Monday, April 5, 2010


I crave stability in my life.  I like being spur-of-the-moment and trying random things, but I like to know that I have a safe place to go back to when I'm done, and I like knowing what is going to happen in the future.  I realized that when I feel down and depressed, it's usually because of a lack of stability.  Not that I'm unstable...I have a permanent job, a family that is a constant in my life, and the anchors of good friends and my spirituality.  But there are areas of my life that lack stability, and this affects who I am.  One example is that where I lived for the past year I never decorated or made it look homey because I knew I would be moving in a year, and it wasn't worth the emotional effort to make it a home.  Another example is that I crave a boyfriend because I know what it is like to be in a long-term relationship, and I want the stability of knowing I'm loved and that someone is there for me.  When I don't have stability or know what to expect in the future I get stressed and anxious and depressed.

Hopefully things will be a bit more stable in the near future.  Despite the stress I had about moving, things are falling into place and I'll have 3 rent-paying roommates soon.  I love the new house and desperately hope that it will be a long-term living situation.  I've kind of moved away from looking for new friends and trying to find a boyfriend...I think both of those things made life too unstable.  Reaching out to people that don't care (e.g. Ben, Nick, many BYU mohos) has taken an emotional toll.  Trying to meet guys online has not been successful.  I'm not as anxious now to meet new people and make new friends...I'm happy (for now) with what I've got and rather than focus on new people I want to focus on what I have. I want to develop and improve relationships with the people I already know (e.g. Brandon, Michaels, Scott).  Trying to make new friends with guys who don't know what they want (and have crappy social skills) isn't promoting stability for me right now. And it seems that the closest friends I have (Mike, Steve, Chris) are ones that I haven't tried to force or move along quickly. So I'm not going to be antisocial and avoid people or reject new friendships, but I'm just not going to make it a priority right now.  Feel free to get to know me, but if you don't make an effort I'm not going to either.
I didn't watch or listen to a single word of conference this weekend.  A couple of other bloggers have written that this is a sign of their escaping the clutches of the Mormon church...or at least it not being as important in their lives.  I usually watch the Priesthood session with my dad and brother, but this time my dad was out of town and I was just getting back in to town, so I missed it.  I usually at least pretend to watch the Sunday sessions at my mom's house, but they didn't get back into town til Sunday evening.  And I didn't really miss it.  I'll probably go back and read some of the talks, but I think conference tends to promote instability in me at times as well.  Many of the general authorities are kind and loving, but others are clueless about how what they say opresses people.  On the other hand, as I mentioned, my spirituality is a great source of stability for me.  Deciding to take what I want from the LDS church and fit it with who I am has made me feel loved by God.  Of course, some might say that I'm deluding myself and being led away by the devil...but oh well.
I had a great trip to Las Vegas and Death Valley this weekend.  After the move and stress at work, I needed a break.  Usually I go to Ogden and hang out with Robbie to escape reality, but I needed something more this time.  It was very relaxing and I got both the glitter and glamor of Las Vegas and the peace and serenity of nature in Death Valley.  I need more vacations.
I'm on a diet. I've never dieted before.  But I'm fast approaching the part of life that doing nothing isn't going to cut it anymore.  My clothes are getting a little bit tight and my stomach is sticking out more than I like (what a way to get the cute guys who are reading this, right?) My ex and I are doing it together, and today was the first day.  Instead of 3 big meals and snacks in between, I'm going to attempt 4 small meals and a small snack at the end of the day.  It was kind of painful today, but hopefully I'll get used to it.  Instead of eating 2000+ calories like I usually do, I ate 1410.  I'm committing to 2 weeks.  Maybe I'll even get motivated to exercise.


El Genio said...

"I've kind of moved away from looking for new friends and trying to find a boyfriend... Trying to meet guys online has not been successful."

I go through phases like this all the time. Sometimes things work, sometimes not. Meh.

Diet + Exercise is definitely the way to go. NPR did a huge thing on food recently. One of the tips they had was to make sure you are eating whole grain foods, and foods that are high in fiber. These items will fill you up faster, so you don't have to feel like you're starving all the time.

Horizon said...

I hope you find the stability you are looking for. If you find it, let me know where it is. I need some too. Also because I was travelling this past weekend, I didn’t get any conference in either. And I am not sure how I feel about that yet. I know and love Las Vegas and am glad you do too. Also, hang in there with your diet. I am in the midst of one myself (1600 calories a day if you were wondering) and have already started to lose some weight. If you ever need any encouragement, let me know.

Anonymous said...

Big hug. Sometimes the stability we crave is something we create within ourselves. I hate how I sound like a fortune cookie sometimes.

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