Tough Week

This has been a pretty tough week. Thankfully I have been pretty in control emotionally, so I'm not feeling depressed or hopeless; some of the stuff that has happened may actually be a blessing in disguise. This will be more of a journal entry post; not too much analysis or insight this time.

Work sucks. Absolutely sucks. A couple of months ago my awesome awesome boss retired and things got restructured. She was pretty much the glue holding everything together, and things have gone downhill fast. My new boss is controlling, paranoid, vindictive, and holds grudges. He hated my old boss, and now we are being punished simply for who we used to work for. And the director of the office supports him. Communication is no longer valued, building on people's strengths doesn't matter, backstabbing is encouraged, and the only way to get favor with the boss is to suck up. I'm used to working in an environment where I get my work done and let its quality speak for itself, and I'm respected for my knowledge and work ethic. I have NEVER had my commitment to my job questioned or been told that a monkey can do my job, but that is what happened this week. I don't want to get into specifics, because I'll just get more pissed off, but my boss is a bully and I'm done with that place. I'm looking for a new job, maybe with the state and maybe not. I'm not going to quit or do anything rash before I have something else lined up, but I've already applied for two other state jobs that look interesting and challenging. Or I might try to find something in the private sector that can help me reach my dream of getting my LCSW, and becoming a counselor for gay youth. We'll see....

On the moho front, I had the pleasure of getting rejected 3 times in one night. Woo hoo! It bruised my ego a bit but I didn't care too much. Unfortunately, I'm used to it. One stopped talking to me after I sent him a picture, the second no longer wanted to meet (yes, just MEET) after he found out that I wasn't compatible with his sexual inclinations (good riddance), and the third was a guy I had gone out with 3 times that told me he wasn't interested anymore and that we didn't click. Ugh. Hooray for me. I'm not a model by any means, I don't have the looks of a porn star, but I don't think I'm ugly either. I'm introverted and it can be hard to get to know me, but I have an awesome personality, at least I think so! I have no clue what it is about me that pushes people away, and I talked to a friend about it and he doesn't have an answer either. Today I got to spend some time with friend #3, and it felt a little awkward but it was also good. It was fun to catch up and hear what he's been up to. At the same time though, it reminded me of the good times and made me sad that we don't have that anymore. He's the kind of guy I want to spend the rest of my life with, and guys like that are few and far between :(

Positives of the week...got to meet and hang out with a friend that I've been texting and facebooking for awhile, but hadn't met in person. He and his boyfriend were awesome and I had alot of fun. And I'm super excited for a family FHE tomorrow with these friends. Hopefully this week will be better :)

The "Mo" Part

So let’s talk about the “mo” part of being a moho…it is Sunday, after all. Sunday morning, specifically, and I’m getting ready to go to church. Church, you say? Why would a gay Mormon want to go to a church that at best tolerates his presence? Good question, and I’m not sure that I know the answer. First, some background. I was raised to be a good Mormon boy in a strong Mormon family -- lots of kids, parents consistently voted Republican, church every Sunday and activities during the week, and FHE and scripture study when we were motivated. There was never any question that I would serve a mission and go to BYU. I served in the leaderships of my Aaronic priesthood quorums, graduated from 4 years of seminary, and never drank or smoked or had sex. I’m sure this sounds fairly similar to a lot of people reading this blog; I’m not the only good-Mormon-but-gay-boy out there. Of course, I always knew I liked boys, and knew that this didn’t really mesh with what the church taught. Unlike a lot of people, though, I have never really had a “spiritual crisis” -- the cognitive dissonance has always been there but it hasn’t really bothered me. I’m not sure if that’s because I am a fence sitter, unwilling to commit to either side, or I think that I can “serve two masters” and have one foot in the church and the other in the “gay world”. What emotional effect does it have on me? It’s true I’m not outwardly committed to either side. My attendance at church is hit or miss, I’m not a regular pray-er or scripture reader anymore, I like my morning coffee, and I vote Democrat more often than not ;) But for the most part, I believe in what the church teaches, even the things that set us apart from most other Christian denominations. On the other hand, I’m not the typical gay guy living the “gay lifestyle” that my parents are so afraid of. Still no smoking or drinking, not really into promiscuity, I like to look good but don’t have the money or inclination to be fashion-obsessed, and the club is fun every once in a while but I don’t have to be there every weekend. But there’s no question that I’m gay; that’s an issue that was resolved a long time ago. Well, time to go to church…let’s see if I have an epiphany during the two hours I’m there.

Nope, no epiphany…same as always. Sit in the back, don’t talk to anyone unless they talk to me first, etc. When I don’t go I feel like something is missing, when I do go I feel like I don’t quite fit. In Elder’s Quorum we talked about chapter 41 in the lesson book about doing temple work for the dead, and alot of emphasis was on the importance of keeping records, and how in the early days of the church alot of ordinances had to be done over because they weren't recorded or witnessed correctly. One quorum member brought up that his grandpa, at age 90, had to be baptized again because no one could find his baptism date, even though he had been married in the temple, etc. My thoughts were along the lines of "why the h are people so worried about it? God knows what has been done, so why stress?" And I think that pretty much sums up my philosophy toward church. I believe in a God that loves me unconditionally, no matter what, just like I would love my children no matter what they do or what they become. God knows my heart, and He knows that I'm a good person and loves me even though I'm gay. I believe in the simple basics of the gospel...love one another, serve others, treat them the way I want to be treated. I don't care so much about the rest. I figure if I live my life the best I can, respect myself and others, and be the best dad in the world, that everything will work out in the end. God loves me, he died for me, and that's all that matters. I guess that's my gay testimony, in the name.....

PS...if anyone in the Wasatch Front area wants/needs a "church buddy", I'd be happy to hook up with you...for church, of course :p Having a friend to go with would definitely help my activity level...

Two Parties, One Tux, and a Very Short Film About The Grapes of Wrath

I'm a big reader, and I like reading books with gay characters. Two of my favorite book blogs are I'm Here. I'm Queer. What the Hell Do I Read? which mostly deals with YA fiction with a gay theme and ideas for GSA groups, and BoyWithBooks.com written by a gay college student. So I figure that I might as well talk about some of the books I read on my blog too. And I'll put the standard Spoiler Alert Warning here.

I recently read a humorous book with an awesome title, Two Parties, One Tux, and a Very Short Film About The Grapes of Wrath by new author Steven Goldman. The book is written from the point of view of Mitchell, a socially awkward high school junior whose best (and pretty much only) friend David comes out to him one day at lunch in the school cafeteria. David is on the baseball team, goes to parties, and drinks occasionally, and fits in well with the popular crowd, but prefers hanging out with Mitchell. The two of them participate in high school adventures together (getting ready for the Junior Prom, getting in trouble for making a racy claymation movie for English class, and dealing with sensitive bully Louis), and David's coming out is only one part of the story.

Mitchell seems kind of shocked about the whole thing, and doesn't really know what to think or how to react. It definitely affects their relationship for a bit, but he still talks to David and considers him his best friend. In fact, they double-date to the Prom, both taking girls. Mitchell initially wonders if he might be gay also, and bully Louis insinuates that he is since he spends so much time with David. He soon puts this thought to rest, however. Things get even more confusing when Mitchell and David realize that David is essentially in love with Mitchell, although David knows that nothing can ever come of it. The book ends on a happy note, with the boys staying friends.

Since the story was written from the point of view of Mitchell, the straight one, the reader sees David's struggles with being gay through Mitchell's eyes. This worked somewhat well, but I would have liked to have David's character developed a little bit better so I could understand him and empathize with him more. The book takes a light-hearted approach to the theme of coming out, and there isn't alot of homophobia towards David (man, kids have it so easy nowadays!) David obviously struggled, however (he gets depressed and pulls away from Mitchell), and I would like to have known how he dealt with falling for his best friend and how he got over it. I can't really relate to falling for a straight friend, but I have definitely fallen for gay friends that didn't want anything other than friendship. It sucks! I think I tend to be emotionally starved and get attached to anyone that gives me attention, and want more out of relationships with friends than they do (hmmm, the issue of friends seems to be a running theme with me). So it would have been interesting for me to see how David dealt with it in the story. Overall, the book was okay, and the way the author used humor to address coming out and other teen issues made the book a quick read. I didn't like it as much as I liked other books in this genre, but I would recommend it.

Hurray for cool quotes!

So I found this quote on some random guy's page on Connexion...it made me smile on an otherwise crappy day.

Gay men are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree (figuratively speaking). Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but are easy.... So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

That's so totally me! At least, I think so! :)