You don't read this blog as far as I know, so you're not actually going to read this. Unless I decide to send it to you, which I probably won't. I don't know, I don't think it would serve any purpose and just cause more drama. But I need to get my feelings out somehow. I'm giving up, and I want to let you know why.
When I first met you, I thought you were the awesomest guy in the world. Heck, until very recently I still thought that. You're still an awesome guy, but you're not the same guy you were when I met you. That's natural, of course, everyone changes, but the more recent you is hard to deal with. You're distant, you don't communicate, and you don't give any cues at all about what you're feeling or what I can do to be a good friend. You don't give me any feedback at all when I share my feelings with you. I have no idea what you're thinking, and sometimes I feel like I'm interrogating you to get any information at all from you. I hardly ever see you or hang out with you, and I don't hear from you unless I initiate contact.
You claim it's because you're so busy and because of your living situation. At first I went along with that, trying to be understanding, but I'm gonna call bullshit on that now. I'm never too busy for friends, and if they mean something to me I make time for them. Even if I've had a hectic day, I still make time to send a text or talk with them for a minute. If they want to talk and I'm busy I just let them know I'll get back to them later. If they want to hang out and I can't, I suggest another time. I generally know what they are up to and what their mood is, and they know the same about me.
If I didn't know you for as long as I have, I would think you weren't interested in being friends or were trying to blow me off. At this point I don't think that, but at the same time I don't know what to think. I guess it's just you being you. But I don't like you being you. And that realization is what has helped me decide that it's not worth my time to keep trying so hard. I never try to force my expectations onto people or expect them to change. But for awhile now all I get from you are negative emotions...or what I mean is that interacting with you generally makes me more sad/mad than happy. And that's not what friendship should be. I find myself frustrated with you most of the time because of what I wrote above...no communication, no time, no seeing you, etc. I think the straws that broke the camel's back are the time I came up to see you and you basically made me feel like crap for doing it, and last night when you knew I wanted to hang out and didn't have plans...but when your plans fell through you didn't call me or let me know. Not to be dramatic, but your actions scream "YOURE NOT THAT IMPORTANT TO ME!!"
So I'm done. If I'm totally wrong on this and am just being insensitive and a bad friend by not being more understanding, I apologize. But like I said, I have no idea what to think. I'm not going to end our friendship, but I can't keep thinking of you as a best friend and hoping that you think the same about me. It's too frustrating and I can't do it anymore. If you want to try to save things, please talk to me and let's figure out how to do it. If not, I would still appreciate some feedback from you on what I have said. It would help me with closure to understand where you are coming from. And of course we can still be texting and facebook friends if you want to.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Posted by darkdrearywilderness at 1:56 PM
Thursday, July 1, 2010
I've been meaning to write this post forever. I read two good gay-themed books lately that I want to recommend. I'll shamelessly copy the summary of each one from goodreads.com and just write some quick thoughts.
The first one is Bait by Alex Sanchez. First, the summary:
When a guy in his class looks at him funny, Diego punches him in the face, and ends up on probation. At first he wants nothing to do with his probation officer. But as Diego starts to open up, he begins to realize that Mr. Vidas is the first person in his life who ever really wanted to listen to him. With Vidas's help, Diego begins to make real progress in controlling his anger. He even opens up enough to tell Vidas about the shark tooth that his stepfather gave him that he uses to cut himself. But only if Diego can find the courage to trust Vidas with the darkest secrets from his past will he be able to heal completely.
In this bold story of a boy trying to grow beyond a painful past, award-winning author Alex Sanchez calls upon his personal experience as a probation officer to reveal the complexities of one of his most genuinely realized characters to date.
And the quick review: Alex Sanchez is one of my favorite gay YA authors, and, I would say, one of the better ones. I read his Rainbow Boys trilogy when I was coming out and it helped me alot (even though I'm not chronologically an adolescent, I still am emotionally sometimes), and all of his other books are good too. This one was a little bit different in that the main character was not gay but one of the supporting characters is. The story was somewhat predictable but the characters were well-developed and likeable. I identified with Vidas, the probation officer, since that is what I used to do. It made me really miss it and want to get back into a job where I directly help young people better their lives.
The next one is Will Grayson, Will Grayson by David Levithan and John Green. Again, the summary:
One cold night, in a most unlikely corner of Chicago, two teens—both named Will Grayson—are about to cross paths. As their worlds collide and intertwine, the Will Graysons find their lives going in new and unexpected directions, building toward romantic turns-of-heart and the epic production of history’s most fabulous high school musical.
Hilarious, poignant, and deeply insightful, John Green and David Levithan’s collaborative novel is brimming with a double helping of the heart and humor that have won both them legions of faithful fans.
And the review: This book was awesome. The premise is pretty unlikely, but I could identify just a bit with all three of the main characters, two of whom are gay and one who is straight. Will#1 has two rules for life, which I also try to follow as best I can: first, don't care, and second, shut up. Will#2 is moody, pretty straight-acting, and looking for a relationship. Tiny is way over the top, the stereotypical gay diva, but I could identify with his bad luck in love. The book is well written and has some hilarious lines.
Posted by darkdrearywilderness at 3:50 PM