Bible Verse, and a Couple of Books: Part 2, the Bible verse

2010-06-15T11:34:00.000-06:00

In Sunday school last week the lesson was about the part of 1 Samuel where Saul becomes king, fails, and David beomes the new king and fights Goliath (for some reason I get an ironic/perverse pleasure linking to lds.org from my blog lol). Usually the teacher is pretty good, and the ward is not uber-conservative and fairly nonjudgmental. But this time he skipped over my freakin' favorite verse in the Old Testament and didn't even mention it!! 1 Samuel 16:7... "But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; ... for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." This verse gives me such comfort. God doesn't care what I look like or how I present myself to others. He doesn't care how other people view my actions or lifestyle (ugh, how I hate that word). He doesn't care if a person has tattoos or body piercings, or how much money they make, or how well they dress. Heck, he probably doesn't even care that I voted for Obama. What He cares about is what is in my heart. He cares that I treat others with kindness and respect. He cares that I am honest and hard-working. He cares that I am the best father I can be. He cares that I love Him and worship Him in my own way, and doesn't place too much importance, I sincerely believe, on the anatomy of the person I happen to love.

There is a lot more from this lesson that demands discussion. For example, does the Lord make mistakes? (1 Samuel 15:11, the Lord says "it repenteth me that I have set Saul to be king"). I'm not sure, but I do believe an omnipotent God can change his mind about things. Saying he can't would be limiting his power. Also, which is more important, ceremony and ritual (animal sacrifice, in this instance) or obedience? Samuel says obedience, and I tend to agree...at least as far as what is in our hearts is more important than whether we attend church every Sunday, etc. But this can be taken way too far, and alot of time it is. Saul got in trouble for sparing the life of a rival king and keeping some of the animals to sacrifice. The teacher presented this as Saul did it deliberately as an act of rebellion to make himself look better, but I'm not so sure. The Lord knows his heart. Might he have done it out of mercy for his enemy and love for the Lord, even though it was perhaps misguided? In any case, even though he asked forgiveness, the Lord rejected him from being king and Samuel took the rival king and "hewed [him] in pieces before the Lord." Hmmm...the God I worship and obey is a God of mercy and love, not one that is violent and unforgiving. Which one do you believe in?

Misunderstood, a Bible Verse, and a Couple of Books

2010-06-15T10:14:00.000-06:00

I've had a few topics for posts bouncing around in my head for awhile, but I haven't gotten around to writing them. So I'm just going to squish them together into one post and not elaborate too much on any of them. Okay, wait, I changed my mind...lol...I'm going to do 3 mini-posts separately. So read all of them and comment!! :)

Misunderstood
A couple of weeks ago I wrote to an acquaintance and asked him point-blank, "What made you blow me off after we met and not want to be friends?" I was over the somewhat hurt feelings of extending a hand of friendship and having it rejected, and wasn't looking for an apology or pity or a passive-agressive confrontation (and I told him this). I just wanted an honest answer, and I knew (or at least sensed) that he was the type of person that could answer this question in a constructive way. And he did. He gave me some very good things to think about and helped me to identify some things I could change next time I'm trying to make friends with somebody. I appreciated his comments and wasn't hurt or angered at all by what he had to say. BUT....his answer basically came down to "the more I read your blog the more I realize how high-maintenance you are, and I already have one high maintenance friend and can't really handle another. And I'm not really looking for friends anyway, I'm more focused on finding a relationship." I'm summarizing alot, and he said it in a positive, non-offensive way. But it was kind of just one more strike against blogging too much any more, especially about feelings and emotions, and double-especially when they are negative. This acquaintance knew me through my blog and based his impressions of me completely on what I had written, rather than getting to know me better when we met in real life. I can't really fault him for that; I suppose I would do the same thing. The problem is, my blog is only one side of me, and lately I use my blog as a therapeutic way to get my negative emotions out. I vent alot and seem pretty emo sometimes. But it's not all of who I am. I do it partly because writing is very helpful for me to get my feelings out, and also partly because I recognize that friends get tired of hearing negatives all the time...and since I don't want to burden them by venting verbally all the time, I do it pretty openly on my blog. In real life though, I'm fairly private with my feelings and when I'm feeling down and emo I withdraw rather than burdening other people and bringing them down with me. But most of the time I'm a very understanding person, an attentive listener, a supportive friend, and fun to be around in my own nerdy/quiet way. So basically, what I want to say is this: if you're a regular reader of my blog and happen to meet me in real life, don't judge me just on my blog!! Get to know me in person! I come across as a lot more emo in my blog than I do in real life, I promise!! Yes, I can be a demanding friend, but I do it with good intentions and I'm not going to burden you with all my problems! And I'm working on being less demanding!! </rant>

I Am an Island

2010-05-26T16:26:00.000-06:00

Wow, it's been a month since I've posted anything. My last post alluded to my "screw the world" attitude, and that's probably the reason why. My mood has been good overall; I've had a few down days, but nothing too significant. I've just gotten used to being alone, and so I haven't felt the need to share anything. I guess that has its advantages and disadvantages. I get lonely sometimes but I have learned to rely on myself for my happiness and not be dependent on other people to feel good about myself. I don't put up with crap from "friends" anymore since I don't really need them.

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.

I've found activities that I can enjoy on my own: reading, hiking, going for walks, etc. I've focused more on the people that matter...which is mostly family. I've been a lot less social, have skipped activities that I used to look forward to, and haven't made much of an effort to meet new people.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.

It just seems like everyone around me lets me down. Someone I consider a close friend let me down hard yesterday. Before I would have ignored it or excused it, but this time I confronted him on it. He apologized, but for some reason it didn't really mean much. Before I would have been sad and depressed, but now I'm sad and angry. It's easiest just to withdraw. And if I don't have friends or meet anyone to crush on, I won't get hurt. The only thing I want to make sure of is that I don't withdraw from the people that truly care about me. I know there are a couple of them, and I want to make sure I don't push them away.

I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.

I have some book reviews I want to post, but I think I'm just going to stay away from "feeling" posts for awhile. I don't want to feel anymore.

I'm not very good at being mad at people

2010-04-24T12:17:00.001-06:00

...or disliking them, but it's alot easier and less painful than dealing with my real feelings. I was going to put that as my facebook status but i figured i could elaborate on it more here. I suppose that should be obvious to me rather than new and insightful...I mean, having worked with teenagers, part of what i did sometimes was helping them go deeper and figure out where their anger was coming from and what their real feelings were. And realizing that, i find it weird that I'm trying to use it as a coping mechanism now. It's something I usually help people avoid. I'm not very good at being mad...I usually give people the benefit of the doubt and forgive pretty quickly and apologize for things so that everyone can be happy. I hate conflict. But i'm starting to understand firsthand why people use anger. I'm tired of feeling down and depressed when people are stupid, and its alot easier to just be mad at them. It puts up a wall and masks my hurt and confusion. It puts the ball back in the other person's court and puts the responsability on them to solve the problem. Not caring means not hurting. I have a certain friend that really takes me for granted and I've been bottling up alot of feelings toward him for awhile. Last night I let them out and told him. Not in a mean way or a mad way, just straightforwardly. And now being mad at him makes it easier to cope. Instead of feeling bad and apologizing for my feelings, and texting him and asking him to not be mad at me, I just tell myself to be mad at him and let him deal with it. It feels good. Screw him, i dont need him. Of course, i dont really mean that, and I understand perfectly the feelings i'm avoiding, but its an easy way out, and thats what i need right now. And thats probably the reason behind my new "screw the world" philosophy with meeting new people...if i dont care, i dont have to make an effort, and i wont get hurt. It's just interesting that i'm using a not-usually-very-positive technique to feel better.

Stability

2010-04-05T20:56:00.000-06:00

I crave stability in my life. I like being spur-of-the-moment and trying random things, but I like to know that I have a safe place to go back to when I'm done, and I like knowing what is going to happen in the future. I realized that when I feel down and depressed, it's usually because of a lack of stability. Not that I'm unstable...I have a permanent job, a family that is a constant in my life, and the anchors of good friends and my spirituality. But there are areas of my life that lack stability, and this affects who I am. One example is that where I lived for the past year I never decorated or made it look homey because I knew I would be moving in a year, and it wasn't worth the emotional effort to make it a home. Another example is that I crave a boyfriend because I know what it is like to be in a long-term relationship, and I want the stability of knowing I'm loved and that someone is there for me. When I don't have stability or know what to expect in the future I get stressed and anxious and depressed.

Hopefully things will be a bit more stable in the near future. Despite the stress I had about moving, things are falling into place and I'll have 3 rent-paying roommates soon. I love the new house and desperately hope that it will be a long-term living situation. I've kind of moved away from looking for new friends and trying to find a boyfriend...I think both of those things made life too unstable. Reaching out to people that don't care (e.g. Ben, Nick, many BYU mohos) has taken an emotional toll. Trying to meet guys online has not been successful. I'm not as anxious now to meet new people and make new friends...I'm happy (for now) with what I've got and rather than focus on new people I want to focus on what I have. I want to develop and improve relationships with the people I already know (e.g. Brandon, Michaels, Scott). Trying to make new friends with guys who don't know what they want (and have crappy social skills) isn't promoting stability for me right now. And it seems that the closest friends I have (Mike, Steve, Chris) are ones that I haven't tried to force or move along quickly. So I'm not going to be antisocial and avoid people or reject new friendships, but I'm just not going to make it a priority right now. Feel free to get to know me, but if you don't make an effort I'm not going to either.
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I didn't watch or listen to a single word of conference this weekend. A couple of other bloggers have written that this is a sign of their escaping the clutches of the Mormon church...or at least it not being as important in their lives. I usually watch the Priesthood session with my dad and brother, but this time my dad was out of town and I was just getting back in to town, so I missed it. I usually at least pretend to watch the Sunday sessions at my mom's house, but they didn't get back into town til Sunday evening. And I didn't really miss it. I'll probably go back and read some of the talks, but I think conference tends to promote instability in me at times as well. Many of the general authorities are kind and loving, but others are clueless about how what they say opresses people. On the other hand, as I mentioned, my spirituality is a great source of stability for me. Deciding to take what I want from the LDS church and fit it with who I am has made me feel loved by God. Of course, some might say that I'm deluding myself and being led away by the devil...but oh well.
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I had a great trip to Las Vegas and Death Valley this weekend. After the move and stress at work, I needed a break. Usually I go to Ogden and hang out with Robbie to escape reality, but I needed something more this time. It was very relaxing and I got both the glitter and glamor of Las Vegas and the peace and serenity of nature in Death Valley. I need more vacations.
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I'm on a diet. I've never dieted before. But I'm fast approaching the part of life that doing nothing isn't going to cut it anymore. My clothes are getting a little bit tight and my stomach is sticking out more than I like (what a way to get the cute guys who are reading this, right?) My ex and I are doing it together, and today was the first day. Instead of 3 big meals and snacks in between, I'm going to attempt 4 small meals and a small snack at the end of the day. It was kind of painful today, but hopefully I'll get used to it. Instead of eating 2000+ calories like I usually do, I ate 1410. I'm committing to 2 weeks. Maybe I'll even get motivated to exercise.

ugh...stress...

2010-03-23T15:38:00.000-06:00

Stress is getting to me. Most of it is good stress (meaning stress resulting from positive changes) that is temporary, but it gets me overanalyzing things, which gets my bad stress going, which...you get the picture.

I'm really excited for my new living situation. I'm going to be living with three other moho friends in a cute duplex, and saving alot of money at the same time. Hopefully. I have to move out by next week, and we have to all get together to sign the new lease before I can move in. I put down a deposit, and now doubts are arising such as what if someone flakes out and doesn't want to move in...then I'm out the money. And homeless, or responsible for a much bigger chunk of rent. I don't have too much stuff, but I don't have a truck, and I'm probably going to have to move during the week when most people are working. And I feel overwhelmed and don't know where to start. Ugh...I'm sure it will all turn out ok though.

I've kind of been feeling jealous and resentful toward a certain person lately, and my stress is making it flare up even more. I'm not sure why I can't just let it go. It's not a person that really matters...it's just an acquaintance, not even a friend. The funny thing is that this person probably has no idea that I'm feeling resentful toward him. And if he did, he would think it was weird, since we don't even really have a relationship other than talking a bit here and there. If it were a friend I wouldn't have any problem talking to them about it. But I don't really feel comfortable doing that with this person. On the other hand, I need to do something, because right now it's just festering and bringing me down. Any suggestions?

Holy Positiveness, Batman!

2010-03-21T20:50:00.002-06:00

This is more of a journal post; skip over it if you don't care about my life....hahaha that sounds alot more harsh than I meant it to...

This week was pretty blah, and I started the weekend expecting boredom and loneliness, since I'm generally a planner and I had no plans. It actually turned out to be a really good weekend, though. Thursday night I hung out with my crush/friend, snuggled during a movie, snuggled during the night without doing anything we shouldn't, and then I made him pancakes for breakfast and we hung out a bit more before going our separate ways.

Saturday morning one of my future housemates and I went looking at houses, and we found one that both of us really like. The landlord seemed to like us, so hopefully it will all work out. We're cutting it kind of close (I have to be out of my current place in a week and a half!) but I'm starting to feel excited and not so stressed.

Saturday night I expected to spend alone, but I figured I would bug my friend/crush and see what he was up to. I didn't want to monopolize his time, since I had just seen him, but he was just at home doing homework so I asked him if he wanted a food break. To my surprise he said yes (usually he'll say something like David it's too far for you to drive, David you don't have money to be buying me food, blah blah blah) so we ate pizza and ended up watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show. No cuddling or spending the night this time, but we both (I think) had fun.

Which brings me to a little bit of confusion. I've known this guy for awhile and he knows I have a crush on him, and that I count him as a really good friend and have mostly given up on anything more with him. He's a really good guy and wouldn't deliberately use me or set out to hurt me. He was pretty clear with me a few months ago (7 I think?) that we are just friends. So I'm not expecting or even hoping for anything from him. BUT...I'm sort of confused. I know people have different views on cuddling...for some it's just something to do with friends and it doesn't mean anything. For others (like me) cuddling is something special and intimate, and I generally only do it with someone I really like. And I definitely don't share my bed with just anyone (friends can sleep on the couch or the floor) and on the off-chance that I did share with a friend, he would be on his side and I would be on mine. No cuddling or rubbing (appropriate body parts) most of the night. No squishing into a twin bed. One wise friend, when I asked him to opine on wth he thought was going on in this guy's head, replied "That's a territory I'm not gonna explore.... And you shouldn't either. You should just go with it and not read into it." Which is pretty much what I'm doing...like I said, not expecting or hoping for anything. But you cuddle whores out there (or anyone else who is better at me than reading signals from confusing guys, which is pretty much everyone) is there such a thing as "just" friendly cuddling in a tiny bed all night long? Does it not mean much of anything?

P.S. -- Maybe my friend/crush is just an idiot...who the f wouldn't fall for a guy that made him pancakes in the morning??!?!?! I sure would!! :D

Book Review -- What They Always Tell Us by Martin Wilson

2010-03-16T16:39:00.000-06:00

Even though I'm a grown-up, I love teen fiction. They are usually quick easy reads, but present fresh voices and viewpoints on current topics. What They Always Tell Us by Martin Wilson is no different. I'm sure I put this book on my "to read" list because it was a teen fiction book with a gay theme. However, when I picked it up at the library, I had honestly forgotten what it was about and why I had gotten it. The book is written by two narrators, James and Alex, who are brothers and high school students. James is a senior and waiting for a college acceptance letter to Duke, and Alex is a junior who recently drank Pine-Sol at a party (a suicide attempt?) and has now lost all his friends and withdrawn from everyone. The book deals with Alex's coming out to himself and later to James, and the role that James' friend Nathen plays in it. There are other subplots, such as James's relationships with girls and friends, and a strange boy that lives across the street whose history is somewhat of a mystery. The book was kind of a combination of The Perks of Being a Wallflower (which I reviewed here) and Boy Meets Boy (which I haven't reviewed but is a very good book) by focusing on a social-misfit kid with a (spoiler alert from here on out) fairy-tale ending.

This book was very realistic (in the things Alex had to deal with as a (suspected) gay teen, and the way people reacted to him) but, for me, at least, was a fantasy as well. I loved (and was jealous of, at the same time) the relationship between Nathen and Alex -- how Nathen took Alex under his wing, saw what he was good at, built on his strengths, and encouraged him to be the best person he could. I love how Alex found Nathen at just the right time, when he needed someone the most, and thrived with his support. It made me long to find my Nathen -- someone who genuinely cares about me as a person and makes me want to be better. It also made me long to be someone else's Nathen -- find someone that truly needs me and that I can help grow and thrive. So far, guys like that don't exist.

This is not a work of great literature or a deep analysis of what it means to be gay. The writing is not outstanding (in fact, the third-person present-tense gets annoying sometimes) and it's not going to be at the top of the list of good gay teen fiction. But the characters were well-developed and I felt drawn to Alex, Nathen, James, and the other minor characters. Oh, and the shower scene was definitely hot! It is a good story and I want to see more of these characters...not all the loose ends were tied up, and I want to see what happens when Alex comes out to his parents and how he deals with Nathen going away to college. I recommend this book as a quick entertainment read.

A bunch of stuff

2010-03-13T23:44:00.000-07:00

I have alot of things bouncing around in my head right now. This week has been generally blah, but not for any specific reason.

Last weekend, with all I could have done, I ended up doing only one thing...hanging out with one (gay but non-moho) friend. I'm kind of taking a moho break, I think. Not on purpose, but now that I think about it, that's what I'm doing. I'm over the two moho crushes I had, mostly because they turned out to be not who I thought they were and really didn't make any effort to get to know me. I'm avoiding moho activities (again, not on purpose) just because I'm a bit disenchanted, I guess. I feel like I'm too old for the college/BYU crowd but too young for the older guy crowd (if there is such a thing). This paragraph sounds kind of whiny, but I don't mean it that way. I'm fine with it...I'm just accepting reality. On the other hand, though, the moho scene has proven to be the best way to meet new friends, so I doubt my break will be very long.

But hanging out with my friend was awesome. We just hung out and watched a movie, made an appearance at a "no-pants party", went back to his place, and then went to track down his drunk roommate after the previously-mentioned party apparently got busted (and who I was mad at for interrupting our cuddling!)

I'm stressed about my living situation. I need to change it to save money. My contract is up at the end of the month, and I've already given notice that I'm leaving. One option would be to get a 1-bedroom apartment by myself (which doesn't sound like a money-saver, but it would be). Another option, which is what I want, is to get a 4-bedroom house with 3 other mohos. We've looked at some places, but I don't know if things are going to come together by the end of the month. I won't be homeless if that doesn't happen, but I will need to get creative about what to do with my stuff. And I HATE moving...I don't want to have to move out of here, store my stuff somewhere, live in a temporary location for a bit, and then move again. But it would be fun to live with 3 low-maintenance guys.

This weekend was not too exciting either...I've mostly just hung out with my new best friend Redbox, because my closest friends have been busy with other things, and I haven't made the effort to look for a date or ask other people if they want to hang out. Kind of like taking a break from the moho scene, I'm taking a break from people in general. I'm done with wishy-washiness, excuses, and lots of work for not much benefit. I don't really want to make any new friends because it's too much work. I realized that I haven't been looking for people to date either, and don't really want to. Why bother? That sounds kind of cynical, but that's my mood right now. I'm just focusing on the friends I have and maybe trying to get closer to friends that aren't close friends yet. But Friday night I hung out with family, and tonight I was on my own. And I didn't mind at all.

Thursday though...pure awesomeness. On the spur of the moment I decided to take a friend some food (same friend from last weekend) at work. Disclosure: this is a friend I've been crushing on since I've known him, for about a year and a half. He knows it but doesn't want a relationship. I've resigned myself to the fact that it's doubtful we'll ever be more than just friends. If I said I'm over him I would be lying, but lately I've come to love him more as a best friend or brother than a potential mate. But dang....I really do love him. Anyway, he told me to wait for him to get off work, so I just hung out at his apt while he finished and then we watched a movie. We cuddled a bit, and by the time the movie got over it was way too late to drive home. So he told me to sleep over, and we pretty much just cuddled the rest of the night as we slept. The awesome thing, though, is that it didn't go any farther than that. Nothing at all to regret. I was in heaven. Ugh....if only he would recognize that I'm the one for him....

So I guess to sum up, I'm cynical but generally content in being anti-people for the moment.

I don't get many comments on my blog lately. Is it because I'm too negative and people don't know what to say? I always appreciate constructive criticism or tactful feedback. I don't want to be a comment whore or blog just to feel validated by people's comments though.

The birds and the bees / When it rains it pours

2010-03-05T17:21:00.001-07:00

This week i get to go to a "maturation program" with my kiddo. One memory that stands out from my childhood is when i had mine, i think in the 5th grade. Parents were invited of course, and while the girls had their program the boys got a long recess. We were all nervous about what we were going to learn. Sex (and even puberty) werent talked about in my family, so the little i knew came from more knowlegeable kids. Anyway, when it was our turn we went into the room and my dad was already in there, so i sat next to him. He didnt really say too much, and i'm sure he was as nervous as i was. We watched a movie and had the program, and it really wasnt very memorable. What stood out though, was when it was done, my dad just said bye and went home...no discussion, no asking what i thought, etc. I was left to digest the information on my own. It kind of sent the message that sex is not something we talk about, and that probably had alot to do with me hiding my gayness and never coming out to them as a teen. It wasnt to be talked about, so i was left to struggle on my own. I dont want to make the same mistake with my kids. We've never had "the discussion" but i've tried to be open and let them know that its nothing to be embarrased about.

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If youre a regular reader, you know i tend to get down and lonely when i have nothing to do or no one to hang out with, especially on the weekend. Well this weekend i've had about 6 invitations to go do various things. (I also extended one invitation and was shot down). So i have plenty to do to keep myself busy, but silly me still finds a way to feel bad. Ive had to turn down most of the invitations because they conflict with each other or because of family obligations. So i dwell on the fun that im missing out on, i somewhat resent the obligations i have and wish things were more flexible, and i worry that people will tire of inviting me to things because i turn them down. I think about how i feel when i get turned down and figure everyone else feels the same way. And even if they dont get tired or hurt, it makes me more invisible like i talked about in my last post, and they forget to invite me the next time. I mentioned this to one friend that i had to turn down, and his response was "true dat." Not very comforting :(

Usually I Like Myself, But Right Now I Don't

2010-03-03T08:47:00.000-07:00

Meh...another kind of pity-party post...I would advise everyone to skip over it since it's mostly just my way of getting my feelings out. I'm not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me.
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I feel lonely. Lately I've gotten used to being more social and trying to put myself out there. I like it. I enjoy going to parties and meeting new people. I actually even enjoy the small talk and sharing information when getting to know someone. The thing is though, it generally doesn't go any farther than that. I meet them, we become facebook friends, and that's that. I don't know what it is about me, but people don't generally want to text or chat, let alone hang out with me, after we meet. It's not an "eww he's weird" type of thing; I don't believe that people actually dislike or avoid me, but it's more like I become invisible. It's like I have a forgettable personality, and when it comes time for hanging out or doing things to develop a friendship I get forgotten. Sometimes reaching out and making an effort works -- I definitely have a few close friends, and others that are becoming closer. I suppose I should be happy with that. But it sucks reaching out to people and getting rejected. Actually, it's not rejection that hurts...with rejection, I have a clear picture of where I stand. And that rarely happens anyway. What hurts more is indifference. And it seems like I get that alot.
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I went to a party on Saturday, and it was the type of party that I usually enjoy. I was feeling extra introverted though, not depressed or antisocial, just introverted -- I hadn't really had time to recharge my social batteries that weekend by having some alone time, and it was showing. Things were getting to me that wouldn't usually bother me...loudness, hugs with everyone, the initial awkwardness of meeting someone new, etc. I was just emotionally spent and didn't want to make the effort that I usually make at parties. I had a good time seeing and talking to people that I already knew, like J and M and B and MW and MR, but after that I just felt spent and went off to sit by myself...again, not because I was feeling down or looking for attention, I just felt emotionally tired. I guess I did feel a little bit down though...there were a couple of people there that I had met before was interested in being friends with, but (as I described above) when I reached out to them, invited them to hang out, etc., I was met with indifference. So that made me not want to make any more effort with them, or make an effort to meet new people. One of them came up and started talking to me, though, which made me happy and helped me relax. So maybe there's hope with him, at least. I felt invisible to the other one, though. Ugh, I hate being socially awkward and not knowing what to do about it.

Being gay: First crushes

2010-02-28T14:51:00.000-07:00

This is part 4 of my coming out story; part 1 is here and part 2 is here. Part 3 hasn't been written yet; I don't feel ready for it. It will be a hard post to write.
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For the purposes of this post I'm defining "first crushes" to mean the drushes I had on guys after starting the process of ending my denial, if that makes any sense. I had other crushes previously, but knew they would never go beyond that, and the crush would never find out. I'm writing about "crushes" rather than "crush", because it's hard to define what exactly a crush consists of...anyway, it will be come clearer as I write. Oh, and this post will count for the February Moho Blogger Theme.
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First was Raul. I found his email address on some penpal website, and I was lonely and decided to email him. I don't remember if I knew at the time that he was gay, I might have found out later. Anyway, he was a few years younger and living in Canada at the time, but his family was from Panama. We emailed and IM'd and got to know each other pretty well. We might have called each other a few times too, but I don't remember. He gave me support that I needed and I gave him support too. I would always look forward to getting home from school and getting on the computer to talk to him. I was definitely crushing on him...I don't remember if I told him or not though. It took awhile for us to be able to meet in person, since he was in Canada and Panama and I was in Washington and Utah. One time we both happened to be in Puerto Rico at the same time, but I was too scared to meet him. Our first in-person meeting finally happened when he was in Utah visiting his sister and I was there visiting family. I remember being very nervous, but ended up glad that I had gone through with it. He and I are still friends and see each other occasionally.

Second was David. I would define him as a crush, but definitely not a relationship. In fact, we never even talked in person, all our communication was online. I "met" him through another online friend, and both of us were in similar situations...barely out to ourselves, hiding it from others, etc. We decided to be "boyfriends", but he never wanted to go beyond talking online. I don't even want to consider that he very well might have been someone other than who he said he was...I was young and naive. I definitely had feelings for who I thought he was, but we eventually drifted apart and stopped talking. I have no idea where he is now.

Third was Lino. He was a significant turning point in my process of coming out. We met on myspace (back when myspace was still cool, of course!) and talked on there, and then started talking by phone almost every day. I was very attracted to the fact that he was completely out and had no problems with it. He and I shared very personal information with each other, and it was obvious that I was falling for him hard. We couldn't meet in person, since he lived several thousand miles away. But we always talked and I felt very close to him. Unfortunately, I became very emotionally attached to him and was happy only when I talked to him. This was one of the factors involved in me becoming very depressed and realizing that (to make a long story short) I had to either come out, go crazy, or die. (I'm still here and mostly sane, so obviously I chose to come out). Anyway...the stiuation came about that he needed help moving from New Mexico to Dallas, and we decided that I would go down there and help him out and we could meet. It was definitely an interesting trip, in which I had many adventures and gained some very good memories. However, the trip also turned out to be a disaster in many ways. Long story short, I realized that he and I would never work and I was not mature enough for a relationship with a guy anyway. I don't regret the trip because of the experiences it gave me, both good and bad. Shortly afterward, he and I fought and stopped talking. I found out that a short time later he was involved in a drunk driving accident in which he killed another driver. He and I have talked occasionally since then, just on facebook or IM, but neither of us are really interested in maintaining a friendship and both of us have moved on.

Fourth was Peter. He and I also met on myspace, and our first date was to see a movie. We both liked each other and started spending more and more time together. We decided to become boyfriends. All my memories of Peter are good...and sometimes I regret ending things with him (life took me geographically elsewhere, and we broke up). He is a very kind and caring person, being with him made me realize that up until that point I didn't really know what it meant to love someone (which sounds very cheesy, and extrememly sad given my life situation). We still consider ourselves to be friends; I have his number in my phone and we're both friends on facebook. We don't talk all that often as we have both moved on with our lives, but we're still friends.
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And that's it for post-coming-out-to-myself, pre-coming-out-to-other-people crushes. Not sure where my coming out series will go from here, but it will go somewhere.

Being gay: Doing the Right Thing

2010-02-24T23:42:00.000-07:00

Part 2 of my coming out story; part 1 is here.

After high school I tried to do all the things a good Mormon boy should do, and figured that if I did them I wouldn't have to worry too much about my gay feelings escaping. I didn't know any other gay people, and didn't really try to seek any out, and didn't really feel too conflicted...I was confident that I could handle my attractions and they weren't a big deal. I went to BYU for a semester (my memories of that semester are of being very lonely), put in my mission papers, and left for the MTC shortly after the semester ended. I was pretty nervous but excited at the same time. I had a huge crush on my MTC companion (probably because this was my first time being so close to another guy) and on a few other companions, members, and potential investigators. But I put my heart into the work, and even though I was somewhat anti-authority I loved the people I worked with. It's trite to say, but my mission had a huge impact on my life and shaped my interests and goals and the direction my life would take.

After the mission, back to BYU. It was an ok experience, but I was still pretty anti-authority and liberal toward the church in general. Again, I didn't meet any other gay BYU students; I just figured it was my struggle to deal with. I didn't have any crushes on roommates and didn't do anything that I shouldn't have, other than a bit of porn here and there. I did have a crush on my best friend, though, but never did anything about it. Thinking back, though, I wonder if he was gay too. I've lost contact with him and wonder about him alot.

Toward the middle of my senior year I started panicking. I was almost done with BYU and hadn't done the most important "right thing" that BYU students should do. I was going to go off to graduate school and I didn't want to go alone. So I did what normal BYU students do - start dating. Which led me to get more anxious about my "gay side." I wish I had been more in tune with my feelings then, and I wish I had had support from others in my situation and known that I wasn't alone. I wish I had had the courage to stand up for myself and realize that what I was doing was wrong. I'm not talking about being gay or acting on it...I'm talking about being so in denial and not realizing that I was setting out on a course that would ultimately nearly destroy two lives and seriously affect three others. I wish I hadn't given in so quickly to the chorus of voices around me from friends, roommates, family members, parents, and church leaders pressuring me to do the "right thing" and get married. "We want grandchildren," the voices said; "why haven't you gotten married yet?" asked others. But the leaders I talked to and the church literature I read convinced me that it was the right thing, and that it would cure me of my gay feelings. I wish I had put more trust in God and asked him instead.

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This is a fairly pessimistic, even selfish post...I am ashamed of the hurt I have caused due to not being stronger and standing up for myself. But the next post will be even more so.

Being gay: Background

2010-02-21T20:29:00.000-07:00

I've never really written my coming out story down, so I think I will outline my story in a series of posts. I'm probably going to leave out alot of the gory details; I'm not a strong person and I've done a few things that I wish I hadn't. But anyway, here goes.

When did I first realize I was gay? Honestly, I think I knew I liked other boys before I even knew what gay was. One time in third or fourth grade a friend brought a Playgirl magazine to school that he borrowed from his mom and I remember being very interested in what was in there. I also remember being in kindergarten or first grade and seeing a same-age girl changing out of her swimming suit and not being interested at all. I remember looking at my dad's anatomy books and looking for the male figures but skipping the female ones. In junior high I had a few crushes on girls, but it was mostly due to wanting to fit in. My hormones never got going with them and I never wanted to do anything physical. On the other hand, the highlight of the school day was showering after gym class and sneaking peeks at the other boys. However, I never did any "experimenting" with anyone, boys or girls...no kissing girls, no crazy scout camps, etc. My first kiss, if you could call it that, was a goodnight peck on the lips with my junior prom date. In high school I knew I wasn't really interested in girls, but no other guys were "out" -- probably partly because it was a conservative Mormon area, and partly because being gay in high school was alot less accepted then than it is now. My only gay "experience" was at a cast party after a play, and a boy who everyone suspected was dancing around in his underwear and put his crotch in my face. I acted grossed out and disgusted, but in my mind I wanted to go in the other room alone with him and see what happened. Once I turned 18, when I was a senior, I would go to the magazine shops downtown and look at the gay porn magazines...it gave me such a rush but it also made me feel incredibly guilty. And one time an older guy kept smiling at me and followed me outside. He scared the crap out of me and put an end to the magazine stores. I never felt particularly conflicted about my gay thoughts...I always just figured I would keep them at the back of my mind and not let them out, and live a normal life.

Rules for hanging out with David

2010-02-19T13:40:00.000-07:00

If these rules are too demanding or high maintenance, let me know in the comments. Or suggest additional rules if you want.

1. If I ask you out on a date or something that you might think is a date, and you aren't interested in me that way, just let me know (gently but straightforwardly). It might hurt my feelings at first, but I promise I'll get over it. And it's better than giving me excuses and keeping me wondering what's going on...that's even worse.

2. If we're new friends or I'm just trying to get to know you better, and I invite you to hang out, don't make excuses if you don't want to go. Especially the "I'm busy" excuse. Just be honest with me. If you'd rather text or email or talk more first, tell me. If you think I'm too dorky, tell me. If you really are busy, let me know you're not just blowing me off and suggest another time to hang out.

3. If we're already friends, don't make me do all the inviting. Text me before I text you sometimes. Let me know what's going on with you, because I'm interested in you. Show me that you're interested in me (most of my friends are good at this, thank goodness).

Fun and Being More Positive

2010-02-17T10:56:00.000-07:00

I, like most people, enjoy having fun and being around other people. I can be really dumb though, and after I've had a fun few days I tend to miss people and feel down and want more and get needy. So I decided, when I start feeling like that, to think about the good times I've had with them rather than focus on the fact that I'm alone. So I'm going to just write a bit about the things I did that made this past weekend fun -- it will be more of a personal journal entry rather than a self-analysis or something that will help other people...but hey, it's my blog and I want to write it down so that I'll remember it, and this blog could use a bit more positive stuff anyway. Most of the people I do things with (lately) read my blog, and other readers know the people I hang out with. So I'm not going to write anything scandalous (darn!) and I'll just use initials to make it semi-confidential.

So Thursday night I had a rare free evening without family obligations that I didn't want to waste at home. I decided to head down to Provo to hang out with S, and we invited B1 to come along with us but he couldn't because he had to study for a midterm. We (unintentionally) celebrated Chinese New Year by eating at a Chinese buffet restaurant and then watched Mulan at S's place. I hadn't seen it before and S has wanted to watch it with me for awhile. And I ended up liking it. All in all, a good evening. I like hanging out with S!

Friday night was the previously-blogged-about party at B2's parent's house. Good times!

Saturday - boring. Wanted to go to a drag show produced by R and put on by the Weber State GSA, but family obligations took precedence, as they should.

Sunday - another rare occurrence, a free Sunday morning (well, I could have chosen to attend Stake Conference, but deferred the opportunity). My friend M invited me to have brunch with him and his bf, so I went up to Ogden for that. The food was ok, the company was spectacular, and we enjoyed playing Super Mario Wii afterward until M's bf had to go to work. I don't hang out with M nearly enough, so I appreciated the invitation and had a fun time. On the way home I stopped to say hi to R (just briefly, since he was working) and talked for a bit, saw a car accident happen, and planned to meet later in the week to do some school stuff. I love seeing R!

Monday - off work, but semi-boring.

Tuesday - took a few hours off to go up to Weber to hang out with R and help him with some school stuff. Did that, then ate lunch with him and a couple of his fraternity brothers (one of whom is straight but very cute...I should look into dark haired Russian boys lol). Ran some errands with him, including going to a few craft stores looking for rainbow ribbon...haha! Nothing too exciting, but I'm easy to please. I just like being with friends, and specifically R...even if we don't do much besides run errands, I'm happy :)

Fun night

2010-02-13T08:30:00.001-07:00

Last night I went to a party sponsored by a recently-out moho at his parents' house. When i first got the invite I was really excited, because I had only talked with him briefly at a previous party and the invite made me feel wanted. But then yesterday before the party I started feeling really anxious for some reason and briefly considered not going and spending the evening hiding under a rock instead. But I had promised a friend I would go, so I did, and on the way I told myself that after the party I would probably feel really silly for not wanting to go. And indeed, that is what happened. When i got there i kind of hung back talking to friends that i knew, not wanting to really get out of my comfort zone. But every party i have gone to has been a good experience and I always meet new people. So when my friend introduced me to this really cute boy that didnt know anyone else there, i figured what the heck and decided to just practice my social skills and see where things went. He was kind of shy too, so immediately we had something in common. He turned out to be a fascinating person, and I was glad I had taken the risk to get to know him. I didnt really have too much trouble making small talk or coming up with things to say, which was refreshing. I think we clicked, and hopefully it will be the start of a new friendship :)

Liking What I Like: Part 2

2010-02-12T16:31:00.000-07:00

Wow two posts in one day...I'm thinking way too much (the previous one is here). Sometimes I think I'm way too picky about what I want in a guy, and I need to expand my horizons. It's not that I have a set criteria that a guy HAS to match for me to like him, and I don't think I want to have one. I generally know what I would like in a guy though...likes/wants kids, has a spiritual background, preferably doesn't drink and definitely doesn't smoke, and is a hard worker whether it be in a job or in school. I also know what I'm generally attracted to...guys younger than me, and guys of a different ethnic/racial background than me. Not sure why that is, but it just is. Age and race aren't deal breakers for me though. And none of it matters when it comes to making friends.

The thing is, it seems like guys that match both my physical attractions and non-physical likes are few and far between. And when I find one that matches all of them, I tend to fall hard, since I don't find them very often. And since they are so rare, I idolize them and think they are the perfect guy. I try not to communicate any of that to them, though, since I don't want to scare them away. But generally, they don't find their likes and attractions in me...they like and are attracted to something else. And since I'm a sensitive guy, it hurts for awhile. It's not their fault that their wants don't match mine, theirs "just are" just like mine are. But it makes me wonder if there are any guys at all out there for me, or any guy that I'M the perfect person for, since this semi-rejection happens again and again and again. People tell me I'm such a good guy, that I'll find "the one" sometime, but maybe it's time to give up and focus on reality...be satisfied with good friends (and the ones that I have are definitely good) and give up hope for someone that likes me as more than a friend. I don't really see my likes/attractions changing too much, so I shouldn't expect that others should change theirs either.

Birth order and why I like what I like

2010-02-12T12:08:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a friend this morning who I joke with that our brains are twins because we tend to think about and react to things in a pretty similar way. He and I both happen to be the oldest child in our families, and we both tend to like guys younger than us. His therapist suggested to him that the reason he likes younger guys is because of social constructs -- he was raised to fill the role of the man, and generally in male-female relationships the male is older. I hadn't reallly thought about that before, but I took it a step further -- I wondered how being the oldest child in the family contributes to that. In my family I was raised to be a role model and example to the younger children, and I didn't have any older siblings to look up to. I also had the responsibility to look out for them and take care of them. Maybe this causes me to naturally gravitate toward younger guys and want to be in the role of mentor and caretaker. I've always thought it was more because of low self esteem, though -- I relate more to younger guys because I lack confidence around people my age or older. I think I tend to act younger also. Anyway, my friend mentioned that that could be true (that as the oldest child we gravitate toward younger guys) and that most of the guys he has liked have also been the youngest in their families. And it surprised me to realize that that was true for me too. My first crush was an only child, my first and only and very brief boyfriend was an only child, my second crush is the youngest in his family, and the guys I'm kind of interested in right now are also the youngest in their families. Many of my gay friends are also the youngest. Why is that?? Research has shown that there is a higher likelihood for a person to be gay for every older brother that he has. So is it just that there are alot more gay people that are the youngest in their families? Or do me and my friend go for younger guys because that's what we are socialized to do? And now my sociologist mind is thinking even more...I wonder, since me and my friend both beat the odds and were born gay without having older brothers, would that affect how "gay" we are on the Kinsey scale? Are we "more gay" than a gay man with 7 older brothers? Hehehe...just things to think about. Comment and let me know what you think. Time to go clean the kitchen :)

Blogs Make Me Sad

2010-02-09T16:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I read other people's blogs I come away inspired by their strength and courage. I read blogs to know I'm not alone in my struggles, get to know people who are going through the same things I am, and (now) to keep up with people I've met in person. Lately, though, reading blogs just makes me sad. Maybe it's because I'm just going through a pessimistic week, or maybe it's because I'm all cared out, using my caring with real-life friends that are struggling. Maybe it's just because I'm such an empathetic person -- I feel what other people are feeling and want to help relieve their pain, but when I take on too much I can't deal with it. I hate seeing people struggle with being gay. I hate reading about mixed orientation marriages that are failing. I hate reading about people being rejected my family members. I hate reading about people's struggles to accept themselves, struggles with the church, struggles with maintaining their sanity. Sometimes (yes, I can be a horrible person) I even hate reading about people that are happy, wondering when will it be my turn. I hate thinking that people who read my blog get sad with my struggles. I hate that as mohos we have to struggle so much. I'm tired, and just want everyone to be happy. I realize that struggling helps us become stronger, eventually, but dang....

But I'll keep reading and writing. I love the moho friendships I've made, and I'll keep giving everything I have to help my friends that are struggling. I love meeting new people through their blogs and through real-live moho events such as Scott and Sarah's parties (they are literally a life saver). I think moho blogs, by their nature, are somewhat negative (I know mine is) and it's nice to meet people in person to get a more complete picture of them. Anyway, not sure what brought this on, but such is life.

Things That Must Go

2010-02-08T10:38:00.000-07:00

Time for a rant post...I'm not overly down or irritated lately, but I do feel kind of unfocused in general and wish life were moving a little faster toward something good. So in the spirit of my favorite morning radio show, here's a list of things that must go:

Jealousy. It's my downfall. I handle it a lot better now than I have in the past, but it eats at me and makes me bitter and gets the negative thoughts going in my head. If I could have God remove from me either being gay or being jealous, I would definitely pick being jealous. I hate it, but don't know how to stop it sometimes. It's likely a side effect of low self esteem.
Being jealous when friends make new friends.
Being jealous of people that have lots of friends and always have something fun going on.
Being jealous of not getting invited to things, or feeling bad about not being able to go to things I do get invited to because of other obligations.
Random mood swings.
Crushes. I always seem to crush on the wrong guys. Ones that are too busy, ones that don't want a relationship, ones that are newly out and not sure what they want. Ones that don't appreciate me for who I am. And then I get hurt and feel down and question my self worth.
PDA between gay guys, and gay guys that get offended when other people don't like their PDA (that could go for straight people too, though.) Just get a room.
Friends that don't open up emotionally, reject offers of support, don't let me know I matter, don't text me if I don't text them first, and don't make time for me.
Potential friends that are too shy to recognize that I'm extending my hand to them, or too guarded for it to go anywhere. And me feeling hurt by it.
Superficial people that don't recognize (or worse, don't care) when people want to be friends with them. So many of these in the gay world.
Friends that disappear, and then come back expecting things to be the same as they were before. I don't hold grudges, but wounds can form scars that take time to adjust to.
Friends that, when I invite them to do something and they can't, don't suggest another activity at another time.
Guys that don't recognize that I'm the perfect guy for them, even though I'm funny looking and slightly (just a tiny bit, we're not talking decades!!) older.
Me being too sensitive.
The entire Utah state legislature. Or closed-minded people in general.
Cold weather.
My ghettolicious car.

Ok. Rant over.

Guess what? I'm gay!

2010-02-07T21:42:00.000-07:00

I'm copying FLeeS and took the Klein Grid assessment, which is an assessment of sexual attraction, kind of like the Kinsey scale. No surprise!

Kids

2010-01-31T14:21:00.001-07:00

I had an awesome time at Scott and Sarah's party last night! I got to see friends and meet my blogger friend Boskers...he seemed like a really neat guy, so hopefully we can be friends in real life too :)

Something that a couple of people mentioned is that i dont talk about my kids in my blog. Some people wonder if i want to keep them a secret and shouldnt tell other people about them. Other people are surprised when they find out about them and ask if they are my "real" kids.

So yes, I'm a proud dad of 3 kids. I think that almost all my real-life moho friends know this, its not a secret. Some of my friends have even met them. They are what keeps me going when i am down, and much of the reason i am still around to write this. How did this come about, you ask? Well, the quick and dirty version is that i got off my mission believing that if I followed the commandments and did everything that was expected of me, I could manage my gay feelings or even have them taken from me. Long story short, it didnt work out that way. So me and their mom are no longer together, but we are (usually) on good terms with each other. The kiddos sleep at my house 3 nights a week, but i see them almost every day. I don't regret trying to follow the right path and having my kids, but i do regret seriously messing with someone else's life (their mom) and depriving 3 more of being raised in a 2-parent home.

Why dont I talk about them much? I guess because this blog is about me and whats going on in my head, and i want to shield them from the internal drama that is David. I'm generally a private person anyway, and since I don't know who all reads this and it will be on the internet forever, I want to keep them out of the "public eye".

I also dont usually talk about them with people i have just met. I feel like talking about them is kind of a reverse coming-out, telling my story about how a gay guy has kids, and its not something to share with relative strangers, especially if i havent assessed their creepiness level yet. Most people are very cool with it, especially mohos who understand the importance of family. One of my requirements for my future Prince Charming is, of course, he has to love children and be willing to love mine as his own.

So that's my story.

Things

2010-01-24T15:49:00.001-07:00

Alot of us mohos feel stuck between being gay and being in the church -- we feel like we have to pick one and leave the other behind. We can either follow the commandment to not be gay (for simplicity's sake, that's how I'll word it) or the commandment to have joy and have a happy family (albeit with two dads!)...but either way we have to choose between two conflicting things. But today in church I had a thought...this isn't the only time anyone has had to choose between two commandments that conflict with each other. We were talking about the Fall of Adam and how Adam and Eve had to choose between obedience (not eating the fruit) or disobedience (eating the fruit) to be able to obey another commandment (multiply and replenish the earth). Or how about Nephi, when he had to choose between "thou shalt not kill" or "it is better for one man to perish than an entire nation to dwindle in unbelief" or however it goes. I'm sure I'm teaching false doctrine here, but it seems to me that there are times when certain commandments apply to some people but not others, or when certain commandments have to be disobeyed to follow more important ones. Couldn't that be applied to gay Mormons that want a loving monogamous relationship??

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The Elders Quorum lesson was on a talk from Elder Bednar (I think!) from the last conference (I think! see how much I pay attention in church) that focused on being better family members. One of his points was that we should tell those we are close to that we love them more often. Most of the time our loved ones know we love them, but it is important for them to hear it from us too. The same goes for close friends too, though...it makes me feel really good when a close friend tells me he loves me and how much he means to me. So I'm going to try to do more of that :)

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So I talked to my friend. Didn't really go anywhere. It's hard to communicate with him and figure out what's going on inside his head. So frustrating.

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A good number of people read, skim, or at least look at my blog. But I don't know who you most of you are! I don't always leave comments on the blogs I read, so I'm not asking everyone to leave a comment, but let me know who you are somehow! My email address is on my blogger profile, my twitter is in the sidebar, and if you know me personally you're probably my facebook friend. Whether you're out or in, friend or foe, moho or just somebody's mom, say hi or ask me a question that i can answer in another blog post!

Grrrrrr...rawrrrr!!!

2010-01-22T12:31:00.000-07:00

Here I am, probably overthinking things as usual. But I read this post by Listen To Who I Am and it really got me thinking. I especially liked his last paragraph:

I’ve found that my most rewarding and enriching relationships are those where, instead of trying to settle into a defined role, I allow the relationship to remain suspended in the unknown. I allow the other person to be. I let them define who they want to be and how they want to interact with me. I also try not to assign meaning to shifting and evolving relationships. During times of shifting, the temptation might be to more rigidly adhere to our unwritten rules of relationships as a desperate attempt to hold on to what we think is slipping away. As a result, we unwittingly limit where the relationship can go and the ways that it can teach and feed us.

I think that's a very positive way to approach things, and I'm going to start using it. I've got this friend that I'm currently struggling with -- at least I think I am, but it also is very possible that it's only me that's struggling and he has no idea. I'm kind of a Holden Caulfield sometimes, in that a lot goes on inside my head and I don't necessarily interpret things the way other people do...I read too much into things, or overreact, or underreact, or miss social cues, etc. Lol I don't want to make myself sound as crazy as Holden, but I always try to look at things from a few different viewpoints and interpret things a few different ways to make sure I'm not locking myself into one wrong interpretation. This serves me well sometimes -- for example, if someone is rude to me I can dismiss it pretty easily and tell myself they don't matter or they don't really mean it, or I can stay calm in stressful situations and not let panic set in. But it also causes me to think way too much sometimes and have too much analysis and not enough action. Or I just confuse myself and not know what to think or do.

Anyway, back to my friend, and the above quote. I guess I've assigned him the role of "best friend" and I've expected him to act the way I think a best friend should act...i.e. talking to me every day, hanging out with me fairly regularly, opening up to me about his struggles and the details of his life. And then when he doesn't I overthink things. My first instinct is to think "well I guess he just doesn't want to be friends, or as good friends as I want to be." And then I feel sad and depressed, and try to look at it from another viewpoint: "I'm overreacting, he's just very busy with school and work and other friends, and by feeling bad I'm being too possessive, and that's bad...chill out, David." But then I continue to think, and tell myself "well what if I'm just trying to excuse his behavior and I'm missing important social cues, and he actually doesn't really want to be good friends, so I should just move on and save myself the pain." And on and on it goes, and I end up either keeping my feelings to myself and gettting mad or sad, or I overreact and say stupid things and act like a victim and blah blah blah. Ugh.

So....what to do. We haven't talked for a week or so, and we usually talk every day. I'm waiting for him to initiate contact, but he hasn't. Which, if I let it, could lead to a whole 'nother round of overthinking. So...advantages of contacting him: it would show that I'm not stubborn, it would keep a friendship from drifting away, it would (maybe) get my needs met by making me feel good by hearing from him, it would let him know I'm there for him even though he's very busy. Disadvantages of contacting him: it would make me feel like we have a one-sided friendship and reinforce that we don't talk unless it's me that makes contact. It would possibly bring up sad/negative feelings that I've somewhat put behind me having not talked to him lately. Advantages of NOT contacting him: I apply what the quote says...I let him define who he wants to be and how he wants to interact with me. I back off from the rigid role I've assigned him, and just let things evolve. And I focus on new opportunities with others that have recently presented themselves. Disadvantages of NOT contacting him: I'm left in limbo, which is uncomfortable for me. I'm left wondering why. And I'm opening the possibility that the friend will drift away, leaving me sad (although putting energy into a friendship that needs to drift away would be even more frustrating)

What to do, what to do....keep thinking, I guess.

Thanks for listening to my random thoughts. :)

The Meaning of Matthew and The Perks of Being a Wallflower

2010-01-11T22:23:00.000-07:00

I recently read two gay-themed books and I liked both of them. The first was The Meaning of Matthew, a biography of Matthew Shepard written by his mother, Judy Shepard. Before reading the book I knew the basics of Matthew's story, that he was killed in Wyoming because he was gay. The book brought out the details of his life before his murder and outlined how he was killed, what happened at his killers' trials, and what his family did afterward. Matthew wasn't necessarily a role model -- he did things most of us have done at one time or another, like hook up with guys, drink, and not pay enough attention to school. He wasn't very stable either -- he moved from one school to another, had money issues, and suffered from depression. Some people might judge him by saying if he had been more stable and wasn't drinking at a bar he wouldn't have been killed. I bring out these details, though, more to illustrate that he was just a normal 20-something-year-old doing things that most gay men in their twenties do. What happened to Matthew could happen to any of us. Matthew Shepard is by far not the only gay person to experience a hate crime, but his murder got a lot of attention from the media.

One thing I found interesting is the role that three different LDS church members played in Matthew's story. Surprisingly, they were all positive. The first one was either the CEO or the media spokesperson (I can't remember....someone important though) for the hospital that Matthew was taken to after he was beaten, and where he died a few days later. Matthew's mother knew about the LDS church's attitude toward homosexuality and was surprised and reassured by the hospital guy's kindness toward her and her family. He saw past Matthew's sexuality and instead simply saw a boy that had been horribly beaten and a family that was grieving. He provided alot of help to the family in dealing with the media. The second was the grandmother of one of the men that killed Matthew. She was LDS and was known in the town for being a good person. She raised her grandson, who obviously and unfortunately did not follow in his grandmother's footsteps. She was devestated by what her grandson had done, and Matthew's mother saw that her family was not the only one that had been torn apart. They were able to comfort each other. The third was US Senator Gordon Smith, a Republican from Oregon. Matthew's mother worked with him to get an expanded hate crimes bill introduced in Congress. He was one of the few Republicans supported by gay rights groups (although he later supported the Federal Marriage Amendment defining marriage as between a man and a woman).

The second book I read was The Perks of Being a Wallflower, about Charlie, a sophomore in high school who is very smart but suffers from mental illness (or autism?) and has poor social skills. At first I couldn't really get into the story or identify with the main character, but as the book went on I got fairly attached to him, as did the other characters in the story. Charlie isn't gay, but his best friend is and it plays a significant part in the story. Charlie tends to be pretty passive and lets things happen to him. He learns that he needs to speak up for himself and let people know what he wants, rather than going along with things to make other people happy. I think I tend to do this as well -- I don't like to rock the boat or be the center of attention, and I like to nurture and care-take other people. Which means sometimes my own needs don't get met. Charlie also tends to think waaaaayyyy too much. He overanalyzes everything and isn't sure how to react appropriately in certain situations. Kind of like me! He learns that he needs to "participate" in life more rather than simply observing it and analyzing it. Just like Charlie sought out a group of friends, developed relationships with his family members, and participated in social activities, I need to do the same thing. Hopefully my interpersonal skills are a bit better than Charlie's are, but I was able to identify with his experiences.

Two very different books, but both very good and I would recommend them both.

Am I Healthy?

2010-01-07T14:37:00.000-07:00

Well I'm just on a blogging roll lately, aren't I? I read this post that Dichotomy posted and wanted to blog about it while it was fresh in my mind. He did a good job of outlining a number of elements that a gay mormon guy should have as part of a healthy life. I wonder a lot about how healthy I really am. I definitely think my outlook on life could use some changes and I could be alot more positive. But here's how I fit with his criteria.

Honesty with self: I don't know that I've ever had a problem with this one, even when I was in the closet. I always knew exactly what my feelings were and didn't deny them to myself; it was more of a "ignore them and they won't be a problem" type of thing. Coming out to certain people definitely made me more honest though -- now I know that the feelings aren't going away and are simply a part of who I am.

Acceptance: I think I'm ok in this area too. I very strongly believe that God loves me for who I am, simply because I am his son. All the other details will get worked out in the end. Meeting and socializing with other mohos has greatly helped with my self-acceptance. It's awesome to know that you're not the only one dealing with your issues. I don't necessarily consider myself "normal", though, so that's an area to work on. I've accepted my sexuality, so I need to take the next step and love the rest of myself for who I am, quirks and funny looks and all.

Correctly labeled: I'm gay. Period.

Honesty with others: This is an area that could use some work. I'm out to most of my friends, but that's because most of my friends are gay too. I'm out to my parents and one sister, but it's a topic that is never discussed. Supposedly other siblings know, but none of us have ever brought the topic up. I'm not out at work, because my bosses are pretty old-school, but I keep my female coworkers guessing. I'm not out at church either since I moved back to Utah, but that's more because I'm a loner and tend to keep a low profile. I'm not sure what people in leadership positions know; I don't know if my "permanent record" has a big pink GAY stamp on it or not. On the other hand, I don't really care about who knows and who doesn't. I'm not afraid of people finding out. I don't really want to rock the boat at work, but I don't care if the girls know or not. Being out at church wouldn't bother me too much either -- in fact, I think it would be interesting to see people's reactions and if it changed how they treated me. I don't think it would affect my activity level either way. I would LOVE to be more out to my family -- I feel so separated from them, and I think it's mostly my fault. I've built this wall that has gotten taller and thicker as time goes on, because I'm afraid of their rejection. And even though I've come out to some of them, the wall is still there, again I think because of my choosing. Maybe that's a good New Years resolution...let my family get to know the complete me.

On the path to happiness: Fail. Read the rest of my blog. Hehehe...seriously though, I'm not there yet. I know what would make me happy -- a loving fulfilling relationship with a man that has similar morals and beliefs to mine. I've thought I've found him a couple of times, but either it has turned out I was wrong or he didn't share my feelings. But onward, ever onward...

A is to D as D is to J

2010-01-05T17:29:00.000-07:00

So I have a certain friend I'll call J. He's my oldest friend, meaning he's the person I've been friends with the longest out of all the people I regularly or occasionally hang out with. We became friends on the mission...we were never companions but we were in the same district or zone a number of times. We kept in touch after the mission and I even visited him once and met his family. But he moved and I moved and we lost touch for awhile, until both of us ended back up in Utah. He had gotten married and had kids but wasn't too active in the church. But we reestablished our relationship, and he was the first straight friend that I came out to....except then he came out to me. And it turns out he hasn't handled being a closeted married moho too well. Long story short, he's got mental health issues and self-medicates with alcohol. Alot of it, at least on weekends. He can be a hard person to hang out with, and although I can talk him into seeing a movie or going for coffee every once in a while, he usually uses our time together to convince me to go to the bar or club with him, or at least give him a ride. At the beginning I would go with him and watch him get drunk and stupid and make sure he didn't hurt himself, and either give him a ride home or go home by myself after he found a hookup to go home with. Lately I've been distancing myself from him though. I feel bad about it...he has always been there for me no matter what, listening to me cry when I was heartbroken, trying to boost me up when I felt down. And I've been there for him, when his wife kicks him out of the house or when he gets manic or depressed. He's generally a good guy when he's sober...a bit too needy sometimes, but a good guy. He calls alot, way too much sometimes, and gets hurt if I don't answer. We used to talk every day though, even though it was him that did all the calling. We haven't talked since Christmas though, and I haven't picked up the phone to call him. He likes to hang out with me, and I can tell he feels bad when I'm noncommital about making plans with him. He decided at one point that he liked me as more than a friend, and although I was clear with him that I didn't see him that way, he felt hurt and it still makes things somewhat awkward. I'm not sure what to do with him. :(

I have another friend that acts with me the same way that I act with J. There isn't any alcohol or serious mental health issues between us, but I can be a hard person to hang out with sometimes too. I think I'm alot less needy with him now that I've been focusing on it, but I text him alot and feel bad when he doesn't answer. We talk (or text) at least a little bit every day, but it's me that initiates most of the contact. We like hanging out together, but he can sometimes be noncommital about making plans with me. Even though I know it's because he's so busy and is a popular guy and has other friends to hang out with, it still hurts. I decided at one point that I liked him as more than a friend, and although he was clear with me that he didn't see me that way, I felt hurt and it still makes things awkward occasionally (like when I'm feeling down). I'm not sure what to do with him :)

New Year and Other Stuff

2010-01-03T14:26:00.000-07:00

I like to make fun of Boskers, and this will be a Boskers-style post...short bits about a few different topics. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right?
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This weekend was really good, actually one of the funnest I've had in awhile. New Year's Eve was somewhat marred by family drama, but I'm not a big New Year's person anyway (see below). I don't have that many friends, but I got to spend time with two of my closest ones this weekend. Friday night i went up to R's and watched a movie, helped him clean (by supervising on the couch), and then just talked for awhile and fell asleep. Nothing too exciting, but I felt really comfortable and accepted, and it was fun to just talk and laugh and all that. I love you, R :) Saturday went down and met S at his parent's house. For some reason I felt really awkward at first. It wasn't his parents; they weren't there and I've met them before anyway. It wasn't his nana, she is the cutest little thing ever hehehe. I think it was because it was a new place and the house was so nice and big. It was weird that I felt awkward....I'm really comfortable with S. Social anxiety is just a strange thing, I guess. Anyway, two other friends got there and I felt better. We planned to go to a hot springs close by, but when we got there it had just closed for the night and we would have gotten yelled at if we snuck in. So we just went back to the parentals house and watched a movie. Again, nothing too exciting, but it's what I love...just hanging out and being with friends, talking, and not necessarily doing anything special.
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Church today...ugh...early church now. I'm going to miss my lazy Sunday mornings. Sunday school was an introduction to the Old Testament, since that's the topic for this year. The focus was on us being children of God and that he loves us. With the emphasis on the US...we, the ones at church, are children of God and he loves us because we're there following the commandments. It's important for me to remember that I'm a child of God, because then it will be easier to resist temptation and not get discouraged. Ummmmmm....probably true. But it's so much more than that. I wanted to raise my hand and say that it's just as important to remember that OTHER PEOPLE are children of God also, and that God loves everyone. Even the drunk guy stumbling out of the bar, the 16-year-old pregnant girl sitting next to you on the bus, the woman at the fast food place that barely speaks English, and the crazies that think everyone should have access to affordable health care. Oh, and me, the gay guy on the back row. Yep, God loves me too. Understand that, people, and there would be alot less judging going on!!
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New Years....I'm not a fan. It's just an arbitrary day. And just like being thankful only at Thanksgiving and giving only at Christmas, I find it dumb to make resolutions only at the beginning of the year. I want to make changes when I need to and work on it all year long. And why all the focus on changing? Where do you draw the line between changing and accepting yourself or your situation for what it is? My motto is generally "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." I could keep trying to change my sexuality, set goals, etc...or I could accept myself for who I am. I could go out and try to meet tons of new people and try to get everyone to like me...or I could value the friends I have and strengthen those relationships. I could strive for more money or power...or I could be happy with what I've got. Idk, it's probably somewhere in between. It's good to identify things to work on or make better, it's good to have ambition to better your life or your situation...but it's not good to have unrealistic expectations, set yourself up to get hurt, or focus on the future so much that you don't have time for the present.
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I kind of feel like this post has a negative tone to it. I don't mean for it to be that way. If there's one thing I want to get across, it's that I'm thankful for friends and others that accept me for who I am. Alot of times I feel like an anomaly, even in the gay world, and even in the moho world. I don't like always having to prove myself, always having to look good, always needing to impress. I just want to be me, and not have to seek out recognition for it. Of course, I DO want to be recognized for who I am, I just don't want to have to do all the work :) So I appreciate and value the two friends I spent time with this weekend, and the other one that lives far but who I talk to every day. They don't care too much that I'm goofy-looking and a few years older. They like me for me, and show it through their words and actions. Basically, they rock! :) (awww, I got kind of teary-eyed!)

Christmas

2009-12-27T22:16:00.000-07:00

I'm glad it's over. I'm kind of bah humbug when it comes to Christmas...I hate the crowded stores, the repetitive songs, spending money on things people don't want or need, the sudden focus on giving (until January), etc. This Christmas wasn't bad though...I guess I shouldn't complain. I got a nice break from work, it was fun spending time with family I don't see regularly, and it was fun seeing kids open presents. I'm not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, but I'll be glad to get the holidays behind me and get back to the swing of things. Maybe if I had a Prince Charming to spend them with I would like the holidays better.

-----------------Boskers owns the copyright to this divider--------------------

Today I got to sub in Primary. The last calling I had, two or three years ago, was being a Primary teacher. I taught the 10 and 11 year olds, and I loved it. They could be pretty obnoxious at times, but we had alot of fun while learning at the same time. I miss the simplicity of the gospel that is taught in Primary. In sharing time today, I don't remember exactly what the topic was, but the gist of the lesson was that Heavenly Father loves us. Period. Nothing else was thrown in, like "as long as you keep the commandments" or "only if you faithfully believe everything the church teaches" or "this doesn't apply if you're a guy that likes other guys." Heavenly Father loves us because we're his children. No matter what. Maybe they should do away with Gospel Doctrine or Elders Quorum and have the primary lessons and sharing time for adults. I think it would do the church alot of good.

What do I need to be happy

2009-12-20T23:05:00.000-07:00

This is not going to be a well-thought-out post. Just warning you. I've been feeling a mild level of suckiness for the past week or so, and it's wearing me out. It's probably just the holidays and the winter blahs. But it's honestly exhausting trying to put on a happy face every day and push the negative thoughts out of my mind. Why can't I just snap out of it, or decide I'm not going to feel that way any more? I guess my brain just doesn't work that way.

Things that would make me happy:
Having the boy I like like me back
Being able to stop liking the boy I like
Finding someone else, or even better, having them find me
Having more close friends, and not having to work so hard at keeping them
Not having to work so hard at finding friends
Being more outgoing
Being more attractive (yeah, guys stop talking to me once they see what I look like)
(dang, this list is making my eyes watery)
Having just a teeny bit more money, so I'm not living paycheck to paycheck
Being closer to my family
Waking up every morning next to someone that loves me for who I am
Having my mom and dad tell me they love me for who I am
Working at a job that I'm excited to go to every day
Having the boy I like like me back
Having the boy I like like me back

The sucky thing is that most of these things are out of my control or dependent on other people.

Things I already have that make me happy (late Thanksgiving list?):
Sun and blue sky (sometimes)
When Mike texts me to say good morning
When Steve leans on me for support
music
my phone (G1 woot woot)
three family members that love me unconditionally, for now
cheesecake
the rare occasions that the boy I like texts me before I text him first

Anyway. I'm headed to bed. Sleep usually clears my head and helps me to start afresh.

What I Learned

2009-12-18T12:57:00.000-07:00

So I've been seeing a counselor for the past four months or so. One of my benefits at work is that I can see a counselor on a short-term basis for free. I've attempted to do counseling in the past, but I haven't found a counselor that is a good fit and worth the money. This time around though I liked the one I got. She was affirming and nonjudgmental and easy to trust. Anyway, today was my last session with her. I can go back and see her if I need to, but for now we are done. To be honest, I'm not sure how much I got out of it. I definitely made progress, but I'm not sure if it was stuff I could have done on my own or if it was the counselor that helped me do it. Although, that's probably the sign of a good counselor...it's me that has to make the changes and if I figure it out for myself it's likely to work better. But she facilitated the change, gave positive feedback, guided me in the right direction, etc. And it is probably helpful to have a neutral party just to talk things over with. And I'm less depressed now that when I started, according to her assessment tools. Anyway, I wanted to write down some of the things I learned or ways that I changed so that I remember them for the future.

1. I'm definitely an introvert, and that means I have to work harder than 75% of the rest of the world in social situations. Making friends and becoming comfortable in social situations will move more slowly. I need to work at developing skills that most people take for granted.

2. I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I should recognize both my strengths and weaknesses and build on them. I shouldn't expect everyone to like me or for results to happen quickly. Building friendships and relationships takes time and practice.

3. Negative self-talk serves no purpose. Positive self-talk can help. When I'm feeling down, I need to tell myself that the situation is temporary and will get better with a good sleep or will pass in a few days. When I'm depressed my thinking isn't always sensible or the right way to look at things...I shouldn't make any major decisions based on how I am feeling when I'm depressed.

4. I have good coping skills and a good support system. Even though I tend to think negatively and be too hard on myself, I already have the skills to look at things more positively. I have people to rely on, I'm ok with sharing my feelings, I have a good family and a few good close friends.

5. I'm more ok now with being alone. I used to get kind of panicky and lonely when I was home alone or by myself, and felt that I was worthless if I wasn't talking to or texting someone or had plans to look forward to, etc. Now I can handle it better. I definitely prefer to be with people, but I also recognize that alone time is good for me and gives me time to recharge my batteries and relax.

6. I think (hope?) that I'm less dependent on friends or other people to make myself feel good. I think I am better able to handle getting emotionally attached to people and move things a little more slowly. I don't get sad or down if I don't hear from R every day (even though I like to!). Even though I have my "time of the month" where I'm more emotional and feel more lonely, I'm doing okay, and realize that it will pass.

So I guess the four months were beneficial. I would still like to develop my social skills and be more comfortable in my own skin, but it will come.

Doing the Best I Can

2009-12-13T21:42:00.000-07:00

Today in Elders Quorum the lesson was on Chapter 46 in the lesson manual about the martyrdom of Joseph Smith. Usually I don't get too much out of the lessons, and I sit in the back, don't say much, and think to myself how what people are saying is crap. Yep, I go to church with a good attitude :) I had a typical thought with one of the quotes from the manual, where Joseph Smith basically said that we have to hold firm and be willing to die for the truth, and if we are afraid we will lose eternal life. My thought was, "great, I'm screwed." That quote didn't get too much discussion in the class, though. But the very next quote in the manual did, and it was very positive. It was a quote from a letter that Joseph Smith wrote to Emma from Carthage Jail right before he died. The sentence that stood out and was discussed was this: “I am very much resigned to my lot, knowing I am justified and have done the best that could be done." The teacher asked if Joseph Smith was perfect, and the answer was no, he is a man and no man is perfect. He then asked if we are expected to be perfect in this life. My thought was "yeah, so I'm screwed again..."be ye therefore perfect even as I am" and all that." But the teacher gave a different answer. He said that Joseph was not perfect, but he died content knowing that he did the best he could while he was here. And that it's Satan who puts thoughts in our mind that make us think we're not good enough, we'll never make it, etc. He probably didn't mean to apply it to the gay guy sitting on the back row, but why not? I think I AM doing the best I can...sure, I have things to work on, but I'm honest, I care about other people, I treat people respectfully, I love my Savior, I don't drink or smoke or drug, I'm not promiscuous, and I love my family. My goal is a monogamous relationship with someone I love. I'm doing the best I can with what I've been given. The only difference between me and everyone else in the room is that I happen to be attracted to men. Now...some people will tell me that Satan is blinding me, and that I'm not doing the best I can. I'm taking the wrong path and selling myself short, breaking the covenants I've made, blatantly disregarding the teachings of the church, etc. But ugh...you can't have it both ways. I feel that the gospel is a lot simpler than we make it out to be sometimes. Maybe this is false doctrine, maybe I AM blinded, but my thinking is that if I love those around me, put myself in God's hands, and do the best I can, that I won't have too much to worry about and I can stand before the judgment bar with my head held high. :)

Haven't posted for awhile

2009-12-02T17:28:00.000-07:00

So maybe I've come to the point that alot of people come to...do I keep this blog going or not? I went back and re-read my first post where I wrote that I was starting the blog for three reasons: a way for people to get to know me better, a way for me to document and organize my thoughts, and a way to get to know and/or help other people. Results so far: not sure on the first one, a success on the second one, and possibly a success on the third. I suppose it has helped people get to know me better, but at the same time that's kind of scary. A good number of people are reading the blog, or at least dropping by, according to the stats. Especially now that it's linked to other people's blogs and it's in the "moho blog directory". And that's good; that's the point of a blog. I'm not necessarily writing for other people, I'm writing for me (see reason number 2), but alot of people read and don't leave comments, and I want to know what they are thinking. They are getting to know me through my blog, but I've come to realize my blog generally only presents one (mostly negative) side of me. Maybe that's why I haven't posted for a couple of weeks; I don't really have too much to say. I guess I'm kind of censoring myself because I don't want to come across as a whiny negative person. Not sure if that's good or bad. Another reason maybe I haven't posted is because someone left an anonymous comment, that, while 100% true, wasn't very helpful and kind of brought me down...I wish "anonymous" would have let me know who they were and talked a bit more about it. I guess it's kind of scary to put my intimate thoughts down and not know who's commenting on them. As far as reason number 3, I've kind of gotten to know new people through their blogs...there are a number of blogs that I look forward to reading and commenting on. But I haven't gotten to meet the people behind the blogs, and that's kind of what I hope for. I know alot of people don't want to be known though...so it's all good.

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I'm copying Boskers and drawing a cool dotted line so I can put two topics in one post :) Thanksgiving was this past week. Ugh. I have a love/hate relationship with the holidays. I definitely didn't want to do a cliched "what am I thankful for" post. I woke up in a blah mood, wishing I had someone to wake up next to, but I pretty much told myself, "shut the frick up...it's ok to be thankful for things and you could be alot worse off than you are." And it's true...I have a roof over my head, I don't go hungry, I'm healthy, I got my car back, things are going somewhat better with my boss, I have family that loves me, I have at least 4 people that I can consider close friends, and I have other friends/acquaintences that I know are supportive of me. So yeah...I'm going to count my blessings while I have them :)

What's important to me

2009-11-15T21:56:00.001-07:00

I saw this on another blog and thought it was kind of cool...anyway, this is a word cloud using all the words from all my posts thus far. Interesting, no?

http://www.wordle.net/show/wrdl/1340679/Untitled

It freaking sucks loving someone who doesn't love you back; or, This weekend BLOWS!

2009-11-14T22:49:00.001-07:00

This is going to be a pity-party post, so I would advise most people to just skip right over it...ok, if you're still reading, consider yourself warned.

This weekend pretty much sucks. My car got stolen yesterday, today I found out on facebook that the man of my dreams is now "in a relationship", and Monday is my birthday and I've done absolutely NOTHING fun to celebrate it, since I have no one to celebrate it WITH! (other than family...they took me out for pizza today). Anyway...I'm not going to vent like I thought I was going to...I don't really feel like it and it won't do any good anyway. My insurance company gave me a rental car (a jeep!) and seem to be easy to work with so far, gonna have a family b-day party tomorrow and I'm sure the girls I work with will take me out to lunch on Monday, and I can probably do better than the man of my dreams anyway. I wasn't going to talk trash about him, just because I don't have any trash to talk, but I was going to go on and on about how unfair it is, how much he hurt me, how much of a loser I am, blah blah blah. We got in a big argument after I confronted him, and I felt like crap after. It brought up all my insecurities, etc...but I don't want to talk about that anymore, or rant like a drama queen. Won't do any good, and looking back I probably overreacted anyway. He's a good guy and still wants to be friends...yeah, it hurts that his heart belongs to someone else, but that someone else is damn lucky to have him.

Being Positive

2009-11-08T12:50:00.000-07:00

A week or so ago me and my friend UTMOHO were talking about how we mostly blog when we're down and depressed or something is going wrong and we need to vent. Alot of people stop blogging altogether when they are past their "crisis stage" of mohodom. He said, "Well I'll be blogging for eternity then!" and I said, "well I'll be reading for eternity then!" But most of my posts are somewhat negative, and the name and layout of my blog are pretty emo. Earlier in the week I was kind of feeling down about not fitting in with some of the moho cliques and not getting invited to stuff, but most of the week has gone pretty well. Work is somewhat better; my bosses still suck but we moved to a brand new office building that's really nice. The weather has been awesome. Working on not being so needy is going well, I think. I've got (what I consider to be) three close friends that I talk to alot; one I don't see much since he's busy with school and two jobs and his fraternity, one that I see even less since he lives far (and doesn't make time for me when he's up here...grrrrr...lol), and one that is pretty busy too but we hang out alot and make time for each other. So all in all, things are pretty ok for now.

Where I Am in My Journey

2009-11-01T22:41:00.000-07:00

I guess I'm a day late posting on the October Mohosphere theme, but I wanted to write a bit for it...here we go:

How did I get to where I am today?
Ummm...where am I today? I guess I'm at a different place than I was a year ago, and at a very different place than I was 4 or so years ago. I haven't posted my coming out story, and I'm not going to go into that too much right now, but 5 years ago I was in control of my life, or so I thought. My secrets were carefully tucked away and didn't cause me great concern. I wasn't truly happy, but I wasn't sad either. Depression wasn't an issue. I didn't realize at that time what love really was, even though I was in a significant relationship, but I was coasting along fine. Then "IT" happened...and the secrets and feelings that were bottled up inside exploded, causing a significant re-examination of where I was and where I wanted to go. Depression, pain, and sorrow were the result. Then came a long period of questioning, thinking, and self-examination. And that's where I am now...toward the end of that period, and figuring out where to go from here and how to make that happen.

Am I happy with where I am?
Meh. Some days yes, other days no. I've got a few good friends, I've learned some important lessons, and I'm getting a picture of where I want to go. Probably more stressful days than completely happy days. Not out to all of my family, but I'm pretty sure the rumors have gotten around. Not out at work, but I keep people guessing. But I want more...where's this exciting, glamorous gay lifestyle I was cautioned against??! :p

Where do I see myself in the future?
Life is never either/or, but I think my life can take one of two possible paths...I can find my Prince Charming and settle down and live happily ever after, or I can grow increasingly bitter and eventually become one of those lonely, slightly creepy single older guys that all wards have. Hopefully it's the first path. I've mostly come to terms with being a gay Mormon (the church is important to me and I mostly believe in it, although I can't both fully comply with its teachings and be honest about who I am), and I want to have a strong monogamous relationship with a loving guy while having good morals and helping others. I'll need lots of luck...

What roadblocks do I have and have overcome?
Family is one to be overcome...not that it's a roadblock, but more of an issue that still needs to be dealt with. My sexual preference is the elephant in the room...it's there, but maybe if we ignore it long enough it will go away. Maybe it's just a phase. Maybe I just need to pray more or be more active in church. Oh well...I've been dealing with this alot longer than my family has...hopefully they will come around. At least they haven't kicked me out of the family and told me not to come back. Other roadblocks...emotional immaturity, social retardation, etc., etc....all the good stuff that goes along with being a gay Mormon.

What advice do I have for others following my path?
I'm a strong believer in everyone having their own path to follow. What's right for me isn't necessarily right for someone else, and just because it didn't work a certain way for me doesn't mean it won't work for you. If I had to do things over again, I would come out alot earlier than I did. I think there is alot more in place now for people to come out and be supported, and I think that by not coming out sooner I did significant damage to my emotional well-being and self-esteem. I wish I would have come out in high school or shortly after. Other advice...be completely honest with yourself and others, don't feel pressured to make decisions quickly, don't judge others that are on a different path or in a different place, and keep in mind that even though people will make you feel like you are evil, confused, or wrong, your Father loves you no matter what.

Advice for family and friends
Be open-minded. Don't judge. Think before you speak. Realize that your loved one has likely gone through significant emotional and mental turmoil to get to where he/she is now. We need support from people that love us. We don't need to be "tolerated". This isn't a phase. This is who I am, and it's been a long journey for me to come to that conclusion. There is no such thing as a "gay lifestyle", just like there isn't a "straight lifestyle." Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I'm a danger to children or a menace to society. I don't want to have sex with every guy I see. If you're straight, you don't have to worry about me hitting on you. Just love me and accept me for who I am. Come on, it's 2009...you're stuck in the past if you're going to hate someone for who they love.

Suffering

2009-10-25T12:51:00.000-06:00

It's Sunday morning...rather than clean my house or pay bills like I need to, let's talk religion. Again, this is not a well-thought-out essay, but rather just some random thoughts that have been going through my mind this morning.

The topic of today's sermon is suffering. All of us suffer to some extent, no one's life is perfect every minute of every day. Suffering is just part of the human condition. Those of us that are LDS have it ingrained in us...suffering is a big part of our church history, and we are taught that suffering can make us stronger. We should almost welcome it, and "enduring to the end" will bring us rewards. Those of us that are mohos go through alot of mental and emotional suffering as well, trying to balance our spiritual beliefs with our biological condition. Some of us handle it well, others not so well.

As I may or may not have mentioned in previous posts, my underlying philosophy about God is that he is literally a loving father. I don't claim to be a better parent than Heavenly Father, but I figure that he loves us the same way I love my children. He is just and merciful. Just as I would never deliberately bring suffering upon my children, I don't believe that he deliberately brings suffering upon us. But I also think God is a lot more "hands-off" sometimes as well...he doesn't cause suffering, but he doesn't prevent it from happening either. Applying this to being gay, I don't think that God deliberately made me gay to challenge me or make me stronger. He may have had a purpose for it, but it wasn't to make me suffer.

Just because God doesn't stop suffering from happening, I don't think he particularly enjoys seeing it happen. Do I think God could step in and stop a tsunami from happening? Definitely, I believe he is all-powerful. Do I think God could miraculously change someone from gay to straight? Sure...who am I to say that it can't happen or hasn't happened? But I don't think that God steps in and influences our lives as much as people think. He lets life take its course. And sometimes that means watching us suffer. It's not that he doesn't care; I believe that he knows the intimate details of everyone's lives. But even God has laws that bind him (e.g. the principle of free agency), and maybe letting life happen is one of them.

So is suffering inevitable? Yeah, probably. Do we have to just take it and "endure to the end", suffering through life? No way. I think we as church members put ourselves in the victim role far too often. I think we put ourselves in God's hands way too often (even though that's not necessarily a bad thing), and don't do enough for ourselves. Maybe that's callous, or even blasphemous, to not want to wait around for God to ease my suffering...after all, he loves me and doesn't want me to suffer. But I'm also not going to wait around for my earthly dad to bail me out of my problems...I'm competent enough to make my own choices and find my own solutions. I kind of even think that God doesn't necessarily even CARE if I'm gay or straight. But he does care about my happiness, and he cares how I handle myself and treat other people.

Anyway, just some random thoughts, maybe some of which contradict each other. I wasn't sure what direction this was going to go when I started writing. But to summarize, I believe God loves us no matter what, and he doesn't deliberately make us suffer. It's just a part of life. It's not a punishment, and it's not a blessing either.

It's me: a poem

2009-10-20T10:36:00.000-06:00

I’m in a different mood right now.
Not depressed but kind of lonely, not sad but wanting more.
Stuck and not sure how to get unstuck?
Melancholy

A lot on my mind, definitely...
suicide (not my own, don’t worry)
the future (yes, my own…I worry)
Balancing being self-confident and confronting my awkwardness
loving but not being loved back,
wanting but not being wanted back

Wondering
h
y.....

I’m a good person. I think I would want me...
Loyal, caring, kind
Not high maintenance (usually), pretty easygoing (too much?)
Not a young twink or a body-building hunk, but not ugly either
I’m trying to focus on being confident and ignore when my brain tries to talk me out of it

But this is reality:
Few close friends. Am I socially awkward?
No significant other. Do I drive people away? Or not attract them in the first place?
No invitations for dates. Not many invitations to parties or to hang out. Mostly turned down when I do the inviting.
Is it my fault or theirs? What do I do different?
I think I’m too needy
I crave closeness, but don’t know how to get it
I get too attached, and people don’t like that
I feel like I bother certain people too much

And it’s a vicious cycle...

I’m confident. I ignore my negativity and confront my awkwardness.
I try.
I fail.
I get hurt.
I don’t want to try anymore.
I lose confidence and become awkward.
I pull away.
I feel lonely, and it’s my own fault.

And it’s a vicious cycle...
loving but not being loved back,
wanting but not being wanted back

Religious and other freedoms...

2009-10-15T15:45:00.000-06:00

This is not necessarily a well-thought out opinion paper that could be presented or published, but it is my reaction toward the now-infamous talk by Elder Oaks about religious freedom. I’ll just jump right in…

I didn’t find anything to disagree with at the beginning of the talk. In fact, I was thinking, “how is any of this controversial?” The Constitution, religious freedom, protecting the rights of “all flesh”, democracy, and popular sovereignty are all good things that should be protected. It seemed like the thesis of his talk was this: “This principle of sovereignty in the people explains the meaning of God’s revelation that He established the Constitution of the United States “that every man may act . . . according to the moral agency which I have given unto him, that every man may be accountable for his own sins in the day of judgment” (Doctrine and Covenants 101:78).” But from there, it seemed like most of what he said refuted this idea rather than supported it.

Elder Oaks seems to believe that religious freedom trumps the rest of the Bill of Rights, including freedom of speech. He states that “during my lifetime I have seen a significant deterioration in the respect accorded to religion in our public life, and I believe that the vitality of religious freedom is in danger of being weakened accordingly” and bases the rest of his talk on this belief. He doesn’t really give any examples of how it is being weakened, though, other than the Proposition 8 debacle. In fact, he states that “religious freedom has always been at risk.” Could it be that it is no more at risk now than it has been in the past?

I sensed something going wrong when he mentioned “newly alleged” civil rights. This was my “uh-oh, where is this going?” moment. As I read on, it seemed like by “newly alleged” he meant silly, wrong, or false. When he talked about the newly alleged “civil right” of same-sex couples to get married, with the quotation marks in the written copy of the talk, I felt sad and let down. Elder Oaks had spent the first part of his talk outlining the greatness of the Constitution and how it was the first document to guarantee the rights of religion, free speech, etc. (in other words, “newly alleged” civil rights at the time of its writing), and was now moving toward pitting one minority group against another. He totally lost me when he said “Those who seek to change the foundation of marriage should not be allowed to pretend that those who defend the ancient order are trampling on civil rights.” In other words, not only can the other side not express an opinion, they should be barred from having the opinion in the first place (or retaliated against if they do have an opinion?) It is this, and the condescending tone of the entire second half of the talk, that upset me rather than the silly comparison between what the church is going through now and what African-Americans experienced during the pre-civil rights era.

To support the wrongness of those that are anti-religion and pro-gay marriage (for him, the two viewpoints are one and the same), he concludes by talking about “Christian principles of human worth and dignity” and quotes that “It was Jesus who first stated that all men are created equal [and] that every person . . . is valued and loved by God.” Funny, I would use the same arguments, along with “love one another” and Elder Oaks’ previous statements about our God-given right of popular sovereignty and free agency, to support giving two people that love each other the right to marry regardless of gender. Is there something I’m missing?

Shocking Revelation!! I'm a Woman!!!

2009-10-11T21:31:00.000-06:00

...at least when it comes to friendships. From time to time I'm going to blog about books I read, especially if they pertain to me as an introverted gay mormon guy. Sorry to disappoint my readers, but I won't be reviewing Twilight (but Go Team Jacob!!!!) Anyway, I picked up a book that looked interesting called Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend by Irene S. Levine, Ph.D. Chapter 1 is called "Understanding Female Friendships", but it could also be called "Understanding David's Friendships With People Gay and Straight." She talks about a Friendship Pyramid, with a big group of Casual Friends making up the base (people you know but don't really know well, linked to you by situational circumstance), a middle area of Good Friends (friends that you feel close to, hang out with, and spend more time with...but lack the intimacy and closeness that typifies a best friendship), and a small area of Best Friends at the top. She states that "compared to male friendships, female friendships tend to be far more intense and intimate...women are more likely to provide each other with emotional support, while men tend to share companionship and activities." In a female relationship, the main ingredient that "turns acquaintances into good friends and good friends into best friends" is "the willingness of two women to become increasingly open with each other, to reveal their true selves."

So I'm a woman when it comes to friendships. I like intimacy in my friendships. I like people that can give me emotional support when I need it and come to me for support when they need it. I'm not the most open person in the world, but I like having friends that I can tell my secrets to, and when people are open with me I feel much closer to them. I like to know what's going on with my friends and what they are thinking and feeling at any given moment.

How does this affect my relationships with people? First off, maybe it's why I in general I can get closer to females than males in day-to-day relationships. My best friend in high school was a girl, I hang out with the girls at work rather than the guys, and I prefer a female authority figure (boss, teacher, etc.) to a male one. Wanting emotional closeness naturally brings me closer to females and pushes me away from males. That's probably why I have a hard time having good friendships with straight guys at work or at church...I get nothing from them emotionally, intimacy pushes straight guys away, and we don't have alot of commonality in the activities we like. What about relationships with gay guys? Depends on the guy I guess...I think I am realizing that just because a guy is gay, it doesn't make him a female-type friendship guy. I would say that the two guys I am closest to right now both look for the same things in a friendship that I do. But I think that the friends I talk about in this post (at least Friend #1 and especially Friend #3)are more male-type friendships guys. We have one big thing in common, our sexuality, and we also share other interests. That was enough to move them into the Good Friends category. But where I wanted to move the friendship up to the next level, they balked and I got hurt. Emotional intimacy scared them, I wasn't getting my emotional needs met, and the friendships suffered. So now that I have come to this realization, here's a topic for discussion...what do I do differently to better my relationships and be able to form Good or even Best Friendships with straight guys and "male-type friendship" gay guys?

The (Obligatory?) Conference Post

2009-10-04T20:48:00.000-06:00

So Conference...wonderful Conference. There will probably be a mix of blogs from people who thought it was just awesome, others who disagree with alot of what was said, and others who don't care one way or the other. I went to the Priesthood session with my dad and brother-in-law (family tradition) and watched the Sunday morning session while cleaning and straightening (and listened pretty well!) Then lunch at mom's and watch the afternoon session together (another family tradition). Honestly, I didn't get too much out of it. I think that's mostly because I'm much more of a visual learner...listening to talk after talk numbs my mind, and I get alot more out of the talks if I read them. But I think I'm also just not that spiritual of a guy anymore. I did like some of what I heard ..it seemed like there was somewhat of a focus on being kind to each other, not getting angry, respecting each other, having charity, etc. But now that I'm not a "typical" church member anymore, it made me realize how tailored the church is to the upper-middle-class two-parent family, and anyone who doesn't fit that description can't enjoy all the blessings of the gospel. What about the single mom, the lady who hasn't found anyone to marry her, the kid whose dad is in jail, etc. And of course, the gay guy. We're all kind of on the outskirts of a church that is focused on the perfect family. Not that the family isn't a good thing to focus on, of course it is, but as the church expands it's going to have to address the needs of us non-typical members. Anyway, this is kind of turning into a rant so I'll stop here. Thoughts?

Tough Week

2009-09-20T21:47:00.000-06:00

This has been a pretty tough week. Thankfully I have been pretty in control emotionally, so I'm not feeling depressed or hopeless; some of the stuff that has happened may actually be a blessing in disguise. This will be more of a journal entry post; not too much analysis or insight this time.

Work sucks. Absolutely sucks. A couple of months ago my awesome awesome boss retired and things got restructured. She was pretty much the glue holding everything together, and things have gone downhill fast. My new boss is controlling, paranoid, vindictive, and holds grudges. He hated my old boss, and now we are being punished simply for who we used to work for. And the director of the office supports him. Communication is no longer valued, building on people's strengths doesn't matter, backstabbing is encouraged, and the only way to get favor with the boss is to suck up. I'm used to working in an environment where I get my work done and let its quality speak for itself, and I'm respected for my knowledge and work ethic. I have NEVER had my commitment to my job questioned or been told that a monkey can do my job, but that is what happened this week. I don't want to get into specifics, because I'll just get more pissed off, but my boss is a bully and I'm done with that place. I'm looking for a new job, maybe with the state and maybe not. I'm not going to quit or do anything rash before I have something else lined up, but I've already applied for two other state jobs that look interesting and challenging. Or I might try to find something in the private sector that can help me reach my dream of getting my LCSW, and becoming a counselor for gay youth. We'll see....

On the moho front, I had the pleasure of getting rejected 3 times in one night. Woo hoo! It bruised my ego a bit but I didn't care too much. Unfortunately, I'm used to it. One stopped talking to me after I sent him a picture, the second no longer wanted to meet (yes, just MEET) after he found out that I wasn't compatible with his sexual inclinations (good riddance), and the third was a guy I had gone out with 3 times that told me he wasn't interested anymore and that we didn't click. Ugh. Hooray for me. I'm not a model by any means, I don't have the looks of a porn star, but I don't think I'm ugly either. I'm introverted and it can be hard to get to know me, but I have an awesome personality, at least I think so! I have no clue what it is about me that pushes people away, and I talked to a friend about it and he doesn't have an answer either. Today I got to spend some time with friend #3, and it felt a little awkward but it was also good. It was fun to catch up and hear what he's been up to. At the same time though, it reminded me of the good times and made me sad that we don't have that anymore. He's the kind of guy I want to spend the rest of my life with, and guys like that are few and far between :(

Positives of the week...got to meet and hang out with a friend that I've been texting and facebooking for awhile, but hadn't met in person. He and his boyfriend were awesome and I had alot of fun. And I'm super excited for a family FHE tomorrow with these friends. Hopefully this week will be better :)

The "Mo" Part

2009-09-13T22:08:00.000-06:00

So let’s talk about the “mo” part of being a moho…it is Sunday, after all. Sunday morning, specifically, and I’m getting ready to go to church. Church, you say? Why would a gay Mormon want to go to a church that at best tolerates his presence? Good question, and I’m not sure that I know the answer. First, some background. I was raised to be a good Mormon boy in a strong Mormon family -- lots of kids, parents consistently voted Republican, church every Sunday and activities during the week, and FHE and scripture study when we were motivated. There was never any question that I would serve a mission and go to BYU. I served in the leaderships of my Aaronic priesthood quorums, graduated from 4 years of seminary, and never drank or smoked or had sex. I’m sure this sounds fairly similar to a lot of people reading this blog; I’m not the only good-Mormon-but-gay-boy out there. Of course, I always knew I liked boys, and knew that this didn’t really mesh with what the church taught. Unlike a lot of people, though, I have never really had a “spiritual crisis” -- the cognitive dissonance has always been there but it hasn’t really bothered me. I’m not sure if that’s because I am a fence sitter, unwilling to commit to either side, or I think that I can “serve two masters” and have one foot in the church and the other in the “gay world”. What emotional effect does it have on me? It’s true I’m not outwardly committed to either side. My attendance at church is hit or miss, I’m not a regular pray-er or scripture reader anymore, I like my morning coffee, and I vote Democrat more often than not ;) But for the most part, I believe in what the church teaches, even the things that set us apart from most other Christian denominations. On the other hand, I’m not the typical gay guy living the “gay lifestyle” that my parents are so afraid of. Still no smoking or drinking, not really into promiscuity, I like to look good but don’t have the money or inclination to be fashion-obsessed, and the club is fun every once in a while but I don’t have to be there every weekend. But there’s no question that I’m gay; that’s an issue that was resolved a long time ago. Well, time to go to church…let’s see if I have an epiphany during the two hours I’m there.

Nope, no epiphany…same as always. Sit in the back, don’t talk to anyone unless they talk to me first, etc. When I don’t go I feel like something is missing, when I do go I feel like I don’t quite fit. In Elder’s Quorum we talked about chapter 41 in the lesson book about doing temple work for the dead, and alot of emphasis was on the importance of keeping records, and how in the early days of the church alot of ordinances had to be done over because they weren't recorded or witnessed correctly. One quorum member brought up that his grandpa, at age 90, had to be baptized again because no one could find his baptism date, even though he had been married in the temple, etc. My thoughts were along the lines of "why the h are people so worried about it? God knows what has been done, so why stress?" And I think that pretty much sums up my philosophy toward church. I believe in a God that loves me unconditionally, no matter what, just like I would love my children no matter what they do or what they become. God knows my heart, and He knows that I'm a good person and loves me even though I'm gay. I believe in the simple basics of the gospel...love one another, serve others, treat them the way I want to be treated. I don't care so much about the rest. I figure if I live my life the best I can, respect myself and others, and be the best dad in the world, that everything will work out in the end. God loves me, he died for me, and that's all that matters. I guess that's my gay testimony, in the name.....

PS...if anyone in the Wasatch Front area wants/needs a "church buddy", I'd be happy to hook up with you...for church, of course :p Having a friend to go with would definitely help my activity level...

Two Parties, One Tux, and a Very Short Film About The Grapes of Wrath

2009-09-08T23:05:00.003-06:00

I'm a big reader, and I like reading books with gay characters. Two of my favorite book blogs are I'm Here. I'm Queer. What the Hell Do I Read? which mostly deals with YA fiction with a gay theme and ideas for GSA groups, and BoyWithBooks.com written by a gay college student. So I figure that I might as well talk about some of the books I read on my blog too. And I'll put the standard Spoiler Alert Warning here.

I recently read a humorous book with an awesome title, Two Parties, One Tux, and a Very Short Film About The Grapes of Wrath by new author Steven Goldman. The book is written from the point of view of Mitchell, a socially awkward high school junior whose best (and pretty much only) friend David comes out to him one day at lunch in the school cafeteria. David is on the baseball team, goes to parties, and drinks occasionally, and fits in well with the popular crowd, but prefers hanging out with Mitchell. The two of them participate in high school adventures together (getting ready for the Junior Prom, getting in trouble for making a racy claymation movie for English class, and dealing with sensitive bully Louis), and David's coming out is only one part of the story.

Mitchell seems kind of shocked about the whole thing, and doesn't really know what to think or how to react. It definitely affects their relationship for a bit, but he still talks to David and considers him his best friend. In fact, they double-date to the Prom, both taking girls. Mitchell initially wonders if he might be gay also, and bully Louis insinuates that he is since he spends so much time with David. He soon puts this thought to rest, however. Things get even more confusing when Mitchell and David realize that David is essentially in love with Mitchell, although David knows that nothing can ever come of it. The book ends on a happy note, with the boys staying friends.

Since the story was written from the point of view of Mitchell, the straight one, the reader sees David's struggles with being gay through Mitchell's eyes. This worked somewhat well, but I would have liked to have David's character developed a little bit better so I could understand him and empathize with him more. The book takes a light-hearted approach to the theme of coming out, and there isn't alot of homophobia towards David (man, kids have it so easy nowadays!) David obviously struggled, however (he gets depressed and pulls away from Mitchell), and I would like to have known how he dealt with falling for his best friend and how he got over it. I can't really relate to falling for a straight friend, but I have definitely fallen for gay friends that didn't want anything other than friendship. It sucks! I think I tend to be emotionally starved and get attached to anyone that gives me attention, and want more out of relationships with friends than they do (hmmm, the issue of friends seems to be a running theme with me). So it would have been interesting for me to see how David dealt with it in the story. Overall, the book was okay, and the way the author used humor to address coming out and other teen issues made the book a quick read. I didn't like it as much as I liked other books in this genre, but I would recommend it.

Hurray for cool quotes!

2009-09-03T20:52:00.000-06:00

So I found this quote on some random guy's page on Connexion...it made me smile on an otherwise crappy day.

Gay men are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree (figuratively speaking). Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but are easy.... So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

That's so totally me! At least, I think so! :)

WTF??

2009-08-31T21:05:00.002-06:00

So I had an interesting conversation on facebook with a friend (meaning, in this case, someone I went to school with and was in the same ward as me, but haven't talked to her in years other than on facebook)today:

Friend: ok..I am just going to flat out ask you now instead of beating around the bush....are you gay? We have a mutual friend who asked me if I know and I did not know but they were afraid to ask you...

Me:(wondering how does one respond to that?) hmmm..... who's the friend?

Friend: lets just leave it that it is someone from the (xx) ward who is a mutual friend on facebook...

Me: (perturbed but somewhat amused) well, he/she is welcome to ask me him/herself, rather than gossiping about it

Friend: They will never ask you because they do not know you that well...I told her that I would ask you because I felt like I could and that either way it did not matter to me. Friends are friends no matter what in my opinion

Me: if they don't know me well, why do they care? sorry...it's a sensitive topic, and i hate being the subject of gossip

Friend: no..I understand where you are coming from..I am the same way. For what it is worth..she only asked me on Friday. She just knows your parents more than she knows you and was curious I guess. I told her that I felt like I could ask you.

Me: (sarcastically) yeah....it's all good. is there anything else he/she wants to know?

Friend: no..I think they already think they have it all figured out. In my mind..who cares...it's all good!!!

Me: yep...but when you pass on the info to the secret person, tell them i find it interesting that they can know intimate details about my life but I can't know who they are...and that they shouldn't assume anything about me

My reaction kind of surprised me. I'm not out to everyone, but I generally don't hide who I am. I don't really care if people know I'm gay...it's not something I'm ashamed of anymore. At the same time, I'm a pretty private person and don't usually volunteer information that isn't asked for...I keep the girls at work guessing, since they know I'm a dad, but also that I like cooking, fashion, shopping, and know next to nothing about sports. But back to my reaction...usually, if asked, I won't deny that I'm gay. This time, just the way it was asked, really pissed me off. For someone that I haven't talked to in years to ask about something so personal, because someone that barely knows me wants to know, just rubbed me the wrong way. Am I right to be upset? Or does it mean I'm not really as comfortable with myself as I think I am? Something to think about...

Friends

2009-08-27T22:12:00.004-06:00

So I've been thinking a lot about friends lately. Somebody (I can't remember who!) wrote recently about the different kinds of friends, and yesterday I came across this post by Bravone. To sum up, I pretty much suck at making friends, and lately I suck even more at keeping them. I think I grew up keeping my distance from people, even my parents, because I didn't want them to get close enough and discover my "secret". I had friends in high school, but after that I was never very close to many of my mission companions, roommate, ward members, or neighbors. And I'm pretty much still that way, even though my secret is not so secret anymore. The weird thing is, I crave close relationships with people...so much so, that when I find someone I want to be close to I tend to overdo it and either scare them away or get too emotionally attached and end up getting hurt.

Case in point: friend #1. Met him not too long after I moved back to Utah from Seattle. Hung out and talked alot, got close, wanted more, got hurt, retreated, got close again, got hurt again. Stopped talking when he got sick of me and got a boyfriend. We recently reconnected, I helped him out with some stuff, but kept him at an emotional distance. He did something, I reacted in a way that I sincerely thought was out of love and concern for him...and got pretty much shut down for it. That hurt alot, and I was mad at myself for even letting him back into my life. I'm a very forgiving person (or just hate letting people go? glutton for punishment?) so we talk now and again...but it's just not the same. I considered him my best friend at one point...what happened?

Case in point: friend #2. Met him through another friend, thought we had pretty similar experiences and personalities. Talked alot, didn't hang out because he was away at school, got close, he came back from school and we got even closer...hung out alot, shared what was going on with us, etc. He was in the process of coming out, and I think I was an emotional support for him...introduced him to my friends, took him to meet a new (for both of us) crowd of people...and that was the end. He met other people and we talked and hung out less and less. He got a boyfriend and we pretty much stopped talking altogether. I've made attempts to keep the friendship going, but they've only backfired. It hurt for awhile, then I didn't care for awhile, and I've pretty much decided it's not worth the effort anymore. I considered him my best friend at one point...what happened?

Case in point: friend #3. Met him about a year ago, liked him alot, he kind of liked me back, but wasn't ready for anything more than friendship. I was ok with that, and we talked and hung out alot (does this sound familiar yet?) At one point we ended up messing around...which resulted in me feeling emotionally closer to him, and him pushing away slightly. We still talked, and hung out when he had time, but it was always me texting him first, and always me inviting him to hang out. Messed around a little bit more, I got closer, he got farther...and we finally had a good talk that was a long time coming. I was honest, he was honest, I was crushed but not bitter and wanted to stay friends. I took some emotional distance, and he....kind of disappeared. I'm trying to keep the friendship going, but he's a very busy guy and doesn't have alot of time. I don't want to be the one always calling and always wanting to do things...I want him to show some friend love toward me. Can't force it though, obviously, and we're drifting apart now. I considered him my best friend at one point...what happened?

This post sounds pretty negative, and I'm sure I could take more responsibility in what happened with my three friends...maybe if I were less needy, more extroverted, etc. things might be different. I do the best I can though. Luckily I have two newer friends that I feel close to and trust...hopefully I can keep those friendships positive.

First post

2009-08-25T20:17:00.003-06:00

Real original title for this post, right? I've been wanting to do a blog for awhile now, but just haven't found the time/inspiration/motivation to get it done. I'm David, and I'm starting a fairly new phase of my life. Like most of you that will be reading this, I'm gay, LDS (Mormon), and still trying to figure out what that all means even though I started coming out about 4 years ago. I'm blogging for a few different reasons. One is because it seems like the thing to do. I was told by someone today that he doesn't know how to relate to me because I hide so much of who I am (I'll probably expand on that in another post). I'm an introvert by nature; not necessarily shy, especially once you get to know me, but I definitely put up a wall that's hard for people to get past. So maybe by writing a blog, people can get to know me better. Second, I find that I can get my thoughts out much better through writing. Along with my introvertedness, I'm not much of a spontaneous speaker and I'm usually content to just listen and make occasional comments. By writing, I can better organize what I want to say, and by putting my thoughts on paper (well, on the computer screen) I can save them and go back to them later and see if I have changed or made any progress. Third, I hope to meet new people through my blog...people who are going through the same things I'm going through, people who have already gone through it and can offer advice, and other "mohos" that have their own blogs. I'm sure I won't have too much that's original, but I would love for people to leave comments and let me know what they think about what I have to say.

And just for fun, here's one of those corny get-to-know-you questionnaire things.

Hair Color: brown, usually reddish brown, but darker lately
Eye Color: blue...yay!!
Profession: social worker
Relationship Status: broken up/single/i don't know/hopefully changing
Religious Views: LDS/complicated/believing but not too active right now
What's Your Sign?: Scorpio...is this important?
Any Siblings?: yep...I'm the oldest
Shoe size: 9 1/2...is THAT important?
Where were you born?: Salt Lake City
Innie or Outie: if I want you to know, you'll find out for yourself
Righty or Lefty?: righty
Chocolate or Vanilla: both are boring...something fruity or caramelly
Big Mac or Whopper: Whopper Jr, if I had to pick, but I'd take Arby's or Taco Bell
Coke or Pepsi : Mtn Dew!!!!!!
Beer or Wine: yuck...not a drinker, although I have been known to have an occasional Sex on the Beach
Coffee or Tea: Coffee!!!!
Breakfast or Dinner: mmmm pancakes

And that's enough of that.