Christmas

I'm glad it's over. I'm kind of bah humbug when it comes to Christmas...I hate the crowded stores, the repetitive songs, spending money on things people don't want or need, the sudden focus on giving (until January), etc.  This Christmas wasn't bad though...I guess I shouldn't complain.  I got a nice break from work, it was fun spending time with family I don't see regularly, and it was fun seeing kids open presents. I'm not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, but I'll be glad to get the holidays behind me and get back to the swing of things.  Maybe if I had a Prince Charming to spend them with I would like the holidays better.

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Today I got to sub in Primary.  The last calling I had, two or three years ago, was being a Primary teacher.  I taught the 10 and 11 year olds, and I loved it.  They could be pretty obnoxious at times, but we had alot of fun while learning at the same time.  I miss the simplicity of the gospel that is taught in Primary.  In sharing time today, I don't remember exactly what the topic was, but the gist of the lesson was that Heavenly Father loves us. Period. Nothing else was thrown in, like "as long as you keep the commandments" or "only if you faithfully believe everything the church teaches" or "this doesn't apply if you're a guy that likes other guys."  Heavenly Father loves us because we're his children. No matter what. Maybe they should do away with Gospel Doctrine or Elders Quorum and have the primary lessons and sharing time for adults. I think it would do the church alot of good.

What do I need to be happy

This is not going to be a well-thought-out post. Just warning you. I've been feeling a mild level of suckiness for the past week or so, and it's wearing me out. It's probably just the holidays and the winter blahs. But it's honestly exhausting trying to put on a happy face every day and push the negative thoughts out of my mind. Why can't I just snap out of it, or decide I'm not going to feel that way any more? I guess my brain just doesn't work that way.

Things that would make me happy:
Having the boy I like like me back
Being able to stop liking the boy I like
Finding someone else, or even better, having them find me
Having more close friends, and not having to work so hard at keeping them
Not having to work so hard at finding friends
Being more outgoing
Being more attractive (yeah, guys stop talking to me once they see what I look like)
(dang, this list is making my eyes watery)
Having just a teeny bit more money, so I'm not living paycheck to paycheck
Being closer to my family
Waking up every morning next to someone that loves me for who I am
Having my mom and dad tell me they love me for who I am
Working at a job that I'm excited to go to every day
Having the boy I like like me back
Having the boy I like like me back

The sucky thing is that most of these things are out of my control or dependent on other people. 

Things I already have that make me happy (late Thanksgiving list?):
Sun and blue sky (sometimes)
When Mike texts me to say good morning
When Steve leans on me for support
music
my phone (G1 woot woot)
three family members that love me unconditionally, for now
cheesecake
the rare occasions that the boy I like texts me before I text him first

Anyway. I'm headed to bed. Sleep usually clears my head and helps me to start afresh.

What I Learned

So I've been seeing a counselor for the past four months or so.  One of my benefits at work is that I can see a counselor on a short-term basis for free.  I've attempted to do counseling in the past, but I haven't found a counselor that is a good fit and worth the money.  This time around though I liked the one I got.  She was affirming and nonjudgmental and easy to trust.  Anyway, today was my last session with her.  I can go back and see her if I need to, but for now we are done.  To be honest, I'm not sure how much I got out of it.  I definitely made progress, but I'm not sure if it was stuff I could have done on my own or if it was the counselor that helped me do it.  Although, that's probably the sign of a good counselor...it's me that has to make the changes and if I figure it out for myself it's likely to work better. But she facilitated the change, gave positive feedback, guided me in the right direction, etc. And it is probably helpful to have a neutral party just to talk things over with.  And I'm less depressed now that when I started, according to her assessment tools. Anyway, I wanted to write down some of the things I learned or ways that I changed so that I remember them for the future.

1.  I'm definitely an introvert, and that means I have to work harder than 75% of the rest of the world in social situations.  Making friends and becoming comfortable in social situations will move more slowly.  I need to work at developing skills that most people take for granted.

2.  I shouldn't be so hard on myself.  I should recognize both my strengths and weaknesses and build on them. I shouldn't expect everyone to like me or for results to happen quickly.  Building friendships and relationships takes time and practice.

3.  Negative self-talk serves no purpose.  Positive self-talk can help.  When I'm feeling down, I need to tell myself that the situation is temporary and will get better with a good sleep or will pass in a few days.  When I'm depressed my thinking isn't always sensible or the right way to look at things...I shouldn't make any major decisions based on how I am feeling when I'm depressed.

4.  I have good coping skills and a good support system.  Even though I tend to think negatively and be too hard on myself, I already have the skills to look at things more positively.  I have people to rely on, I'm ok with sharing my feelings, I have a good family and a few good close friends.

5.  I'm more ok now with being alone.  I used to get kind of panicky and lonely when I was home alone or by myself, and felt that I was worthless if I wasn't talking to or texting someone or had plans to look forward to, etc.  Now I can handle it better.  I definitely prefer to be with people, but I also recognize that alone time is good for me and gives me time to recharge my batteries and relax.

6.  I think (hope?) that I'm less dependent on friends or other people to make myself feel good.  I think I am better able to handle getting emotionally attached to people and move things a little more slowly. I don't get sad or down if I don't hear from R every day (even though I like to!).  Even though I have my "time of the month" where I'm more emotional and feel more lonely, I'm doing okay, and realize that it will pass.

So I guess the four months were beneficial.  I would still like to develop my social skills and be more comfortable in my own skin, but it will come.

Doing the Best I Can

Today in Elders Quorum the lesson was on Chapter 46 in the lesson manual about the martyrdom of Joseph Smith. Usually I don't get too much out of the lessons, and I sit in the back, don't say much, and think to myself how what people are saying is crap.  Yep, I go to church with a good attitude :) I had a typical thought with one of the quotes from the manual, where Joseph Smith basically said that we have to hold firm and be willing to die for the truth, and if we are afraid we will lose eternal life. My thought was, "great, I'm screwed."  That quote didn't get too much discussion in the class, though.  But the very next quote in the manual did, and it was very positive.  It was a quote from a letter that Joseph Smith wrote to Emma from Carthage Jail right before he died. The sentence that stood out and was discussed was this: “I am very much resigned to my lot, knowing I am justified and have done the best that could be done." The teacher asked if Joseph Smith was perfect, and the answer was no, he is a man and no man is perfect. He then asked if we are expected to be perfect in this life.  My thought was "yeah, so I'm screwed again..."be ye therefore perfect even as I am" and all that."  But the teacher gave a different answer.  He said that Joseph was not perfect, but he died content knowing that he did the best he could while he was here. And that it's Satan who puts thoughts in our mind that make us think we're not good enough, we'll never make it, etc. He probably didn't mean to apply it to the gay guy sitting on the back row, but why not? I think I AM doing the best I can...sure, I have things to work on, but I'm honest, I care about other people, I treat people respectfully, I love my Savior, I don't drink or smoke or drug, I'm not promiscuous, and I love my family. My goal is a monogamous relationship with someone I love. I'm doing the best I can with what I've been given.  The only difference between me and everyone else in the room is that I happen to be attracted to men. Now...some people will tell me that Satan is blinding me, and that I'm not doing the best I can. I'm taking the wrong path and selling myself short, breaking the covenants I've made, blatantly disregarding the teachings of the church, etc.  But ugh...you can't have it both ways. I feel that the gospel is a lot simpler than we make it out to be sometimes.  Maybe this is false doctrine, maybe I AM blinded, but my thinking is that if I love those around me, put myself in God's hands, and do the best I can, that I won't have too much to worry about and I can stand before the judgment bar with my head held high.  :)

Haven't posted for awhile

So maybe I've come to the point that alot of people come to...do I keep this blog going or not? I went back and re-read my first post where I wrote that I was starting the blog for three reasons:  a way for people to get to know me better, a way for me to document and organize my thoughts, and a way to get to know and/or help other people. Results so far: not sure on the first one, a success on the second one, and possibly a success on the third.  I suppose it has helped people get to know me better, but at the same time that's kind of scary. A good number of people are reading the blog, or at least dropping by, according to the stats. Especially now that it's linked to other people's blogs and it's in the "moho blog directory".  And that's good; that's the point of a blog. I'm not necessarily writing for other people, I'm writing for me (see reason number 2), but alot of people read and don't leave comments, and I want to know what they are thinking. They are getting to know me through my blog, but I've come to realize my blog generally only presents one (mostly negative) side of me. Maybe that's why I haven't posted for a couple of weeks; I don't really have too much to say. I guess I'm kind of censoring myself because I don't want to come across as a whiny negative person. Not sure if that's good or bad. Another reason maybe I haven't posted is because someone left an anonymous comment, that, while 100% true, wasn't very helpful and kind of brought me down...I wish "anonymous" would have let me know who they were and talked a bit more about it. I guess it's kind of scary to put my intimate thoughts down and not know who's commenting on them.  As far as reason number 3, I've kind of gotten to know new people through their blogs...there are a number of blogs that I look forward to reading and commenting on. But I haven't gotten to meet the people behind the blogs, and that's kind of what I hope for. I know alot of people don't want to be known though...so it's all good.

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I'm copying Boskers and drawing a cool dotted line so I can put two topics in one post :) Thanksgiving was this past week. Ugh. I have a love/hate relationship with the holidays. I definitely didn't want to do a cliched "what am I thankful for" post. I woke up in a blah mood, wishing I had someone to wake up next to, but I pretty much told myself, "shut the frick up...it's ok to be thankful for things and you could be alot worse off than you are." And it's true...I have a roof over my head, I don't go hungry, I'm healthy, I got my car back, things are going somewhat better with my boss, I have family that loves me, I have at least 4 people that I can consider close friends, and I have other friends/acquaintences that I know are supportive of me. So yeah...I'm going to count my blessings while I have them :)