Sunday, November 21, 2010

I have alot of thoughts bouncing around in my head and I'm not quite sure how to write them down in an organized fashion. So I guess I'll just write and see where things go. 

This week was my birthday. It was pretty much just a regular day like any other, and I deliberately didn't set my expectations too high so that I wouldn't end up disappointed (like other birthdays).  Lots of people wished my happy birthday on facebook, a few called or did it in person or sent a personal text, and a couple of people invited me out to celebrate.

This weekend was good, though. It doesn't take too much to make me happy, and meeting a friend for lunch and shopping, and then hanging out with my roomies and going to see a movie was enough to put me in a good mood.  It's great living with other introverts...I can say "I'm going to take a break and be antisocial for a little while" and they'll know exactly what I mean. Usually I just keep to myself at home, but lately I think we've gotten closer as roommates and we enjoy being together.

The friend I had lunch with...I always enjoy spending time with him.  Unrequited love sucks though.  From what I can see, I have three options:  cut him off, be depressed and jealous, or love him as a best friend and brother and be happy for him. I've half-heartedly tried the first option and it isn't what I want. The second option is what I've been choosing, but it's getting old. So I'm trying for the third option.  I want to be happy that he's happy with his boyfriend. I want to be excited for him, even when he does things with his boyfriend that I wish it was me doing with him...going on a roadtrip, meeting his parents, etc. I'm honestly not to that point yet, but hopefully I'll get there. At least I know he cares about me as a friend.

I've been pretty down and depressed lately. I'm about due for another round of depression anyway, and the cold weather and the holidays are always hard for me.  My symptoms aren't as bad as they have been on other occasions, but I'm more irritible than usual, I'm sleeping a bit more than usual, I cry for no reason, I occasionally lock myself in the bathroom (for some reason that's my "safe place" when I feel too overwhelmed), I have a negative outlook on the future, and checking out permanently is always at the back of my mind (although it's not a realistic option at this point).  I've been reading up on how certain vitamins help the brain absorp antidepressants better, so I've started taking some to see if I can get them to work better. So far I'm having fewer mood swings...I don't know if it's just a placebo effect or if it's really working. We'll see what happens.

I'm going to try to get into the habit of praying more, especially when I'm feeling down.  I tried it tonight, asking for comfort from my lonliness, and it popped into my head that Heavenly Father doesn't want me to feel that way. It makes sense...he loves me and I'm sure it makes him sad to see me suffering. I guess that's my small contribution to the "it gets better" theme. So far it really hasn't for me, but if I could tell something to a young person that is suffering, it's that God doesn't hate you, he loves you with all his heart and it makes him sad that you're struggling so much. He is there with you even in your darkest moments.

That's it for now.


El Genio said...

I hope you have a few perfect Thanksgiving days this week. Eat some turkey, enjoy that crazy snow, and relax with a good book, you deserve it.

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