Saturday, April 24, 2010

I'm not very good at being mad at people

...or disliking them, but it's alot easier and less painful than dealing with my real feelings. I was going to put that as my facebook status but i figured i could elaborate on it more here. I suppose that should be obvious to me rather than new and insightful...I mean, having worked with teenagers, part of what i did sometimes was helping them go deeper and figure out where their anger was coming from and what their real feelings were. And realizing that, i find it weird that I'm trying to use it as a coping mechanism now. It's something I usually help people avoid. I'm not very good at being mad...I usually give people the benefit of the doubt and forgive pretty quickly and apologize for things so that everyone can be happy. I hate conflict. But i'm starting to understand firsthand why people use anger. I'm tired of feeling down and depressed when people are stupid, and its alot easier to just be mad at them. It puts up a wall and masks my hurt and confusion. It puts the ball back in the other person's court and puts the responsability on them to solve the problem. Not caring means not hurting. I have a certain friend that really takes me for granted and I've been bottling up alot of feelings toward him for awhile. Last night I let them out and told him. Not in a mean way or a mad way, just straightforwardly. And now being mad at him makes it easier to cope. Instead of feeling bad and apologizing for my feelings, and texting him and asking him to not be mad at me, I just tell myself to be mad at him and let him deal with it. It feels good. Screw him, i dont need him. Of course, i dont really mean that, and I understand perfectly the feelings i'm avoiding, but its an easy way out, and thats what i need right now. And thats probably the reason behind my new "screw the world" philosophy with meeting new people...if i dont care, i dont have to make an effort, and i wont get hurt. It's just interesting that i'm using a not-usually-very-positive technique to feel better.

Monday, April 5, 2010


I crave stability in my life.  I like being spur-of-the-moment and trying random things, but I like to know that I have a safe place to go back to when I'm done, and I like knowing what is going to happen in the future.  I realized that when I feel down and depressed, it's usually because of a lack of stability.  Not that I'm unstable...I have a permanent job, a family that is a constant in my life, and the anchors of good friends and my spirituality.  But there are areas of my life that lack stability, and this affects who I am.  One example is that where I lived for the past year I never decorated or made it look homey because I knew I would be moving in a year, and it wasn't worth the emotional effort to make it a home.  Another example is that I crave a boyfriend because I know what it is like to be in a long-term relationship, and I want the stability of knowing I'm loved and that someone is there for me.  When I don't have stability or know what to expect in the future I get stressed and anxious and depressed.

Hopefully things will be a bit more stable in the near future.  Despite the stress I had about moving, things are falling into place and I'll have 3 rent-paying roommates soon.  I love the new house and desperately hope that it will be a long-term living situation.  I've kind of moved away from looking for new friends and trying to find a boyfriend...I think both of those things made life too unstable.  Reaching out to people that don't care (e.g. Ben, Nick, many BYU mohos) has taken an emotional toll.  Trying to meet guys online has not been successful.  I'm not as anxious now to meet new people and make new friends...I'm happy (for now) with what I've got and rather than focus on new people I want to focus on what I have. I want to develop and improve relationships with the people I already know (e.g. Brandon, Michaels, Scott).  Trying to make new friends with guys who don't know what they want (and have crappy social skills) isn't promoting stability for me right now. And it seems that the closest friends I have (Mike, Steve, Chris) are ones that I haven't tried to force or move along quickly. So I'm not going to be antisocial and avoid people or reject new friendships, but I'm just not going to make it a priority right now.  Feel free to get to know me, but if you don't make an effort I'm not going to either.
I didn't watch or listen to a single word of conference this weekend.  A couple of other bloggers have written that this is a sign of their escaping the clutches of the Mormon church...or at least it not being as important in their lives.  I usually watch the Priesthood session with my dad and brother, but this time my dad was out of town and I was just getting back in to town, so I missed it.  I usually at least pretend to watch the Sunday sessions at my mom's house, but they didn't get back into town til Sunday evening.  And I didn't really miss it.  I'll probably go back and read some of the talks, but I think conference tends to promote instability in me at times as well.  Many of the general authorities are kind and loving, but others are clueless about how what they say opresses people.  On the other hand, as I mentioned, my spirituality is a great source of stability for me.  Deciding to take what I want from the LDS church and fit it with who I am has made me feel loved by God.  Of course, some might say that I'm deluding myself and being led away by the devil...but oh well.
I had a great trip to Las Vegas and Death Valley this weekend.  After the move and stress at work, I needed a break.  Usually I go to Ogden and hang out with Robbie to escape reality, but I needed something more this time.  It was very relaxing and I got both the glitter and glamor of Las Vegas and the peace and serenity of nature in Death Valley.  I need more vacations.
I'm on a diet. I've never dieted before.  But I'm fast approaching the part of life that doing nothing isn't going to cut it anymore.  My clothes are getting a little bit tight and my stomach is sticking out more than I like (what a way to get the cute guys who are reading this, right?) My ex and I are doing it together, and today was the first day.  Instead of 3 big meals and snacks in between, I'm going to attempt 4 small meals and a small snack at the end of the day.  It was kind of painful today, but hopefully I'll get used to it.  Instead of eating 2000+ calories like I usually do, I ate 1410.  I'm committing to 2 weeks.  Maybe I'll even get motivated to exercise.

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