ugh...stress...

Stress is getting to me.  Most of it is good stress (meaning stress resulting from positive changes) that is temporary, but it gets me overanalyzing things, which gets my bad stress going, which...you get the picture.

I'm really excited for my new living situation.  I'm going to be living with three other moho friends in a cute duplex, and saving alot of money at the same time.  Hopefully.  I have to move out by next week, and we have to all get together to sign the new lease before I can move in.  I put down a deposit, and now doubts are arising such as what if someone flakes out and doesn't want to move in...then I'm out the money.  And homeless, or responsible for a much bigger chunk of rent.  I don't have too much stuff, but I don't have a truck, and I'm probably going to have to move during the week when most people are working.  And I feel overwhelmed and don't know where to start. Ugh...I'm sure it will all turn out ok though.

I've kind of been feeling jealous and resentful toward a certain person lately, and my stress is making it flare up even more.  I'm not sure why I can't just let it go.  It's not a person that really matters...it's just an acquaintance, not even a friend.  The funny thing is that this person probably has no idea that I'm feeling resentful toward him.  And if he did, he would think it was weird, since we don't even really have a relationship other than talking a bit here and there.  If it were a friend I wouldn't have any problem talking to them about it. But I don't really feel comfortable doing that with this person. On the other hand, I need to do something, because right now it's just festering and bringing me down. Any suggestions?

Holy Positiveness, Batman!

This is more of a journal post; skip over it if you don't care about my life....hahaha that sounds alot more harsh than I meant it to...

This week was pretty blah, and I started the weekend expecting boredom and loneliness, since I'm generally a planner and I had no plans.  It actually turned out to be a really good weekend, though.  Thursday night I hung out with my crush/friend, snuggled during a movie, snuggled during the night without doing anything we shouldn't, and then I made him pancakes for breakfast and we hung out a bit more before going our separate ways. 

Saturday morning one of my future housemates and I went looking at houses, and we found one that both of us really like.  The landlord seemed to like us, so hopefully it will all work out.  We're cutting it kind of close (I have to be out of my current place in a week and a half!) but I'm starting to feel excited and not so stressed.

Saturday night I expected to spend alone, but I figured I would bug my friend/crush and see what he was up to.  I didn't want to monopolize his time, since I had just seen him, but he was just at home doing homework so I asked him if he wanted a food break. To my surprise he said yes (usually he'll say something like David it's too far for you to drive, David you don't have money to be buying me food, blah blah blah) so we ate pizza and ended up watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show. No cuddling or spending the night this time, but we both (I think) had fun.

Which brings me to a little bit of confusion.  I've known this guy for awhile and he knows I have a crush on him, and that I count him as a really good friend and have mostly given up on anything more with him.  He's a really good guy and wouldn't deliberately use me or set out to hurt me.  He was pretty clear with me a few months ago (7 I think?) that we are just friends.  So I'm not expecting or even hoping for anything from him.  BUT...I'm sort of confused.  I know people have different views on cuddling...for some it's just something to do with friends and it doesn't mean anything.  For others (like me) cuddling is something special and intimate, and I generally only do it with someone I really like.  And I definitely don't share my bed with just anyone (friends can sleep on the couch or the floor) and on the off-chance that I did share with a friend, he would be on his side and I would be on mine. No cuddling or rubbing (appropriate body parts) most of the night. No squishing into a twin bed. One wise friend, when I asked him to opine on wth he thought was going on in this guy's head, replied "That's a territory I'm not gonna explore.... And you shouldn't either. You should just go with it and not read into it."  Which is pretty much what I'm doing...like I said, not expecting or hoping for anything. But you cuddle whores out there (or anyone else who is better at me than reading signals from confusing guys, which is pretty much everyone) is there such a thing as "just" friendly cuddling in a tiny bed all night long? Does it not mean much of anything?


P.S. -- Maybe my friend/crush is just an idiot...who the f wouldn't fall for a guy that made him pancakes in the morning??!?!?! I sure would!! :D

Book Review -- What They Always Tell Us by Martin Wilson

Even though I'm a grown-up, I love teen fiction.  They are usually quick easy reads, but present fresh voices and viewpoints on current topics.  What They Always Tell Us by Martin Wilson is no different.  I'm sure I put this book on my "to read" list  because it was a teen fiction book with a gay theme.  However, when I picked it up at the library, I had honestly forgotten what it was about and why I had gotten it.  The book is written by two narrators, James and Alex, who are brothers and high school students.  James is a senior and waiting for a college acceptance letter to Duke, and Alex is a junior who recently drank Pine-Sol at a party (a suicide attempt?) and has now lost all his friends and withdrawn from everyone.  The book deals with Alex's coming out to himself and later to James, and the role that James' friend Nathen plays in it.  There are other subplots, such as James's relationships with girls and friends, and a strange boy that lives across the street whose history is somewhat of a mystery.  The book was kind of a combination of The Perks of Being a Wallflower (which I reviewed here) and Boy Meets Boy (which I haven't reviewed but is a very good book) by focusing on a social-misfit kid with a (spoiler alert from here on out) fairy-tale ending.

This book was very realistic (in the things Alex had to deal with as a (suspected) gay teen, and the way people reacted to him) but, for me, at least, was a fantasy as well.  I loved (and was jealous of, at the same time) the relationship between Nathen and Alex -- how Nathen took Alex under his wing, saw what he was good at, built on his strengths, and encouraged him to be the best person he could.  I love how Alex found Nathen at just the right time, when he needed someone the most, and thrived with his support.  It made me long to find my Nathen -- someone who genuinely cares about me as a person and makes me want to be better.  It also made me long to be someone else's Nathen -- find someone that truly needs me and that I can help grow and thrive.  So far, guys like that don't exist.

This is not a work of great literature or a deep analysis of what it means to be gay. The writing is not outstanding (in fact, the third-person present-tense gets annoying sometimes) and it's not going to be at the top of the list of good gay teen fiction.  But the characters were well-developed and I felt drawn to Alex, Nathen, James, and the other minor characters.  Oh, and the shower scene was definitely hot!  It is a good story and I want to see more of these characters...not all the loose ends were tied up, and I want to see what happens when Alex comes out to his parents and how he deals with Nathen going away to college. I recommend this book as a quick entertainment read.

A bunch of stuff

I have alot of things bouncing around in my head right now.  This week has been generally blah, but not for any specific reason.

Last weekend, with all I could have done, I ended up doing only one thing...hanging out with one (gay but non-moho) friend. I'm kind of taking a moho break, I think. Not on purpose, but now that I think about it, that's what I'm doing. I'm over the two moho crushes I had, mostly because they turned out to be not who I thought they were and really didn't make any effort to get to know me. I'm avoiding moho activities (again, not on purpose) just because I'm a bit disenchanted, I guess.  I feel like I'm too old for the college/BYU crowd but too young for the older guy crowd (if there is such a thing).  This paragraph sounds kind of whiny, but I don't mean it that way. I'm fine with it...I'm just accepting reality.  On the other hand, though, the moho scene has proven to be the best way to meet new friends, so I doubt my break will be very long.

But hanging out with my friend was awesome.  We just hung out and watched a movie, made an appearance at a "no-pants party", went back to his place, and then went to track down his drunk roommate after the previously-mentioned party apparently got busted (and who I was mad at for interrupting our cuddling!)

I'm stressed about my living situation.  I need to change it to save money.  My contract is up at the end of the month, and I've already given notice that I'm leaving.  One option would be to get a 1-bedroom apartment by myself (which doesn't sound like a money-saver, but it would be). Another option, which is what I want, is to get a 4-bedroom house with 3 other mohos.  We've looked at some places, but I don't know if things are going to come together by the end of the month. I won't be homeless if that doesn't happen, but I will need to get creative about what to do with my stuff. And I HATE moving...I don't want to have to move out of here, store my stuff somewhere, live in a temporary location for a bit, and then move again. But it would be fun to live with 3 low-maintenance guys.

This weekend was not too exciting either...I've mostly just hung out with my new best friend Redbox, because my closest friends have been busy with other things, and I haven't made the effort to look for a date or ask other people if they want to hang out.  Kind of like taking a break from the moho scene, I'm taking a break from people in general.  I'm done with wishy-washiness, excuses, and lots of work for not much benefit. I don't really want to make any new friends because it's too much work. I realized that I haven't been looking for people to date either, and don't really want to. Why bother? That sounds kind of cynical, but that's my mood right now.  I'm just focusing on the friends I have and maybe trying to get closer to friends that aren't close friends yet. But Friday night I hung out with family, and tonight I was on my own. And I didn't mind at all.

Thursday though...pure awesomeness.  On the spur of the moment I decided to take a friend some food (same friend from last weekend) at work. Disclosure: this is a friend I've been crushing on since I've known him, for about a year and a half. He knows it but doesn't want a relationship.  I've resigned myself to the fact that it's doubtful we'll ever be more than just friends.  If I said I'm over him I would be lying, but lately I've come to love him more as a best friend or brother than a potential mate.  But dang....I really do love him. Anyway, he told me to wait for him to get off work, so I just hung out at his apt while he finished and then we watched a movie.  We cuddled a bit, and by the time the movie got over it was way too late to drive home.  So he told me to sleep over, and we pretty much just cuddled the rest of the night as we slept.  The awesome thing, though, is that it didn't go any farther than that. Nothing at all to regret. I was in heaven. Ugh....if only he would recognize that I'm the one for him....

So I guess to sum up, I'm cynical but generally content in being anti-people for the moment.

I don't get many comments on my blog lately.  Is it because I'm too negative and people don't know what to say? I always appreciate constructive criticism or tactful feedback. I don't want to be a comment whore or blog just to feel validated by people's comments though.

The birds and the bees / When it rains it pours

This week i get to go to a "maturation program" with my kiddo. One memory that stands out from my childhood is when i had mine, i think in the 5th grade. Parents were invited of course, and while the girls had their program the boys got a long recess. We were all nervous about what we were going to learn. Sex (and even puberty) werent talked about in my family, so the little i knew came from more knowlegeable kids. Anyway, when it was our turn we went into the room and my dad was already in there, so i sat next to him. He didnt really say too much, and i'm sure he was as nervous as i was. We watched a movie and had the program, and it really wasnt very memorable. What stood out though, was when it was done, my dad just said bye and went home...no discussion, no asking what i thought, etc. I was left to digest the information on my own. It kind of sent the message that sex is not something we talk about, and that probably had alot to do with me hiding my gayness and never coming out to them as a teen. It wasnt to be talked about, so i was left to struggle on my own. I dont want to make the same mistake with my kids. We've never had "the discussion" but i've tried to be open and let them know that its nothing to be embarrased about.

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If youre a regular reader, you know i tend to get down and lonely when i have nothing to do or no one to hang out with, especially on the weekend. Well this weekend i've had about 6 invitations to go do various things. (I also extended one invitation and was shot down). So i have plenty to do to keep myself busy, but silly me still finds a way to feel bad. Ive had to turn down most of the invitations because they conflict with each other or because of family obligations. So i dwell on the fun that im missing out on, i somewhat resent the obligations i have and wish things were more flexible, and i worry that people will tire of inviting me to things because i turn them down. I think about how i feel when i get turned down and figure everyone else feels the same way. And even if they dont get tired or hurt, it makes me more invisible like i talked about in my last post, and they forget to invite me the next time. I mentioned this to one friend that i had to turn down, and his response was "true dat." Not very comforting :(

Usually I Like Myself, But Right Now I Don't

Meh...another kind of pity-party post...I would advise everyone to skip over it since it's mostly just my way of getting my feelings out. I'm not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me.
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I feel lonely. Lately I've gotten used to being more social and trying to put myself out there. I like it. I enjoy going to parties and meeting new people.  I actually even enjoy the small talk and sharing information when getting to know someone.  The thing is though, it generally doesn't go any farther than that.  I meet them, we become facebook friends, and that's that.  I don't know what it is about me, but people don't generally want to text or chat, let alone hang out with me, after we meet.  It's not an "eww he's weird" type of thing; I don't believe that people actually dislike or avoid me, but it's more like I become invisible.  It's like I have a forgettable personality, and when it comes time for hanging out or doing things to develop a friendship I get forgotten.  Sometimes reaching out and making an effort works -- I definitely have a few close friends, and others that are becoming closer.  I suppose I should be happy with that.  But it sucks reaching out to people and getting rejected.  Actually, it's not rejection that hurts...with rejection, I have a clear picture of where I stand.  And that rarely happens anyway.  What hurts more is indifference. And it seems like I get that alot.
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I went to a party on Saturday, and it was the type of party that I usually enjoy.  I was feeling extra introverted though, not depressed or antisocial, just introverted -- I hadn't really had time to recharge my social batteries that weekend by having some alone time, and it was showing. Things were getting to me that wouldn't usually bother me...loudness, hugs with everyone, the initial awkwardness of meeting someone new, etc.  I was just emotionally spent and didn't want to make the effort that I usually make at parties.  I had a good time seeing and talking to people that I already knew, like J and M and B and MW and MR, but after that I just felt spent and went off to sit by myself...again, not because I was feeling down or looking for attention, I just felt emotionally tired.  I guess I did feel a little bit down though...there were a couple of people there that I had met before was interested in being friends with, but (as I described above) when I reached out to them, invited them to hang out, etc., I was met with indifference.  So that made me not want to make any more effort with them, or make an effort to meet new people.  One of them came up and started talking to me, though, which made me happy and helped me relax. So maybe there's hope with him, at least. I felt invisible to the other one, though. Ugh, I hate being socially awkward and not knowing what to do about it.