WTF??

So I had an interesting conversation on facebook with a friend (meaning, in this case, someone I went to school with and was in the same ward as me, but haven't talked to her in years other than on facebook)today:

Friend: ok..I am just going to flat out ask you now instead of beating around the bush....are you gay? We have a mutual friend who asked me if I know and I did not know but they were afraid to ask you...

Me:(wondering how does one respond to that?) hmmm..... who's the friend?

Friend: lets just leave it that it is someone from the (xx) ward who is a mutual friend on facebook...

Me: (perturbed but somewhat amused) well, he/she is welcome to ask me him/herself, rather than gossiping about it

Friend: They will never ask you because they do not know you that well...I told her that I would ask you because I felt like I could and that either way it did not matter to me. Friends are friends no matter what in my opinion

Me: if they don't know me well, why do they care? sorry...it's a sensitive topic, and i hate being the subject of gossip

Friend: no..I understand where you are coming from..I am the same way. For what it is worth..she only asked me on Friday. She just knows your parents more than she knows you and was curious I guess. I told her that I felt like I could ask you.

Me: (sarcastically) yeah....it's all good. is there anything else he/she wants to know?

Friend: no..I think they already think they have it all figured out. In my mind..who cares...it's all good!!!

Me: yep...but when you pass on the info to the secret person, tell them i find it interesting that they can know intimate details about my life but I can't know who they are...and that they shouldn't assume anything about me

My reaction kind of surprised me. I'm not out to everyone, but I generally don't hide who I am. I don't really care if people know I'm gay...it's not something I'm ashamed of anymore. At the same time, I'm a pretty private person and don't usually volunteer information that isn't asked for...I keep the girls at work guessing, since they know I'm a dad, but also that I like cooking, fashion, shopping, and know next to nothing about sports. But back to my reaction...usually, if asked, I won't deny that I'm gay. This time, just the way it was asked, really pissed me off. For someone that I haven't talked to in years to ask about something so personal, because someone that barely knows me wants to know, just rubbed me the wrong way. Am I right to be upset? Or does it mean I'm not really as comfortable with myself as I think I am? Something to think about...

Friends

So I've been thinking a lot about friends lately. Somebody (I can't remember who!) wrote recently about the different kinds of friends, and yesterday I came across this post by Bravone. To sum up, I pretty much suck at making friends, and lately I suck even more at keeping them. I think I grew up keeping my distance from people, even my parents, because I didn't want them to get close enough and discover my "secret". I had friends in high school, but after that I was never very close to many of my mission companions, roommate, ward members, or neighbors. And I'm pretty much still that way, even though my secret is not so secret anymore. The weird thing is, I crave close relationships with people...so much so, that when I find someone I want to be close to I tend to overdo it and either scare them away or get too emotionally attached and end up getting hurt.

Case in point: friend #1. Met him not too long after I moved back to Utah from Seattle. Hung out and talked alot, got close, wanted more, got hurt, retreated, got close again, got hurt again. Stopped talking when he got sick of me and got a boyfriend. We recently reconnected, I helped him out with some stuff, but kept him at an emotional distance. He did something, I reacted in a way that I sincerely thought was out of love and concern for him...and got pretty much shut down for it. That hurt alot, and I was mad at myself for even letting him back into my life. I'm a very forgiving person (or just hate letting people go? glutton for punishment?) so we talk now and again...but it's just not the same. I considered him my best friend at one point...what happened?

Case in point: friend #2. Met him through another friend, thought we had pretty similar experiences and personalities. Talked alot, didn't hang out because he was away at school, got close, he came back from school and we got even closer...hung out alot, shared what was going on with us, etc. He was in the process of coming out, and I think I was an emotional support for him...introduced him to my friends, took him to meet a new (for both of us) crowd of people...and that was the end. He met other people and we talked and hung out less and less. He got a boyfriend and we pretty much stopped talking altogether. I've made attempts to keep the friendship going, but they've only backfired. It hurt for awhile, then I didn't care for awhile, and I've pretty much decided it's not worth the effort anymore. I considered him my best friend at one point...what happened?

Case in point: friend #3. Met him about a year ago, liked him alot, he kind of liked me back, but wasn't ready for anything more than friendship. I was ok with that, and we talked and hung out alot (does this sound familiar yet?) At one point we ended up messing around...which resulted in me feeling emotionally closer to him, and him pushing away slightly. We still talked, and hung out when he had time, but it was always me texting him first, and always me inviting him to hang out. Messed around a little bit more, I got closer, he got farther...and we finally had a good talk that was a long time coming. I was honest, he was honest, I was crushed but not bitter and wanted to stay friends. I took some emotional distance, and he....kind of disappeared. I'm trying to keep the friendship going, but he's a very busy guy and doesn't have alot of time. I don't want to be the one always calling and always wanting to do things...I want him to show some friend love toward me. Can't force it though, obviously, and we're drifting apart now. I considered him my best friend at one point...what happened?

This post sounds pretty negative, and I'm sure I could take more responsibility in what happened with my three friends...maybe if I were less needy, more extroverted, etc. things might be different. I do the best I can though. Luckily I have two newer friends that I feel close to and trust...hopefully I can keep those friendships positive.

First post

Real original title for this post, right? I've been wanting to do a blog for awhile now, but just haven't found the time/inspiration/motivation to get it done. I'm David, and I'm starting a fairly new phase of my life. Like most of you that will be reading this, I'm gay, LDS (Mormon), and still trying to figure out what that all means even though I started coming out about 4 years ago. I'm blogging for a few different reasons. One is because it seems like the thing to do. I was told by someone today that he doesn't know how to relate to me because I hide so much of who I am (I'll probably expand on that in another post). I'm an introvert by nature; not necessarily shy, especially once you get to know me, but I definitely put up a wall that's hard for people to get past. So maybe by writing a blog, people can get to know me better. Second, I find that I can get my thoughts out much better through writing. Along with my introvertedness, I'm not much of a spontaneous speaker and I'm usually content to just listen and make occasional comments. By writing, I can better organize what I want to say, and by putting my thoughts on paper (well, on the computer screen) I can save them and go back to them later and see if I have changed or made any progress. Third, I hope to meet new people through my blog...people who are going through the same things I'm going through, people who have already gone through it and can offer advice, and other "mohos" that have their own blogs. I'm sure I won't have too much that's original, but I would love for people to leave comments and let me know what they think about what I have to say.

And just for fun, here's one of those corny get-to-know-you questionnaire things.

Hair Color: brown, usually reddish brown, but darker lately
Eye Color: blue...yay!!
Profession: social worker
Relationship Status: broken up/single/i don't know/hopefully changing
Religious Views: LDS/complicated/believing but not too active right now
What's Your Sign?: Scorpio...is this important?
Any Siblings?: yep...I'm the oldest
Shoe size: 9 1/2...is THAT important?
Where were you born?: Salt Lake City
Innie or Outie: if I want you to know, you'll find out for yourself
Righty or Lefty?: righty
Chocolate or Vanilla: both are boring...something fruity or caramelly
Big Mac or Whopper: Whopper Jr, if I had to pick, but I'd take Arby's or Taco Bell
Coke or Pepsi : Mtn Dew!!!!!!
Beer or Wine: yuck...not a drinker, although I have been known to have an occasional Sex on the Beach
Coffee or Tea: Coffee!!!!
Breakfast or Dinner: mmmm pancakes


And that's enough of that.