Misunderstood, a Bible Verse, and a Couple of Books: Part 2, the Bible verse

In Sunday school last week the lesson was about the part of 1 Samuel where Saul becomes king, fails, and David beomes the new king and fights Goliath (for some reason I get an ironic/perverse pleasure linking to lds.org from my blog lol).  Usually the teacher is pretty good, and the ward is not uber-conservative and fairly nonjudgmental.  But this time he skipped over my freakin' favorite verse in the Old Testament and didn't even mention it!!  1 Samuel 16:7... "But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; ... for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart."  This verse gives me such comfort.  God doesn't care what I look like or how I present myself to others.  He doesn't care how other people view my actions or lifestyle (ugh, how I hate that word).  He doesn't care if a person has tattoos or body piercings, or how much money they make, or how well they dress.  Heck, he probably doesn't even care that I voted for Obama.  What He cares about is what is in my heart.  He cares that I treat others with kindness and respect.  He cares that I am honest and hard-working.  He cares that I am the best father I can be.  He cares that I love Him and worship Him in my own way, and doesn't place too much importance, I sincerely believe, on the anatomy of the person I happen to love.

There is a lot more from this lesson that demands discussion. For example, does the Lord make mistakes? (1 Samuel 15:11, the Lord says "it repenteth me that I have set Saul to be king").  I'm not sure, but I do believe an omnipotent God can change his mind about things.  Saying he can't would be limiting his power. Also, which is more important, ceremony and ritual (animal sacrifice, in this instance) or obedience?  Samuel says obedience, and I tend to agree...at least as far as what is in our hearts is more important than whether we attend church every Sunday, etc.  But this can be taken way too far, and alot of time it is.  Saul got in trouble for sparing the life of a rival king and keeping some of the animals to sacrifice.  The teacher presented this as Saul did it deliberately as an act of rebellion to make himself look better, but I'm not so sure.  The Lord knows his heart.  Might he have done it out of mercy for his enemy and love for the Lord, even though it was perhaps misguided? In any case, even though he asked forgiveness, the Lord rejected him from being king and Samuel took the rival king and "hewed [him] in pieces before the Lord."  Hmmm...the God I worship and obey is a God of mercy and love, not one that is violent and unforgiving.  Which one do you believe in?

Misunderstood, a Bible Verse, and a Couple of Books

I've had a few topics for posts bouncing around in my head for awhile, but I haven't gotten around to writing them.  So I'm just going to squish them together into one post and not elaborate too much on any of them.  Okay, wait, I changed my mind...lol...I'm going to do 3 mini-posts separately.  So read all of them and comment!! :)

Misunderstood
A couple of weeks ago I wrote to an acquaintance and asked him point-blank, "What made you blow me off after we met and not want to be friends?"  I was over the somewhat hurt feelings of extending a hand of friendship and having it rejected, and wasn't looking for an apology or pity or a passive-agressive confrontation (and I told him this).  I just wanted an honest answer, and I knew (or at least sensed) that he was the type of person that could answer this question in a constructive way.  And he did.  He gave me some very good things to think about and helped me to identify some things I could change next time I'm trying to make friends with somebody.  I appreciated his comments and wasn't hurt or angered at all by what he had to say.  BUT....his answer basically came down to "the more I read your blog the more I realize how high-maintenance you are, and I already have one high maintenance friend and can't really handle another.  And I'm not really looking for friends anyway, I'm more focused on finding a relationship."  I'm summarizing alot, and he said it in a positive, non-offensive way. But it was kind of just one more strike against blogging too much any more, especially about feelings and emotions, and double-especially when they are negative.  This acquaintance knew me through my blog and based his impressions of me completely on what I had written, rather than getting to know me better when we met in real life.  I can't really fault him for that; I suppose I would do the same thing.  The problem is, my blog is only one side of me, and lately I use my blog as a therapeutic way to get my negative emotions out.  I vent alot and seem pretty emo sometimes.  But it's not all of who I am.  I do it partly because writing is very helpful for me to get my feelings out, and also partly because I recognize that friends get tired of hearing negatives all the time...and since I don't want to burden them by venting verbally all the time, I do it pretty openly on my blog.  In real life though, I'm fairly private with my feelings and when I'm feeling down and emo I withdraw rather than burdening other people and bringing them down with me.  But most of the time I'm a very understanding person, an attentive listener, a supportive friend, and fun to be around in my own nerdy/quiet way.  So basically, what I want to say is this:  if you're a regular reader of my blog and happen to meet me in real life, don't judge me just on my blog!! Get to know me in person! I come across as a lot more emo in my blog than I do in real life, I promise!!  Yes, I can be a demanding friend, but I do it with good intentions and I'm not going to burden you with all my problems! And I'm working on being less demanding!! </rant>

I Am an Island

Wow, it's been a month since I've posted anything.  My last post alluded to my "screw the world" attitude, and that's probably the reason why.  My mood has been good overall; I've had a few down days, but nothing too significant.  I've just gotten used to being alone, and so I haven't felt the need to share anything.  I guess that has its advantages and disadvantages.  I get lonely sometimes but I have learned to rely on myself for my happiness and not be dependent on other people to feel good about myself.  I don't put up with crap from "friends" anymore since I don't really need them.  

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.

I've found activities that I can enjoy on my own:  reading, hiking, going for walks, etc.  I've focused more on the people that matter...which is mostly family.  I've been a lot less social, have skipped activities that I used to look forward to, and haven't made much of an effort to meet new people.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.

It just seems like everyone around me lets me down.  Someone I consider a close friend let me down hard yesterday.  Before I would have ignored it or excused it, but this time I confronted him on it.  He apologized, but for some reason it didn't really mean much.  Before I would have been sad and depressed, but now I'm sad and angry.  It's easiest just to withdraw.  And if I don't have friends or meet anyone to crush on, I won't get hurt.  The only thing I want to make sure of is that I don't withdraw from the people that truly care about me.  I know there are a couple of them, and I want to make sure I don't push them away.

I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.

I have some book reviews I want to post, but I think I'm just going to stay away from "feeling" posts for awhile.  I don't want to feel anymore.

I'm not very good at being mad at people

...or disliking them, but it's alot easier and less painful than dealing with my real feelings. I was going to put that as my facebook status but i figured i could elaborate on it more here. I suppose that should be obvious to me rather than new and insightful...I mean, having worked with teenagers, part of what i did sometimes was helping them go deeper and figure out where their anger was coming from and what their real feelings were. And realizing that, i find it weird that I'm trying to use it as a coping mechanism now. It's something I usually help people avoid. I'm not very good at being mad...I usually give people the benefit of the doubt and forgive pretty quickly and apologize for things so that everyone can be happy. I hate conflict. But i'm starting to understand firsthand why people use anger. I'm tired of feeling down and depressed when people are stupid, and its alot easier to just be mad at them. It puts up a wall and masks my hurt and confusion. It puts the ball back in the other person's court and puts the responsability on them to solve the problem. Not caring means not hurting. I have a certain friend that really takes me for granted and I've been bottling up alot of feelings toward him for awhile. Last night I let them out and told him. Not in a mean way or a mad way, just straightforwardly. And now being mad at him makes it easier to cope. Instead of feeling bad and apologizing for my feelings, and texting him and asking him to not be mad at me, I just tell myself to be mad at him and let him deal with it. It feels good. Screw him, i dont need him. Of course, i dont really mean that, and I understand perfectly the feelings i'm avoiding, but its an easy way out, and thats what i need right now. And thats probably the reason behind my new "screw the world" philosophy with meeting new people...if i dont care, i dont have to make an effort, and i wont get hurt. It's just interesting that i'm using a not-usually-very-positive technique to feel better.

Stability

I crave stability in my life.  I like being spur-of-the-moment and trying random things, but I like to know that I have a safe place to go back to when I'm done, and I like knowing what is going to happen in the future.  I realized that when I feel down and depressed, it's usually because of a lack of stability.  Not that I'm unstable...I have a permanent job, a family that is a constant in my life, and the anchors of good friends and my spirituality.  But there are areas of my life that lack stability, and this affects who I am.  One example is that where I lived for the past year I never decorated or made it look homey because I knew I would be moving in a year, and it wasn't worth the emotional effort to make it a home.  Another example is that I crave a boyfriend because I know what it is like to be in a long-term relationship, and I want the stability of knowing I'm loved and that someone is there for me.  When I don't have stability or know what to expect in the future I get stressed and anxious and depressed.

Hopefully things will be a bit more stable in the near future.  Despite the stress I had about moving, things are falling into place and I'll have 3 rent-paying roommates soon.  I love the new house and desperately hope that it will be a long-term living situation.  I've kind of moved away from looking for new friends and trying to find a boyfriend...I think both of those things made life too unstable.  Reaching out to people that don't care (e.g. Ben, Nick, many BYU mohos) has taken an emotional toll.  Trying to meet guys online has not been successful.  I'm not as anxious now to meet new people and make new friends...I'm happy (for now) with what I've got and rather than focus on new people I want to focus on what I have. I want to develop and improve relationships with the people I already know (e.g. Brandon, Michaels, Scott).  Trying to make new friends with guys who don't know what they want (and have crappy social skills) isn't promoting stability for me right now. And it seems that the closest friends I have (Mike, Steve, Chris) are ones that I haven't tried to force or move along quickly. So I'm not going to be antisocial and avoid people or reject new friendships, but I'm just not going to make it a priority right now.  Feel free to get to know me, but if you don't make an effort I'm not going to either.
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I didn't watch or listen to a single word of conference this weekend.  A couple of other bloggers have written that this is a sign of their escaping the clutches of the Mormon church...or at least it not being as important in their lives.  I usually watch the Priesthood session with my dad and brother, but this time my dad was out of town and I was just getting back in to town, so I missed it.  I usually at least pretend to watch the Sunday sessions at my mom's house, but they didn't get back into town til Sunday evening.  And I didn't really miss it.  I'll probably go back and read some of the talks, but I think conference tends to promote instability in me at times as well.  Many of the general authorities are kind and loving, but others are clueless about how what they say opresses people.  On the other hand, as I mentioned, my spirituality is a great source of stability for me.  Deciding to take what I want from the LDS church and fit it with who I am has made me feel loved by God.  Of course, some might say that I'm deluding myself and being led away by the devil...but oh well.
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I had a great trip to Las Vegas and Death Valley this weekend.  After the move and stress at work, I needed a break.  Usually I go to Ogden and hang out with Robbie to escape reality, but I needed something more this time.  It was very relaxing and I got both the glitter and glamor of Las Vegas and the peace and serenity of nature in Death Valley.  I need more vacations.
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I'm on a diet. I've never dieted before.  But I'm fast approaching the part of life that doing nothing isn't going to cut it anymore.  My clothes are getting a little bit tight and my stomach is sticking out more than I like (what a way to get the cute guys who are reading this, right?) My ex and I are doing it together, and today was the first day.  Instead of 3 big meals and snacks in between, I'm going to attempt 4 small meals and a small snack at the end of the day.  It was kind of painful today, but hopefully I'll get used to it.  Instead of eating 2000+ calories like I usually do, I ate 1410.  I'm committing to 2 weeks.  Maybe I'll even get motivated to exercise.