Kids

I had an awesome time at Scott and Sarah's party last night! I got to see friends and meet my blogger friend Boskers...he seemed like a really neat guy, so hopefully we can be friends in real life too :)

Something that a couple of people mentioned is that i dont talk about my kids in my blog. Some people wonder if i want to keep them a secret and shouldnt tell other people about them. Other people are surprised when they find out about them and ask if they are my "real" kids.

So yes, I'm a proud dad of 3 kids. I think that almost all my real-life moho friends know this, its not a secret. Some of my friends have even met them. They are what keeps me going when i am down, and much of the reason i am still around to write this. How did this come about, you ask? Well, the quick and dirty version is that i got off my mission believing that if I followed the commandments and did everything that was expected of me, I could manage my gay feelings or even have them taken from me. Long story short, it didnt work out that way. So me and their mom are no longer together, but we are (usually) on good terms with each other. The kiddos sleep at my house 3 nights a week, but i see them almost every day. I don't regret trying to follow the right path and having my kids, but i do regret seriously messing with someone else's life (their mom) and depriving 3 more of being raised in a 2-parent home.

Why dont I talk about them much? I guess because this blog is about me and whats going on in my head, and i want to shield them from the internal drama that is David. I'm generally a private person anyway, and since I don't know who all reads this and it will be on the internet forever, I want to keep them out of the "public eye".

I also dont usually talk about them with people i have just met. I feel like talking about them is kind of a reverse coming-out, telling my story about how a gay guy has kids, and its not something to share with relative strangers, especially if i havent assessed their creepiness level yet. Most people are very cool with it, especially mohos who understand the importance of family. One of my requirements for my future Prince Charming is, of course, he has to love children and be willing to love mine as his own.

So that's my story.

Things

Alot of us mohos feel stuck between being gay and being in the church -- we feel like we have to pick one and leave the other behind. We can either follow the commandment to not be gay (for simplicity's sake, that's how I'll word it) or the commandment to have joy and have a happy family (albeit with two dads!)...but either way we have to choose between two conflicting things.  But today in church I had a thought...this isn't the only time anyone has had to choose between two commandments that conflict with each other.  We were talking about the Fall of Adam and how Adam and Eve had to choose between obedience (not eating the fruit) or disobedience (eating the fruit) to be able to obey another commandment (multiply and replenish the earth). Or how about Nephi, when he had to choose between "thou shalt not kill" or "it is better for one man to perish than an entire nation to dwindle in unbelief" or however it goes. I'm sure I'm teaching false doctrine here, but it seems to me that there are times when certain commandments apply to some people but not others, or when certain commandments have to be disobeyed to follow more important ones.  Couldn't that be applied to gay Mormons that want a loving monogamous relationship??

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The Elders Quorum lesson was on a talk from Elder Bednar (I think!) from the last conference (I think! see how much I pay attention in church) that focused on being better family members.  One of his points was that we should tell those we are close to that we love them more often.  Most of the time our loved ones know we love them, but it is important for them to hear it from us too. The same goes for close friends too, though...it makes me feel really good when a close friend tells me he loves me and how much he means to me.  So I'm going to try to do more of that :)

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So I talked to my friend. Didn't really go anywhere. It's hard to communicate with him and figure out what's going on inside his head. So frustrating.

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A good number of people read, skim, or at least look at my blog.  But I don't know who you most of you are! I don't always leave comments on the blogs I read, so I'm not asking everyone to leave a comment, but let me know who you are somehow! My email address is on my blogger profile, my twitter is in the sidebar, and if you know me personally you're probably my facebook friend.  Whether you're out or in, friend or foe, moho or just somebody's mom, say hi or ask me a question that i can answer in another blog post!

Grrrrrr...rawrrrr!!!

Here I am, probably overthinking things as usual. But I read this post by Listen To Who I Am and it really got me thinking.  I especially liked his last paragraph:

I’ve found that my most rewarding and enriching relationships are those where, instead of trying to settle into a defined role, I allow the relationship to remain suspended in the unknown. I allow the other person to be. I let them define who they want to be and how they want to interact with me. I also try not to assign meaning to shifting and evolving relationships. During times of shifting, the temptation might be to more rigidly adhere to our unwritten rules of relationships as a desperate attempt to hold on to what we think is slipping away. As a result, we unwittingly limit where the relationship can go and the ways that it can teach and feed us.

I think that's a very positive way to approach things, and I'm going to start using it.  I've got this friend that I'm currently struggling with -- at least I think I am, but it also is very possible that it's only me that's struggling and he has no idea.  I'm kind of a Holden Caulfield sometimes, in that a lot goes on inside my head and  I don't necessarily interpret things the way other people do...I read too much into things, or overreact, or underreact, or miss social cues, etc. Lol I don't want to make myself sound as crazy as Holden, but I always try to look at things from a few different viewpoints and interpret things a few different ways to make sure I'm not locking myself into one wrong interpretation.  This serves me well sometimes -- for example, if someone is rude to me I can dismiss it pretty easily and tell myself they don't matter or they don't really mean it, or I can stay calm in stressful situations and not let panic set in. But it also causes me to think way too much sometimes and have too much analysis and not enough action. Or I just confuse myself and not know what to think or do.

Anyway, back to my friend, and the above quote. I guess I've assigned him the role of "best friend" and I've expected him to act the way I think a best friend should act...i.e. talking to me every day, hanging out with me fairly regularly, opening up to me about his struggles and the details of his life. And then when he doesn't I overthink things. My first instinct is to think "well I guess he just doesn't want to be friends, or as good friends as I want to be." And then I feel sad and depressed, and try to look at it from another viewpoint:  "I'm overreacting, he's just very busy with school and work and other friends, and by feeling bad I'm being too possessive, and that's bad...chill out, David." But then I continue to think, and tell myself "well what if I'm just trying to excuse his behavior and I'm missing important social cues, and he actually doesn't really want to be good friends, so I should just move on and save myself the pain."  And on and on it goes, and I end up either keeping my feelings to myself and gettting mad or sad, or I overreact and say stupid things and act like a victim and blah blah blah. Ugh.

So....what to do. We haven't talked for a week or so, and we usually talk every day. I'm waiting for him to initiate contact, but he hasn't. Which, if I let it, could lead to a whole 'nother round of overthinking.  So...advantages of contacting him:  it would show that I'm not stubborn, it would keep a friendship from drifting away, it would (maybe) get my needs met by making me feel good by hearing from him, it would let him know I'm there for him even though he's very busy. Disadvantages of contacting him: it would make me feel like we have a one-sided friendship and reinforce that we don't talk unless it's me that makes contact. It would possibly bring up sad/negative feelings that I've somewhat put behind me having not talked to him lately.  Advantages of NOT contacting him:  I apply what the quote says...I let him define who he wants to be and how he wants to interact with me. I back off from the rigid role I've assigned him, and just let things evolve.  And I focus on new opportunities with others that have recently presented themselves.  Disadvantages of NOT contacting him: I'm left in limbo, which is uncomfortable for me. I'm left wondering why.  And I'm opening the possibility that the friend will drift away, leaving me sad (although putting energy into a friendship that needs to drift away would be even more frustrating)

What to do, what to do....keep thinking, I guess.

Thanks for listening to my random thoughts. :)

The Meaning of Matthew and The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I recently read two gay-themed books and I liked both of them.  The first was The Meaning of Matthew, a biography of Matthew Shepard written by his mother, Judy Shepard.  Before reading the book I knew the basics of Matthew's story, that he was killed in Wyoming because he was gay.  The book brought out the details of his life before his murder and outlined how he was killed, what happened at his killers' trials, and what his family did afterward.  Matthew wasn't necessarily a role model -- he did things most of us have done at one time or another, like hook up with guys, drink, and not pay enough attention to school.  He wasn't very stable either -- he moved from one school to another, had money issues, and suffered from depression. Some people might judge him by saying if he had been more stable and wasn't drinking at a bar he wouldn't have been killed.  I bring out these details, though, more to illustrate that he was just a normal 20-something-year-old doing things that most gay men in their twenties do. What happened to Matthew could happen to any of us.  Matthew Shepard is by far not the only gay person to experience a hate crime, but his murder got a lot of attention from the media. 

One thing I found interesting is the role that three different LDS church members played in Matthew's story.  Surprisingly, they were all positive.  The first one was either the CEO or the media spokesperson (I can't remember....someone important though) for the hospital that Matthew was taken to after he was beaten, and where he died a few days later.  Matthew's mother knew about the LDS church's attitude toward homosexuality and was surprised and reassured by the hospital guy's kindness toward her and her family.  He saw past Matthew's sexuality and instead simply saw a boy that had been horribly beaten and a family that was grieving.  He provided alot of help to the family in dealing with the media.  The second was the grandmother of one of the men that killed Matthew.  She was LDS and was known in the town for being a good person.  She raised her grandson, who obviously and unfortunately did not follow in his grandmother's footsteps.  She was devestated by what her grandson had done, and Matthew's mother saw that her family was not the only one that had been torn apart.  They were able to comfort each other.  The third was US Senator Gordon Smith, a Republican from Oregon.  Matthew's mother worked with him to get an expanded hate crimes bill introduced in Congress. He was one of the few Republicans supported by gay rights groups (although he later supported the Federal Marriage Amendment defining marriage as between a man and a woman).

The second book I read was The Perks of Being a Wallflower, about Charlie, a sophomore in high school who is very smart but suffers from mental illness (or autism?) and has poor social skills.  At first I couldn't really get into the story or identify with the main character, but as the book went on I got fairly attached to him, as did the other characters in the story.  Charlie isn't gay, but his best friend is and it plays a significant part in the story.  Charlie tends to be pretty passive and lets things happen to him.  He learns that he needs to speak up for himself and let people know what he wants, rather than going along with things to make other people happy.  I think I tend to do this as well -- I don't like to rock the boat or be the center of attention, and I like to nurture and care-take other people.  Which means sometimes my own needs don't get met.  Charlie also tends to think waaaaayyyy too much.  He overanalyzes everything and isn't sure how to react appropriately in certain situations.  Kind of like me! He learns that he needs to "participate" in life more rather than simply observing it and analyzing it.  Just like Charlie sought out a group of friends, developed relationships with his family members, and participated in social activities, I need to do the same thing.  Hopefully my interpersonal skills are a bit better than Charlie's are, but I was able to identify with his experiences.

Two very different books, but both very good and I would recommend them both.

Am I Healthy?

Well I'm just on a blogging roll lately, aren't I? I read this post that Dichotomy posted and wanted to blog about it while it was fresh in my mind.  He did a good job of outlining a number of elements that a gay mormon guy should have as part of a healthy life. I wonder a lot about how healthy I really am.  I definitely think my outlook on life could use some changes and I could be alot more positive.  But here's how I fit with his criteria.

Honesty with self:  I don't know that I've ever had a problem with this one, even when I was in the closet. I always knew exactly what my feelings were and didn't deny them to myself; it was more of a "ignore them and they won't be a problem" type of thing.  Coming out to certain people definitely made me more honest though -- now I know that the feelings aren't going away and are simply a part of who I am.

Acceptance:  I think I'm ok in this area too.  I very strongly believe that God loves me for who I am, simply because I am his son. All the other details will get worked out in the end.  Meeting and socializing with other mohos has greatly helped with my self-acceptance. It's awesome to know that you're not the only one dealing with your issues.  I don't necessarily consider myself "normal", though, so that's an area to work on.  I've accepted my sexuality, so I need to take the next step and love the rest of myself for who I am, quirks and funny looks and all.

Correctly labeled:  I'm gay. Period.

Honesty with others:  This is an area that could use some work.  I'm out to most of my friends, but that's because most of my friends are gay too.  I'm out to my parents and one sister, but it's a topic that is never discussed.  Supposedly other siblings know, but none of us have ever brought the topic up. I'm not out at work, because my bosses are pretty old-school, but I keep my female coworkers guessing. I'm not out at church either since I moved back to Utah, but that's more because I'm a loner and tend to keep a low profile. I'm not sure what people in leadership positions know; I don't know if my "permanent record" has a big pink GAY stamp on it or not.  On the other hand, I don't really care about who knows and who doesn't.  I'm not afraid of people finding out. I don't really want to rock the boat at work, but I don't care if the girls know or not. Being out at church wouldn't bother me too much either -- in fact, I think it would be interesting to see people's reactions and if it changed how they treated me. I don't think it would affect my activity level either way. I would LOVE to be more out to my family -- I feel so separated from them, and I think it's mostly my fault. I've built this wall that has gotten taller and thicker as time goes on, because I'm afraid of their rejection.  And even though I've come out to some of them, the wall is still there, again I think because of my choosing.  Maybe that's a good New Years resolution...let my family get to know the complete me.

On the path to happiness: Fail. Read the rest of my blog. Hehehe...seriously though, I'm not there yet. I know what would make me happy -- a loving fulfilling relationship with a man that has similar morals and beliefs to mine. I've thought I've found him a couple of times, but either it has turned out I was wrong or he didn't share my feelings. But onward, ever onward...

A is to D as D is to J

So I have a certain friend I'll call J.  He's my oldest friend, meaning he's the person I've been friends with the longest out of all the people I regularly or occasionally hang out with. We became friends on the mission...we were never companions but we were in the same district or zone a number of times. We kept in touch after the mission and I even visited him once and met his family. But he moved and I moved and we lost touch for awhile, until both of us ended back up in Utah. He had gotten married and had kids but wasn't too active in the church. But we reestablished our relationship, and he was the first straight friend that I came out to....except then he came out to me. And it turns out he hasn't handled being a closeted married moho too well. Long story short, he's got mental health issues and self-medicates with alcohol. Alot of it, at least on weekends. He can be a hard person to hang out with, and although I can talk him into seeing a movie or going for coffee every once in a while, he usually uses our time together to convince me to go to the bar or club with him, or at least give him a ride. At the beginning I would go with him and watch him get drunk and stupid and make sure he didn't hurt himself, and either give him a ride home or go home by myself after he found a hookup to go home with. Lately I've been distancing myself from him though. I feel bad about it...he has always been there for me no matter what, listening to me cry when I was heartbroken, trying to boost me up when I felt down. And I've been there for him, when his wife kicks him out of the house or when he gets manic or depressed. He's generally a good guy when he's sober...a bit too needy sometimes, but a good guy. He calls alot, way too much sometimes, and gets hurt if I don't answer. We used to talk every day though, even though it was him that did all the calling.  We haven't talked since Christmas though, and I haven't picked up the phone to call him. He likes to hang out with me, and I can tell he feels bad when I'm noncommital about making plans with him. He decided at one point that he liked me as more than a friend, and although I was clear with him that I didn't see him that way, he felt hurt and it still makes things somewhat awkward. I'm not sure what to do with him. :(

I have another friend that acts with me the same way that I act with J. There isn't any alcohol or serious mental health issues between us, but I can be a hard person to hang out with sometimes too.  I think I'm alot less needy with him now that I've been focusing on it, but I text him alot and feel bad when he doesn't answer.  We talk (or text) at least a little bit every day, but it's me that initiates most of the contact. We like hanging out together, but he can sometimes be noncommital about making plans with me. Even though I know it's because he's so busy and is a popular guy and has other friends to hang out with, it still hurts.  I decided at one point that I liked him as more than a friend, and although he was clear with me that he didn't see me that way, I felt hurt and it still makes things awkward occasionally (like when I'm feeling down). I'm not sure what to do with him :)

New Year and Other Stuff

I like to make fun of Boskers, and this will be a Boskers-style post...short bits about a few different topics. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right?
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This weekend was really good, actually one of the funnest I've had in awhile.  New Year's Eve was somewhat marred by family drama, but I'm not a big New Year's person anyway (see below).  I don't have that many friends, but I got to spend time with two of my closest ones this weekend. Friday night i went up to R's and watched a movie, helped him clean (by supervising on the couch), and then just talked for awhile and fell asleep. Nothing too exciting, but I felt really comfortable and accepted, and it was fun to just talk and laugh and all that. I love you, R :) Saturday went down and met S at his parent's house. For some reason I felt really awkward at first. It wasn't his parents; they weren't there and I've met them before anyway. It wasn't his nana, she is the cutest little thing ever hehehe.  I think it was because it was a new place and the house was so nice and big. It was weird that I felt awkward....I'm really comfortable with S. Social anxiety is just a strange thing, I guess.  Anyway, two other friends got there and I felt better.  We planned to go to a hot springs close by, but when we got there it had just closed for the night and we would have gotten yelled at if we snuck in.  So we just went back to the parentals house and watched a movie. Again, nothing too exciting, but it's what I love...just hanging out and being with friends, talking, and not necessarily doing anything special.
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Church today...ugh...early church now. I'm going to miss my lazy Sunday mornings.  Sunday school was an introduction to the Old Testament, since that's the topic for this year.  The focus was on us being children of God and that he loves us.  With the emphasis on the US...we, the ones at church, are children of God and he loves us because we're there following the commandments.  It's important for me to remember that I'm a child of God, because then it will be easier to resist temptation and not get discouraged. Ummmmmm....probably true. But it's so much more than that. I wanted to raise my hand and say that it's just as important to remember that OTHER PEOPLE are children of God also, and that God loves everyone. Even the drunk guy stumbling out of the bar, the 16-year-old pregnant girl sitting next to you on the bus, the woman at the fast food place that barely speaks English, and the crazies that think everyone should have access to affordable health care.  Oh, and me, the gay guy on the back row. Yep, God loves me too.  Understand that, people, and there would be alot less judging going on!!
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New Years....I'm not a fan. It's just an arbitrary day. And just like being thankful only at Thanksgiving and giving only at Christmas, I find it dumb to make resolutions only at the beginning of the year.  I want to make changes when I need to and work on it all year long. And why all the focus on changing? Where do you draw the line between changing and accepting yourself or your situation for what it is? My motto is generally "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."  I could keep trying to change my sexuality, set goals, etc...or I could accept myself for who I am.  I could go out and try to meet tons of new people and try to get everyone to like me...or I could value the friends I have and strengthen those relationships.  I could strive for more money or power...or I could be happy with what I've got.  Idk, it's probably somewhere in between. It's good to identify things to work on or make better, it's good to have ambition to better your life or your situation...but it's not good to have unrealistic expectations, set yourself up to get hurt, or focus on the future so much that you don't have time for the present.
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I kind of feel like this post has a negative tone to it.  I don't mean for it to be that way. If there's one thing I want to get across, it's that I'm thankful for friends and others that accept me for who I am.  Alot of times I feel like an anomaly, even in the gay world, and even in the moho world.  I don't like always having to prove myself, always having to look good, always needing to impress.  I just want to be me, and not have to seek out recognition for it. Of course, I DO want to be recognized for who I am, I just don't want to have to do all the work :)  So I appreciate and value the two friends I spent time with this weekend, and the other one that lives far but who I talk to every day. They don't care too much that I'm goofy-looking and a few years older. They like me for me, and show it through their words and actions. Basically, they rock! :)  (awww, I got kind of teary-eyed!)