Saturday, April 24, 2010

I'm not very good at being mad at people

...or disliking them, but it's alot easier and less painful than dealing with my real feelings. I was going to put that as my facebook status but i figured i could elaborate on it more here. I suppose that should be obvious to me rather than new and insightful...I mean, having worked with teenagers, part of what i did sometimes was helping them go deeper and figure out where their anger was coming from and what their real feelings were. And realizing that, i find it weird that I'm trying to use it as a coping mechanism now. It's something I usually help people avoid. I'm not very good at being mad...I usually give people the benefit of the doubt and forgive pretty quickly and apologize for things so that everyone can be happy. I hate conflict. But i'm starting to understand firsthand why people use anger. I'm tired of feeling down and depressed when people are stupid, and its alot easier to just be mad at them. It puts up a wall and masks my hurt and confusion. It puts the ball back in the other person's court and puts the responsability on them to solve the problem. Not caring means not hurting. I have a certain friend that really takes me for granted and I've been bottling up alot of feelings toward him for awhile. Last night I let them out and told him. Not in a mean way or a mad way, just straightforwardly. And now being mad at him makes it easier to cope. Instead of feeling bad and apologizing for my feelings, and texting him and asking him to not be mad at me, I just tell myself to be mad at him and let him deal with it. It feels good. Screw him, i dont need him. Of course, i dont really mean that, and I understand perfectly the feelings i'm avoiding, but its an easy way out, and thats what i need right now. And thats probably the reason behind my new "screw the world" philosophy with meeting new people...if i dont care, i dont have to make an effort, and i wont get hurt. It's just interesting that i'm using a not-usually-very-positive technique to feel better.


Clicky Web Analytics