Sunday, September 13, 2009

The "Mo" Part

So let’s talk about the “mo” part of being a moho…it is Sunday, after all. Sunday morning, specifically, and I’m getting ready to go to church. Church, you say? Why would a gay Mormon want to go to a church that at best tolerates his presence? Good question, and I’m not sure that I know the answer. First, some background. I was raised to be a good Mormon boy in a strong Mormon family -- lots of kids, parents consistently voted Republican, church every Sunday and activities during the week, and FHE and scripture study when we were motivated. There was never any question that I would serve a mission and go to BYU. I served in the leaderships of my Aaronic priesthood quorums, graduated from 4 years of seminary, and never drank or smoked or had sex. I’m sure this sounds fairly similar to a lot of people reading this blog; I’m not the only good-Mormon-but-gay-boy out there. Of course, I always knew I liked boys, and knew that this didn’t really mesh with what the church taught. Unlike a lot of people, though, I have never really had a “spiritual crisis” -- the cognitive dissonance has always been there but it hasn’t really bothered me. I’m not sure if that’s because I am a fence sitter, unwilling to commit to either side, or I think that I can “serve two masters” and have one foot in the church and the other in the “gay world”. What emotional effect does it have on me? It’s true I’m not outwardly committed to either side. My attendance at church is hit or miss, I’m not a regular pray-er or scripture reader anymore, I like my morning coffee, and I vote Democrat more often than not ;) But for the most part, I believe in what the church teaches, even the things that set us apart from most other Christian denominations. On the other hand, I’m not the typical gay guy living the “gay lifestyle” that my parents are so afraid of. Still no smoking or drinking, not really into promiscuity, I like to look good but don’t have the money or inclination to be fashion-obsessed, and the club is fun every once in a while but I don’t have to be there every weekend. But there’s no question that I’m gay; that’s an issue that was resolved a long time ago. Well, time to go to church…let’s see if I have an epiphany during the two hours I’m there.

Nope, no epiphany…same as always. Sit in the back, don’t talk to anyone unless they talk to me first, etc. When I don’t go I feel like something is missing, when I do go I feel like I don’t quite fit. In Elder’s Quorum we talked about chapter 41 in the lesson book about doing temple work for the dead, and alot of emphasis was on the importance of keeping records, and how in the early days of the church alot of ordinances had to be done over because they weren't recorded or witnessed correctly. One quorum member brought up that his grandpa, at age 90, had to be baptized again because no one could find his baptism date, even though he had been married in the temple, etc. My thoughts were along the lines of "why the h are people so worried about it? God knows what has been done, so why stress?" And I think that pretty much sums up my philosophy toward church. I believe in a God that loves me unconditionally, no matter what, just like I would love my children no matter what they do or what they become. God knows my heart, and He knows that I'm a good person and loves me even though I'm gay. I believe in the simple basics of the gospel...love one another, serve others, treat them the way I want to be treated. I don't care so much about the rest. I figure if I live my life the best I can, respect myself and others, and be the best dad in the world, that everything will work out in the end. God loves me, he died for me, and that's all that matters. I guess that's my gay testimony, in the name.....

PS...if anyone in the Wasatch Front area wants/needs a "church buddy", I'd be happy to hook up with you...for church, of course :p Having a friend to go with would definitely help my activity level...

3 comments:

Ben said...

Seems like you've found a relatively comfortable spot on the fence. I like the way you've put extra emphasis into living the higher principles rather than getting caught up in technicalities.

Bravone said...

I pretty much relate to most of your self description. Your take on what really matters in religion is all I can really get my arms around. Sometimes the culture is lost on me. Thanks for your thoughts.

Anonymous said...

I agree with everything you said EXCEPT I like men, not boys (oh, snap!).

Bruce and I have been talking about going to Music and the Spoken word on Sundays.

What do you think? Come with?

 
Clicky Web Analytics