Tuesday, October 20, 2009

It's me: a poem

I’m in a different mood right now.
Not depressed but kind of lonely, not sad but wanting more.
Stuck and not sure how to get unstuck?

A lot on my mind, definitely...
suicide (not my own, don’t worry)
the future (yes, my own…I worry)
Balancing being self-confident and confronting my awkwardness
loving but not being loved back,
wanting but not being wanted back


I’m a good person. I think I would want me...
Loyal, caring, kind
Not high maintenance (usually), pretty easygoing (too much?)
Not a young twink or a body-building hunk, but not ugly either
I’m trying to focus on being confident and ignore when my brain tries to talk me out of it

But this is reality:
Few close friends. Am I socially awkward?
No significant other. Do I drive people away? Or not attract them in the first place?
No invitations for dates. Not many invitations to parties or to hang out. Mostly turned down when I do the inviting.
Is it my fault or theirs? What do I do different?
I think I’m too needy
I crave closeness, but don’t know how to get it
I get too attached, and people don’t like that
I feel like I bother certain people too much

And it’s a vicious cycle...

I’m confident. I ignore my negativity and confront my awkwardness.
I try.
I fail.
I get hurt.
I don’t want to try anymore.
I lose confidence and become awkward.
I pull away.
I feel lonely, and it’s my own fault.

And it’s a vicious cycle...
loving but not being loved back,
wanting but not being wanted back


Ben said...

Maybe you're being too passive in life...?

You might consider doing something for someone and force yourself to expect nothing in return. Too often we do nice things for people and attach some kind of hope or expectation.

It's like we're that relatively caring bank that gives out loans when other banks won't, but we still expect to be payed back in full (with interest, of course!).

There's always community service, too.

I'd say that if your friends have a legit reason for being "annoyed" by you, then you should attempt to work on whatever that is. I think they would really appreciate it.

If it's something that you ABSOLUTELY cannot change, then try to talk to them about it. If they are good friends, then hopefully they will make adjustments for you.

And last, but not least, there is always One who will never reject you. Even with a weak testimony like mine, I can still assure you that God listens. I'm still working on the 'answering' part, but he definitely listens.

Chris said...

Well, just my two cents, but I think you are awesome. Nothing profound, just my honest opinion after getting the privilege to talk with you a couple times.

Anonymous said...

You are awesome. Do I need to tempt you to come hang out by recording Gossip Girls in HD? You are always welcome!!

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