Christmas

I'm glad it's over. I'm kind of bah humbug when it comes to Christmas...I hate the crowded stores, the repetitive songs, spending money on things people don't want or need, the sudden focus on giving (until January), etc.  This Christmas wasn't bad though...I guess I shouldn't complain.  I got a nice break from work, it was fun spending time with family I don't see regularly, and it was fun seeing kids open presents. I'm not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, but I'll be glad to get the holidays behind me and get back to the swing of things.  Maybe if I had a Prince Charming to spend them with I would like the holidays better.

-----------------Boskers owns the copyright to this divider--------------------

Today I got to sub in Primary.  The last calling I had, two or three years ago, was being a Primary teacher.  I taught the 10 and 11 year olds, and I loved it.  They could be pretty obnoxious at times, but we had alot of fun while learning at the same time.  I miss the simplicity of the gospel that is taught in Primary.  In sharing time today, I don't remember exactly what the topic was, but the gist of the lesson was that Heavenly Father loves us. Period. Nothing else was thrown in, like "as long as you keep the commandments" or "only if you faithfully believe everything the church teaches" or "this doesn't apply if you're a guy that likes other guys."  Heavenly Father loves us because we're his children. No matter what. Maybe they should do away with Gospel Doctrine or Elders Quorum and have the primary lessons and sharing time for adults. I think it would do the church alot of good.

What do I need to be happy

This is not going to be a well-thought-out post. Just warning you. I've been feeling a mild level of suckiness for the past week or so, and it's wearing me out. It's probably just the holidays and the winter blahs. But it's honestly exhausting trying to put on a happy face every day and push the negative thoughts out of my mind. Why can't I just snap out of it, or decide I'm not going to feel that way any more? I guess my brain just doesn't work that way.

Things that would make me happy:
Having the boy I like like me back
Being able to stop liking the boy I like
Finding someone else, or even better, having them find me
Having more close friends, and not having to work so hard at keeping them
Not having to work so hard at finding friends
Being more outgoing
Being more attractive (yeah, guys stop talking to me once they see what I look like)
(dang, this list is making my eyes watery)
Having just a teeny bit more money, so I'm not living paycheck to paycheck
Being closer to my family
Waking up every morning next to someone that loves me for who I am
Having my mom and dad tell me they love me for who I am
Working at a job that I'm excited to go to every day
Having the boy I like like me back
Having the boy I like like me back

The sucky thing is that most of these things are out of my control or dependent on other people. 

Things I already have that make me happy (late Thanksgiving list?):
Sun and blue sky (sometimes)
When Mike texts me to say good morning
When Steve leans on me for support
music
my phone (G1 woot woot)
three family members that love me unconditionally, for now
cheesecake
the rare occasions that the boy I like texts me before I text him first

Anyway. I'm headed to bed. Sleep usually clears my head and helps me to start afresh.

What I Learned

So I've been seeing a counselor for the past four months or so.  One of my benefits at work is that I can see a counselor on a short-term basis for free.  I've attempted to do counseling in the past, but I haven't found a counselor that is a good fit and worth the money.  This time around though I liked the one I got.  She was affirming and nonjudgmental and easy to trust.  Anyway, today was my last session with her.  I can go back and see her if I need to, but for now we are done.  To be honest, I'm not sure how much I got out of it.  I definitely made progress, but I'm not sure if it was stuff I could have done on my own or if it was the counselor that helped me do it.  Although, that's probably the sign of a good counselor...it's me that has to make the changes and if I figure it out for myself it's likely to work better. But she facilitated the change, gave positive feedback, guided me in the right direction, etc. And it is probably helpful to have a neutral party just to talk things over with.  And I'm less depressed now that when I started, according to her assessment tools. Anyway, I wanted to write down some of the things I learned or ways that I changed so that I remember them for the future.

1.  I'm definitely an introvert, and that means I have to work harder than 75% of the rest of the world in social situations.  Making friends and becoming comfortable in social situations will move more slowly.  I need to work at developing skills that most people take for granted.

2.  I shouldn't be so hard on myself.  I should recognize both my strengths and weaknesses and build on them. I shouldn't expect everyone to like me or for results to happen quickly.  Building friendships and relationships takes time and practice.

3.  Negative self-talk serves no purpose.  Positive self-talk can help.  When I'm feeling down, I need to tell myself that the situation is temporary and will get better with a good sleep or will pass in a few days.  When I'm depressed my thinking isn't always sensible or the right way to look at things...I shouldn't make any major decisions based on how I am feeling when I'm depressed.

4.  I have good coping skills and a good support system.  Even though I tend to think negatively and be too hard on myself, I already have the skills to look at things more positively.  I have people to rely on, I'm ok with sharing my feelings, I have a good family and a few good close friends.

5.  I'm more ok now with being alone.  I used to get kind of panicky and lonely when I was home alone or by myself, and felt that I was worthless if I wasn't talking to or texting someone or had plans to look forward to, etc.  Now I can handle it better.  I definitely prefer to be with people, but I also recognize that alone time is good for me and gives me time to recharge my batteries and relax.

6.  I think (hope?) that I'm less dependent on friends or other people to make myself feel good.  I think I am better able to handle getting emotionally attached to people and move things a little more slowly. I don't get sad or down if I don't hear from R every day (even though I like to!).  Even though I have my "time of the month" where I'm more emotional and feel more lonely, I'm doing okay, and realize that it will pass.

So I guess the four months were beneficial.  I would still like to develop my social skills and be more comfortable in my own skin, but it will come.

Doing the Best I Can

Today in Elders Quorum the lesson was on Chapter 46 in the lesson manual about the martyrdom of Joseph Smith. Usually I don't get too much out of the lessons, and I sit in the back, don't say much, and think to myself how what people are saying is crap.  Yep, I go to church with a good attitude :) I had a typical thought with one of the quotes from the manual, where Joseph Smith basically said that we have to hold firm and be willing to die for the truth, and if we are afraid we will lose eternal life. My thought was, "great, I'm screwed."  That quote didn't get too much discussion in the class, though.  But the very next quote in the manual did, and it was very positive.  It was a quote from a letter that Joseph Smith wrote to Emma from Carthage Jail right before he died. The sentence that stood out and was discussed was this: “I am very much resigned to my lot, knowing I am justified and have done the best that could be done." The teacher asked if Joseph Smith was perfect, and the answer was no, he is a man and no man is perfect. He then asked if we are expected to be perfect in this life.  My thought was "yeah, so I'm screwed again..."be ye therefore perfect even as I am" and all that."  But the teacher gave a different answer.  He said that Joseph was not perfect, but he died content knowing that he did the best he could while he was here. And that it's Satan who puts thoughts in our mind that make us think we're not good enough, we'll never make it, etc. He probably didn't mean to apply it to the gay guy sitting on the back row, but why not? I think I AM doing the best I can...sure, I have things to work on, but I'm honest, I care about other people, I treat people respectfully, I love my Savior, I don't drink or smoke or drug, I'm not promiscuous, and I love my family. My goal is a monogamous relationship with someone I love. I'm doing the best I can with what I've been given.  The only difference between me and everyone else in the room is that I happen to be attracted to men. Now...some people will tell me that Satan is blinding me, and that I'm not doing the best I can. I'm taking the wrong path and selling myself short, breaking the covenants I've made, blatantly disregarding the teachings of the church, etc.  But ugh...you can't have it both ways. I feel that the gospel is a lot simpler than we make it out to be sometimes.  Maybe this is false doctrine, maybe I AM blinded, but my thinking is that if I love those around me, put myself in God's hands, and do the best I can, that I won't have too much to worry about and I can stand before the judgment bar with my head held high.  :)

Haven't posted for awhile

So maybe I've come to the point that alot of people come to...do I keep this blog going or not? I went back and re-read my first post where I wrote that I was starting the blog for three reasons:  a way for people to get to know me better, a way for me to document and organize my thoughts, and a way to get to know and/or help other people. Results so far: not sure on the first one, a success on the second one, and possibly a success on the third.  I suppose it has helped people get to know me better, but at the same time that's kind of scary. A good number of people are reading the blog, or at least dropping by, according to the stats. Especially now that it's linked to other people's blogs and it's in the "moho blog directory".  And that's good; that's the point of a blog. I'm not necessarily writing for other people, I'm writing for me (see reason number 2), but alot of people read and don't leave comments, and I want to know what they are thinking. They are getting to know me through my blog, but I've come to realize my blog generally only presents one (mostly negative) side of me. Maybe that's why I haven't posted for a couple of weeks; I don't really have too much to say. I guess I'm kind of censoring myself because I don't want to come across as a whiny negative person. Not sure if that's good or bad. Another reason maybe I haven't posted is because someone left an anonymous comment, that, while 100% true, wasn't very helpful and kind of brought me down...I wish "anonymous" would have let me know who they were and talked a bit more about it. I guess it's kind of scary to put my intimate thoughts down and not know who's commenting on them.  As far as reason number 3, I've kind of gotten to know new people through their blogs...there are a number of blogs that I look forward to reading and commenting on. But I haven't gotten to meet the people behind the blogs, and that's kind of what I hope for. I know alot of people don't want to be known though...so it's all good.

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I'm copying Boskers and drawing a cool dotted line so I can put two topics in one post :) Thanksgiving was this past week. Ugh. I have a love/hate relationship with the holidays. I definitely didn't want to do a cliched "what am I thankful for" post. I woke up in a blah mood, wishing I had someone to wake up next to, but I pretty much told myself, "shut the frick up...it's ok to be thankful for things and you could be alot worse off than you are." And it's true...I have a roof over my head, I don't go hungry, I'm healthy, I got my car back, things are going somewhat better with my boss, I have family that loves me, I have at least 4 people that I can consider close friends, and I have other friends/acquaintences that I know are supportive of me. So yeah...I'm going to count my blessings while I have them :)

What's important to me

I saw this on another blog and thought it was kind of cool...anyway, this is a word cloud using all the words from all my posts thus far. Interesting, no?

http://www.wordle.net/show/wrdl/1340679/Untitled

It freaking sucks loving someone who doesn't love you back; or, This weekend BLOWS!

This is going to be a pity-party post, so I would advise most people to just skip right over it...ok, if you're still reading, consider yourself warned.

This weekend pretty much sucks. My car got stolen yesterday, today I found out on facebook that the man of my dreams is now "in a relationship", and Monday is my birthday and I've done absolutely NOTHING fun to celebrate it, since I have no one to celebrate it WITH! (other than family...they took me out for pizza today).  Anyway...I'm not going to vent like I thought I was going to...I don't really feel like it and it won't do any good anyway. My insurance company gave me a rental car (a jeep!) and seem to be easy to work with so far, gonna have a family b-day party tomorrow and I'm sure the girls I work with will take me out to lunch on Monday, and I can probably do better than the man of my dreams anyway.  I wasn't going to talk trash about him, just because I don't have any trash to talk, but I was going to go on and on about how unfair it is, how much he hurt me, how much of a loser I am, blah blah blah. We got in a big argument after I confronted him, and I felt like crap after. It brought up all my insecurities, etc...but I don't want to talk about that anymore, or rant like a drama queen. Won't do any good, and looking back I probably overreacted anyway.  He's a good guy and still wants to be friends...yeah, it hurts that his heart belongs to someone else, but that someone else is damn lucky to have him.

Being Positive

A week or so ago me and my friend UTMOHO were talking about how we mostly blog when we're down and depressed or something is going wrong and we need to vent.  Alot of people stop blogging altogether when they are past their "crisis stage" of mohodom.  He said, "Well I'll be blogging for eternity then!" and I said, "well I'll be reading for eternity then!"  But most of my posts are somewhat negative, and the name and layout of my blog are pretty emo.  Earlier in the week I was kind of feeling down about not fitting in with some of the moho cliques and not getting invited to stuff, but most of the week has gone pretty well. Work is somewhat better; my bosses still suck but we moved to a brand new office building that's really nice.  The weather has been awesome.  Working on not being so needy is going well, I think.  I've got (what I consider to be) three close friends that I talk to alot; one I don't see much since he's busy with school and two jobs and his fraternity, one that I see even less since he lives far (and doesn't make time for me when he's up here...grrrrr...lol), and one that is pretty busy too but we hang out alot and make time for each other.  So all in all, things are pretty ok for now.

Where I Am in My Journey

I guess I'm a day late posting on the October Mohosphere theme, but I wanted to write a bit for it...here we go: 

How did I get to where I am today?
Ummm...where am I today? I guess I'm at a different place than I was a year ago, and at a very different place than I was 4 or so years ago.  I haven't posted my coming out story, and I'm not going to go into that too much right now, but 5 years ago I was in control of my life, or so I thought. My secrets were carefully tucked away and didn't cause me great concern. I wasn't truly happy, but I wasn't sad either. Depression wasn't an issue. I didn't realize at that time what love really was, even though I was in a significant relationship, but I was coasting along fine.  Then "IT" happened...and the secrets and feelings that were bottled up inside exploded, causing a significant re-examination of where I was and where I wanted to go.  Depression, pain, and sorrow were the result.  Then came a long period of questioning, thinking, and self-examination. And that's where I am now...toward the end of that period, and figuring out where to go from here and how to make that happen.

Am I happy with where I am?
Meh. Some days yes, other days no. I've got a few good friends, I've learned some important lessons, and I'm getting a picture of where I want to go. Probably more stressful days than completely happy days. Not out to all of my family, but I'm pretty sure the rumors have gotten around.  Not out at work, but I keep people guessing. But I want more...where's this exciting, glamorous gay lifestyle I was cautioned against??! :p

Where do I see myself in the future?
Life is never either/or, but I think my life can take one of two possible paths...I can find my Prince Charming and settle down and live happily ever after, or I can grow increasingly bitter and eventually become one of those lonely, slightly creepy single older guys that all wards have.  Hopefully it's the first path. I've mostly come to terms with being a gay Mormon (the church is important to me and I mostly believe in it, although I can't both fully comply with its teachings and be honest about who I am), and I want to have a strong monogamous relationship with a loving guy while having good morals and helping others. I'll need lots of luck...

What roadblocks do I have and have overcome?
Family is one to be overcome...not that it's a roadblock, but more of an issue that still needs to be dealt with. My sexual preference is the elephant in the room...it's there, but maybe if we ignore it long enough it will go away.  Maybe it's just a phase. Maybe I just need to pray more or be more active in church. Oh well...I've been dealing with this alot longer than my family has...hopefully they will come around. At least they haven't kicked me out of the family and told me not to come back.  Other roadblocks...emotional immaturity, social retardation, etc., etc....all the good stuff that goes along with being a gay Mormon.

What advice do I have for others following my path?
I'm a strong believer in everyone having their own path to follow.  What's right for me isn't necessarily right for someone else, and just because it didn't work a certain way for me doesn't mean it won't work for you. If I had to do things over again, I would come out alot earlier than I did. I think there is alot more in place now for people to come out and be supported, and I think that by not coming out sooner I did significant damage to my emotional well-being and self-esteem.  I wish I would have come out in high school or shortly after.  Other advice...be completely honest with yourself and others, don't feel pressured to make decisions quickly, don't judge others that are on a different path or in a different place, and keep in mind that even though people will make you feel like you are evil, confused, or wrong, your Father loves you no matter what.

Advice for family and friends
Be open-minded. Don't judge. Think before you speak. Realize that your loved one has likely gone through significant emotional and mental turmoil to get to where he/she is now. We need support from people that love us. We don't need to be "tolerated".  This isn't a phase. This is who I am, and it's been a long journey for me to come to that conclusion. There is no such thing as a "gay lifestyle", just like there isn't a "straight lifestyle." Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I'm a danger to children or a menace to society. I don't want to have sex with every guy I see. If you're straight, you don't have to worry about me hitting on you. Just love me and accept me for who I am.  Come on, it's 2009...you're stuck in the past if you're going to hate someone for who they love.

Suffering

It's Sunday morning...rather than clean my house or pay bills like I need to, let's talk religion. Again, this is not a well-thought-out essay, but rather just some random thoughts that have been going through my mind this morning.

The topic of today's sermon is suffering. All of us suffer to some extent, no one's life is perfect every minute of every day. Suffering is just part of the human condition. Those of us that are LDS have it ingrained in us...suffering is a big part of our church history, and we are taught that suffering can make us stronger. We should almost welcome it, and "enduring to the end" will bring us rewards. Those of us that are mohos go through alot of mental and emotional suffering as well, trying to balance our spiritual beliefs with our biological condition. Some of us handle it well, others not so well.

As I may or may not have mentioned in previous posts, my underlying philosophy about God is that he is literally a loving father. I don't claim to be a better parent than Heavenly Father, but I figure that he loves us the same way I love my children. He is just and merciful. Just as I would never deliberately bring suffering upon my children, I don't believe that he deliberately brings suffering upon us. But I also think God is a lot more "hands-off" sometimes as well...he doesn't cause suffering, but he doesn't prevent it from happening either. Applying this to being gay, I don't think that God deliberately made me gay to challenge me or make me stronger. He may have had a purpose for it, but it wasn't to make me suffer.

Just because God doesn't stop suffering from happening, I don't think he particularly enjoys seeing it happen. Do I think God could step in and stop a tsunami from happening? Definitely, I believe he is all-powerful. Do I think God could miraculously change someone from gay to straight? Sure...who am I to say that it can't happen or hasn't happened? But I don't think that God steps in and influences our lives as much as people think. He lets life take its course. And sometimes that means watching us suffer. It's not that he doesn't care; I believe that he knows the intimate details of everyone's lives. But even God has laws that bind him (e.g. the principle of free agency), and maybe letting life happen is one of them.

So is suffering inevitable? Yeah, probably. Do we have to just take it and "endure to the end", suffering through life? No way. I think we as church members put ourselves in the victim role far too often. I think we put ourselves in God's hands way too often (even though that's not necessarily a bad thing), and don't do enough for ourselves. Maybe that's callous, or even blasphemous, to not want to wait around for God to ease my suffering...after all, he loves me and doesn't want me to suffer. But I'm also not going to wait around for my earthly dad to bail me out of my problems...I'm competent enough to make my own choices and find my own solutions. I kind of even think that God doesn't necessarily even CARE if I'm gay or straight. But he does care about my happiness, and he cares how I handle myself and treat other people.

Anyway, just some random thoughts, maybe some of which contradict each other. I wasn't sure what direction this was going to go when I started writing. But to summarize, I believe God loves us no matter what, and he doesn't deliberately make us suffer. It's just a part of life. It's not a punishment, and it's not a blessing either.

It's me: a poem

I’m in a different mood right now.
Not depressed but kind of lonely, not sad but wanting more.
Stuck and not sure how to get unstuck?
Melancholy

A lot on my mind, definitely...
suicide (not my own, don’t worry)
the future (yes, my own…I worry)
Balancing being self-confident and confronting my awkwardness
loving but not being loved back,
wanting but not being wanted back


Wondering
h
y.....


I’m a good person. I think I would want me...
Loyal, caring, kind
Not high maintenance (usually), pretty easygoing (too much?)
Not a young twink or a body-building hunk, but not ugly either
I’m trying to focus on being confident and ignore when my brain tries to talk me out of it

But this is reality:
Few close friends. Am I socially awkward?
No significant other. Do I drive people away? Or not attract them in the first place?
No invitations for dates. Not many invitations to parties or to hang out. Mostly turned down when I do the inviting.
Is it my fault or theirs? What do I do different?
I think I’m too needy
I crave closeness, but don’t know how to get it
I get too attached, and people don’t like that
I feel like I bother certain people too much

And it’s a vicious cycle...

I’m confident. I ignore my negativity and confront my awkwardness.
I try.
I fail.
I get hurt.
I don’t want to try anymore.
I lose confidence and become awkward.
I pull away.
I feel lonely, and it’s my own fault.

And it’s a vicious cycle...
loving but not being loved back,
wanting but not being wanted back

Religious and other freedoms...

This is not necessarily a well-thought out opinion paper that could be presented or published, but it is my reaction toward the now-infamous talk by Elder Oaks about religious freedom. I’ll just jump right in…

I didn’t find anything to disagree with at the beginning of the talk. In fact, I was thinking, “how is any of this controversial?” The Constitution, religious freedom, protecting the rights of “all flesh”, democracy, and popular sovereignty are all good things that should be protected. It seemed like the thesis of his talk was this: “This principle of sovereignty in the people explains the meaning of God’s revelation that He established the Constitution of the United States “that every man may act . . . according to the moral agency which I have given unto him, that every man may be accountable for his own sins in the day of judgment” (Doctrine and Covenants 101:78).” But from there, it seemed like most of what he said refuted this idea rather than supported it.

Elder Oaks seems to believe that religious freedom trumps the rest of the Bill of Rights, including freedom of speech. He states that “during my lifetime I have seen a significant deterioration in the respect accorded to religion in our public life, and I believe that the vitality of religious freedom is in danger of being weakened accordingly” and bases the rest of his talk on this belief. He doesn’t really give any examples of how it is being weakened, though, other than the Proposition 8 debacle. In fact, he states that “religious freedom has always been at risk.” Could it be that it is no more at risk now than it has been in the past?

I sensed something going wrong when he mentioned “newly alleged” civil rights. This was my “uh-oh, where is this going?” moment. As I read on, it seemed like by “newly alleged” he meant silly, wrong, or false. When he talked about the newly alleged “civil right” of same-sex couples to get married, with the quotation marks in the written copy of the talk, I felt sad and let down. Elder Oaks had spent the first part of his talk outlining the greatness of the Constitution and how it was the first document to guarantee the rights of religion, free speech, etc. (in other words, “newly alleged” civil rights at the time of its writing), and was now moving toward pitting one minority group against another. He totally lost me when he said “Those who seek to change the foundation of marriage should not be allowed to pretend that those who defend the ancient order are trampling on civil rights.” In other words, not only can the other side not express an opinion, they should be barred from having the opinion in the first place (or retaliated against if they do have an opinion?) It is this, and the condescending tone of the entire second half of the talk, that upset me rather than the silly comparison between what the church is going through now and what African-Americans experienced during the pre-civil rights era.

To support the wrongness of those that are anti-religion and pro-gay marriage (for him, the two viewpoints are one and the same), he concludes by talking about “Christian principles of human worth and dignity” and quotes that “It was Jesus who first stated that all men are created equal [and] that every person . . . is valued and loved by God.” Funny, I would use the same arguments, along with “love one another” and Elder Oaks’ previous statements about our God-given right of popular sovereignty and free agency, to support giving two people that love each other the right to marry regardless of gender. Is there something I’m missing?

Shocking Revelation!! I'm a Woman!!!

...at least when it comes to friendships. From time to time I'm going to blog about books I read, especially if they pertain to me as an introverted gay mormon guy. Sorry to disappoint my readers, but I won't be reviewing Twilight (but Go Team Jacob!!!!) Anyway, I picked up a book that looked interesting called Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend by Irene S. Levine, Ph.D. Chapter 1 is called "Understanding Female Friendships", but it could also be called "Understanding David's Friendships With People Gay and Straight." She talks about a Friendship Pyramid, with a big group of Casual Friends making up the base (people you know but don't really know well, linked to you by situational circumstance), a middle area of Good Friends (friends that you feel close to, hang out with, and spend more time with...but lack the intimacy and closeness that typifies a best friendship), and a small area of Best Friends at the top. She states that "compared to male friendships, female friendships tend to be far more intense and intimate...women are more likely to provide each other with emotional support, while men tend to share companionship and activities." In a female relationship, the main ingredient that "turns acquaintances into good friends and good friends into best friends" is "the willingness of two women to become increasingly open with each other, to reveal their true selves."

So I'm a woman when it comes to friendships. I like intimacy in my friendships. I like people that can give me emotional support when I need it and come to me for support when they need it. I'm not the most open person in the world, but I like having friends that I can tell my secrets to, and when people are open with me I feel much closer to them. I like to know what's going on with my friends and what they are thinking and feeling at any given moment.

How does this affect my relationships with people? First off, maybe it's why I in general I can get closer to females than males in day-to-day relationships. My best friend in high school was a girl, I hang out with the girls at work rather than the guys, and I prefer a female authority figure (boss, teacher, etc.) to a male one. Wanting emotional closeness naturally brings me closer to females and pushes me away from males. That's probably why I have a hard time having good friendships with straight guys at work or at church...I get nothing from them emotionally, intimacy pushes straight guys away, and we don't have alot of commonality in the activities we like. What about relationships with gay guys? Depends on the guy I guess...I think I am realizing that just because a guy is gay, it doesn't make him a female-type friendship guy. I would say that the two guys I am closest to right now both look for the same things in a friendship that I do. But I think that the friends I talk about in this post (at least Friend #1 and especially Friend #3)are more male-type friendships guys. We have one big thing in common, our sexuality, and we also share other interests. That was enough to move them into the Good Friends category. But where I wanted to move the friendship up to the next level, they balked and I got hurt. Emotional intimacy scared them, I wasn't getting my emotional needs met, and the friendships suffered. So now that I have come to this realization, here's a topic for discussion...what do I do differently to better my relationships and be able to form Good or even Best Friendships with straight guys and "male-type friendship" gay guys?

The (Obligatory?) Conference Post

So Conference...wonderful Conference. There will probably be a mix of blogs from people who thought it was just awesome, others who disagree with alot of what was said, and others who don't care one way or the other. I went to the Priesthood session with my dad and brother-in-law (family tradition) and watched the Sunday morning session while cleaning and straightening (and listened pretty well!) Then lunch at mom's and watch the afternoon session together (another family tradition). Honestly, I didn't get too much out of it. I think that's mostly because I'm much more of a visual learner...listening to talk after talk numbs my mind, and I get alot more out of the talks if I read them. But I think I'm also just not that spiritual of a guy anymore. I did like some of what I heard ..it seemed like there was somewhat of a focus on being kind to each other, not getting angry, respecting each other, having charity, etc. But now that I'm not a "typical" church member anymore, it made me realize how tailored the church is to the upper-middle-class two-parent family, and anyone who doesn't fit that description can't enjoy all the blessings of the gospel. What about the single mom, the lady who hasn't found anyone to marry her, the kid whose dad is in jail, etc. And of course, the gay guy. We're all kind of on the outskirts of a church that is focused on the perfect family. Not that the family isn't a good thing to focus on, of course it is, but as the church expands it's going to have to address the needs of us non-typical members. Anyway, this is kind of turning into a rant so I'll stop here. Thoughts?

Tough Week

This has been a pretty tough week. Thankfully I have been pretty in control emotionally, so I'm not feeling depressed or hopeless; some of the stuff that has happened may actually be a blessing in disguise. This will be more of a journal entry post; not too much analysis or insight this time.

Work sucks. Absolutely sucks. A couple of months ago my awesome awesome boss retired and things got restructured. She was pretty much the glue holding everything together, and things have gone downhill fast. My new boss is controlling, paranoid, vindictive, and holds grudges. He hated my old boss, and now we are being punished simply for who we used to work for. And the director of the office supports him. Communication is no longer valued, building on people's strengths doesn't matter, backstabbing is encouraged, and the only way to get favor with the boss is to suck up. I'm used to working in an environment where I get my work done and let its quality speak for itself, and I'm respected for my knowledge and work ethic. I have NEVER had my commitment to my job questioned or been told that a monkey can do my job, but that is what happened this week. I don't want to get into specifics, because I'll just get more pissed off, but my boss is a bully and I'm done with that place. I'm looking for a new job, maybe with the state and maybe not. I'm not going to quit or do anything rash before I have something else lined up, but I've already applied for two other state jobs that look interesting and challenging. Or I might try to find something in the private sector that can help me reach my dream of getting my LCSW, and becoming a counselor for gay youth. We'll see....

On the moho front, I had the pleasure of getting rejected 3 times in one night. Woo hoo! It bruised my ego a bit but I didn't care too much. Unfortunately, I'm used to it. One stopped talking to me after I sent him a picture, the second no longer wanted to meet (yes, just MEET) after he found out that I wasn't compatible with his sexual inclinations (good riddance), and the third was a guy I had gone out with 3 times that told me he wasn't interested anymore and that we didn't click. Ugh. Hooray for me. I'm not a model by any means, I don't have the looks of a porn star, but I don't think I'm ugly either. I'm introverted and it can be hard to get to know me, but I have an awesome personality, at least I think so! I have no clue what it is about me that pushes people away, and I talked to a friend about it and he doesn't have an answer either. Today I got to spend some time with friend #3, and it felt a little awkward but it was also good. It was fun to catch up and hear what he's been up to. At the same time though, it reminded me of the good times and made me sad that we don't have that anymore. He's the kind of guy I want to spend the rest of my life with, and guys like that are few and far between :(

Positives of the week...got to meet and hang out with a friend that I've been texting and facebooking for awhile, but hadn't met in person. He and his boyfriend were awesome and I had alot of fun. And I'm super excited for a family FHE tomorrow with these friends. Hopefully this week will be better :)

The "Mo" Part

So let’s talk about the “mo” part of being a moho…it is Sunday, after all. Sunday morning, specifically, and I’m getting ready to go to church. Church, you say? Why would a gay Mormon want to go to a church that at best tolerates his presence? Good question, and I’m not sure that I know the answer. First, some background. I was raised to be a good Mormon boy in a strong Mormon family -- lots of kids, parents consistently voted Republican, church every Sunday and activities during the week, and FHE and scripture study when we were motivated. There was never any question that I would serve a mission and go to BYU. I served in the leaderships of my Aaronic priesthood quorums, graduated from 4 years of seminary, and never drank or smoked or had sex. I’m sure this sounds fairly similar to a lot of people reading this blog; I’m not the only good-Mormon-but-gay-boy out there. Of course, I always knew I liked boys, and knew that this didn’t really mesh with what the church taught. Unlike a lot of people, though, I have never really had a “spiritual crisis” -- the cognitive dissonance has always been there but it hasn’t really bothered me. I’m not sure if that’s because I am a fence sitter, unwilling to commit to either side, or I think that I can “serve two masters” and have one foot in the church and the other in the “gay world”. What emotional effect does it have on me? It’s true I’m not outwardly committed to either side. My attendance at church is hit or miss, I’m not a regular pray-er or scripture reader anymore, I like my morning coffee, and I vote Democrat more often than not ;) But for the most part, I believe in what the church teaches, even the things that set us apart from most other Christian denominations. On the other hand, I’m not the typical gay guy living the “gay lifestyle” that my parents are so afraid of. Still no smoking or drinking, not really into promiscuity, I like to look good but don’t have the money or inclination to be fashion-obsessed, and the club is fun every once in a while but I don’t have to be there every weekend. But there’s no question that I’m gay; that’s an issue that was resolved a long time ago. Well, time to go to church…let’s see if I have an epiphany during the two hours I’m there.

Nope, no epiphany…same as always. Sit in the back, don’t talk to anyone unless they talk to me first, etc. When I don’t go I feel like something is missing, when I do go I feel like I don’t quite fit. In Elder’s Quorum we talked about chapter 41 in the lesson book about doing temple work for the dead, and alot of emphasis was on the importance of keeping records, and how in the early days of the church alot of ordinances had to be done over because they weren't recorded or witnessed correctly. One quorum member brought up that his grandpa, at age 90, had to be baptized again because no one could find his baptism date, even though he had been married in the temple, etc. My thoughts were along the lines of "why the h are people so worried about it? God knows what has been done, so why stress?" And I think that pretty much sums up my philosophy toward church. I believe in a God that loves me unconditionally, no matter what, just like I would love my children no matter what they do or what they become. God knows my heart, and He knows that I'm a good person and loves me even though I'm gay. I believe in the simple basics of the gospel...love one another, serve others, treat them the way I want to be treated. I don't care so much about the rest. I figure if I live my life the best I can, respect myself and others, and be the best dad in the world, that everything will work out in the end. God loves me, he died for me, and that's all that matters. I guess that's my gay testimony, in the name.....

PS...if anyone in the Wasatch Front area wants/needs a "church buddy", I'd be happy to hook up with you...for church, of course :p Having a friend to go with would definitely help my activity level...

Two Parties, One Tux, and a Very Short Film About The Grapes of Wrath

I'm a big reader, and I like reading books with gay characters. Two of my favorite book blogs are I'm Here. I'm Queer. What the Hell Do I Read? which mostly deals with YA fiction with a gay theme and ideas for GSA groups, and BoyWithBooks.com written by a gay college student. So I figure that I might as well talk about some of the books I read on my blog too. And I'll put the standard Spoiler Alert Warning here.

I recently read a humorous book with an awesome title, Two Parties, One Tux, and a Very Short Film About The Grapes of Wrath by new author Steven Goldman. The book is written from the point of view of Mitchell, a socially awkward high school junior whose best (and pretty much only) friend David comes out to him one day at lunch in the school cafeteria. David is on the baseball team, goes to parties, and drinks occasionally, and fits in well with the popular crowd, but prefers hanging out with Mitchell. The two of them participate in high school adventures together (getting ready for the Junior Prom, getting in trouble for making a racy claymation movie for English class, and dealing with sensitive bully Louis), and David's coming out is only one part of the story.

Mitchell seems kind of shocked about the whole thing, and doesn't really know what to think or how to react. It definitely affects their relationship for a bit, but he still talks to David and considers him his best friend. In fact, they double-date to the Prom, both taking girls. Mitchell initially wonders if he might be gay also, and bully Louis insinuates that he is since he spends so much time with David. He soon puts this thought to rest, however. Things get even more confusing when Mitchell and David realize that David is essentially in love with Mitchell, although David knows that nothing can ever come of it. The book ends on a happy note, with the boys staying friends.

Since the story was written from the point of view of Mitchell, the straight one, the reader sees David's struggles with being gay through Mitchell's eyes. This worked somewhat well, but I would have liked to have David's character developed a little bit better so I could understand him and empathize with him more. The book takes a light-hearted approach to the theme of coming out, and there isn't alot of homophobia towards David (man, kids have it so easy nowadays!) David obviously struggled, however (he gets depressed and pulls away from Mitchell), and I would like to have known how he dealt with falling for his best friend and how he got over it. I can't really relate to falling for a straight friend, but I have definitely fallen for gay friends that didn't want anything other than friendship. It sucks! I think I tend to be emotionally starved and get attached to anyone that gives me attention, and want more out of relationships with friends than they do (hmmm, the issue of friends seems to be a running theme with me). So it would have been interesting for me to see how David dealt with it in the story. Overall, the book was okay, and the way the author used humor to address coming out and other teen issues made the book a quick read. I didn't like it as much as I liked other books in this genre, but I would recommend it.

Hurray for cool quotes!

So I found this quote on some random guy's page on Connexion...it made me smile on an otherwise crappy day.

Gay men are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree (figuratively speaking). Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but are easy.... So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

That's so totally me! At least, I think so! :)

WTF??

So I had an interesting conversation on facebook with a friend (meaning, in this case, someone I went to school with and was in the same ward as me, but haven't talked to her in years other than on facebook)today:

Friend: ok..I am just going to flat out ask you now instead of beating around the bush....are you gay? We have a mutual friend who asked me if I know and I did not know but they were afraid to ask you...

Me:(wondering how does one respond to that?) hmmm..... who's the friend?

Friend: lets just leave it that it is someone from the (xx) ward who is a mutual friend on facebook...

Me: (perturbed but somewhat amused) well, he/she is welcome to ask me him/herself, rather than gossiping about it

Friend: They will never ask you because they do not know you that well...I told her that I would ask you because I felt like I could and that either way it did not matter to me. Friends are friends no matter what in my opinion

Me: if they don't know me well, why do they care? sorry...it's a sensitive topic, and i hate being the subject of gossip

Friend: no..I understand where you are coming from..I am the same way. For what it is worth..she only asked me on Friday. She just knows your parents more than she knows you and was curious I guess. I told her that I felt like I could ask you.

Me: (sarcastically) yeah....it's all good. is there anything else he/she wants to know?

Friend: no..I think they already think they have it all figured out. In my mind..who cares...it's all good!!!

Me: yep...but when you pass on the info to the secret person, tell them i find it interesting that they can know intimate details about my life but I can't know who they are...and that they shouldn't assume anything about me

My reaction kind of surprised me. I'm not out to everyone, but I generally don't hide who I am. I don't really care if people know I'm gay...it's not something I'm ashamed of anymore. At the same time, I'm a pretty private person and don't usually volunteer information that isn't asked for...I keep the girls at work guessing, since they know I'm a dad, but also that I like cooking, fashion, shopping, and know next to nothing about sports. But back to my reaction...usually, if asked, I won't deny that I'm gay. This time, just the way it was asked, really pissed me off. For someone that I haven't talked to in years to ask about something so personal, because someone that barely knows me wants to know, just rubbed me the wrong way. Am I right to be upset? Or does it mean I'm not really as comfortable with myself as I think I am? Something to think about...

Friends

So I've been thinking a lot about friends lately. Somebody (I can't remember who!) wrote recently about the different kinds of friends, and yesterday I came across this post by Bravone. To sum up, I pretty much suck at making friends, and lately I suck even more at keeping them. I think I grew up keeping my distance from people, even my parents, because I didn't want them to get close enough and discover my "secret". I had friends in high school, but after that I was never very close to many of my mission companions, roommate, ward members, or neighbors. And I'm pretty much still that way, even though my secret is not so secret anymore. The weird thing is, I crave close relationships with people...so much so, that when I find someone I want to be close to I tend to overdo it and either scare them away or get too emotionally attached and end up getting hurt.

Case in point: friend #1. Met him not too long after I moved back to Utah from Seattle. Hung out and talked alot, got close, wanted more, got hurt, retreated, got close again, got hurt again. Stopped talking when he got sick of me and got a boyfriend. We recently reconnected, I helped him out with some stuff, but kept him at an emotional distance. He did something, I reacted in a way that I sincerely thought was out of love and concern for him...and got pretty much shut down for it. That hurt alot, and I was mad at myself for even letting him back into my life. I'm a very forgiving person (or just hate letting people go? glutton for punishment?) so we talk now and again...but it's just not the same. I considered him my best friend at one point...what happened?

Case in point: friend #2. Met him through another friend, thought we had pretty similar experiences and personalities. Talked alot, didn't hang out because he was away at school, got close, he came back from school and we got even closer...hung out alot, shared what was going on with us, etc. He was in the process of coming out, and I think I was an emotional support for him...introduced him to my friends, took him to meet a new (for both of us) crowd of people...and that was the end. He met other people and we talked and hung out less and less. He got a boyfriend and we pretty much stopped talking altogether. I've made attempts to keep the friendship going, but they've only backfired. It hurt for awhile, then I didn't care for awhile, and I've pretty much decided it's not worth the effort anymore. I considered him my best friend at one point...what happened?

Case in point: friend #3. Met him about a year ago, liked him alot, he kind of liked me back, but wasn't ready for anything more than friendship. I was ok with that, and we talked and hung out alot (does this sound familiar yet?) At one point we ended up messing around...which resulted in me feeling emotionally closer to him, and him pushing away slightly. We still talked, and hung out when he had time, but it was always me texting him first, and always me inviting him to hang out. Messed around a little bit more, I got closer, he got farther...and we finally had a good talk that was a long time coming. I was honest, he was honest, I was crushed but not bitter and wanted to stay friends. I took some emotional distance, and he....kind of disappeared. I'm trying to keep the friendship going, but he's a very busy guy and doesn't have alot of time. I don't want to be the one always calling and always wanting to do things...I want him to show some friend love toward me. Can't force it though, obviously, and we're drifting apart now. I considered him my best friend at one point...what happened?

This post sounds pretty negative, and I'm sure I could take more responsibility in what happened with my three friends...maybe if I were less needy, more extroverted, etc. things might be different. I do the best I can though. Luckily I have two newer friends that I feel close to and trust...hopefully I can keep those friendships positive.

First post

Real original title for this post, right? I've been wanting to do a blog for awhile now, but just haven't found the time/inspiration/motivation to get it done. I'm David, and I'm starting a fairly new phase of my life. Like most of you that will be reading this, I'm gay, LDS (Mormon), and still trying to figure out what that all means even though I started coming out about 4 years ago. I'm blogging for a few different reasons. One is because it seems like the thing to do. I was told by someone today that he doesn't know how to relate to me because I hide so much of who I am (I'll probably expand on that in another post). I'm an introvert by nature; not necessarily shy, especially once you get to know me, but I definitely put up a wall that's hard for people to get past. So maybe by writing a blog, people can get to know me better. Second, I find that I can get my thoughts out much better through writing. Along with my introvertedness, I'm not much of a spontaneous speaker and I'm usually content to just listen and make occasional comments. By writing, I can better organize what I want to say, and by putting my thoughts on paper (well, on the computer screen) I can save them and go back to them later and see if I have changed or made any progress. Third, I hope to meet new people through my blog...people who are going through the same things I'm going through, people who have already gone through it and can offer advice, and other "mohos" that have their own blogs. I'm sure I won't have too much that's original, but I would love for people to leave comments and let me know what they think about what I have to say.

And just for fun, here's one of those corny get-to-know-you questionnaire things.

Hair Color: brown, usually reddish brown, but darker lately
Eye Color: blue...yay!!
Profession: social worker
Relationship Status: broken up/single/i don't know/hopefully changing
Religious Views: LDS/complicated/believing but not too active right now
What's Your Sign?: Scorpio...is this important?
Any Siblings?: yep...I'm the oldest
Shoe size: 9 1/2...is THAT important?
Where were you born?: Salt Lake City
Innie or Outie: if I want you to know, you'll find out for yourself
Righty or Lefty?: righty
Chocolate or Vanilla: both are boring...something fruity or caramelly
Big Mac or Whopper: Whopper Jr, if I had to pick, but I'd take Arby's or Taco Bell
Coke or Pepsi : Mtn Dew!!!!!!
Beer or Wine: yuck...not a drinker, although I have been known to have an occasional Sex on the Beach
Coffee or Tea: Coffee!!!!
Breakfast or Dinner: mmmm pancakes


And that's enough of that.