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It's probably a good thing that I feel too blah and unmotivated to do anything stupid. Guess I'll just keep faking it til i make it. But God, if you want to send some happiness my way, I'd sure appreciate it.

Never Been Kissed

I loved this week's episode of Glee. Maybe I'm just in a sensitive/sentimental mood, but it really impacted me, especially Kurt's and Coach Bieste's storylines. The songs were awesome too. The character I identified with least but wished i could be the most was Blaine. So hot, so confident... the exact opposite of me. I'm in love! When he was singing i couldn't help but think about how much easier it is to be young and gay today than when i was in high school. It's already gotten better, ya young whippersnappers... what i wouldnt give to be an out and confident highschooler. Or even an out and nonconfident highschooler. At least you guys are out, and not stuck in the closet til it's almost too late. But back to Blaine (mmmm, yum)... if i was confident like him maybe i wouldnt have such a problem getting guys to notice/like me. Something to work on.

Lately i haven't liked Kurt very much. He's so moody and victimy... reminds me of somebody (me). Ugh, is that who i am? I would definitely like to be Kurt though now. He's gonna get the sweet sweet hotness of Blaine's.................. lips. But yeah, i guess i identify with Kurt. I know what i want but I'm not confident enough to get it, and i blame life for sucking but i don't do much to change it. So hopefully what happened to Kurt will happen to me... lucious sexiness will suddenly appear in my life (yeah right). Seriously though, what i learned from Kurt is to stop being a victim of life's suckiness. Accept it or do something to change it but dont be the whiny bitch that i am about it.

The character i identified with most, unfortunately, was Coach Bieste. Not that I'm 40 and never been kissed, but I'm abrasive and awkward and not very attractive. Like Bieste, i have a nice marshmallowy inside, but the outside scares people. She (and I) has friends that care about her, gets pity kisses, and has reasons to smile sometimes. But the two of us are pretty beat down and don't have the energy to fight it anymore. We dont have realistic prospects for love. We're cynical and resigned to life's suckiness. Yep.

I'm not very good at being mad at people

...or disliking them, but it's alot easier and less painful than dealing with my real feelings. I was going to put that as my facebook status but i figured i could elaborate on it more here. I suppose that should be obvious to me rather than new and insightful...I mean, having worked with teenagers, part of what i did sometimes was helping them go deeper and figure out where their anger was coming from and what their real feelings were. And realizing that, i find it weird that I'm trying to use it as a coping mechanism now. It's something I usually help people avoid. I'm not very good at being mad...I usually give people the benefit of the doubt and forgive pretty quickly and apologize for things so that everyone can be happy. I hate conflict. But i'm starting to understand firsthand why people use anger. I'm tired of feeling down and depressed when people are stupid, and its alot easier to just be mad at them. It puts up a wall and masks my hurt and confusion. It puts the ball back in the other person's court and puts the responsability on them to solve the problem. Not caring means not hurting. I have a certain friend that really takes me for granted and I've been bottling up alot of feelings toward him for awhile. Last night I let them out and told him. Not in a mean way or a mad way, just straightforwardly. And now being mad at him makes it easier to cope. Instead of feeling bad and apologizing for my feelings, and texting him and asking him to not be mad at me, I just tell myself to be mad at him and let him deal with it. It feels good. Screw him, i dont need him. Of course, i dont really mean that, and I understand perfectly the feelings i'm avoiding, but its an easy way out, and thats what i need right now. And thats probably the reason behind my new "screw the world" philosophy with meeting new people...if i dont care, i dont have to make an effort, and i wont get hurt. It's just interesting that i'm using a not-usually-very-positive technique to feel better.

The birds and the bees / When it rains it pours

This week i get to go to a "maturation program" with my kiddo. One memory that stands out from my childhood is when i had mine, i think in the 5th grade. Parents were invited of course, and while the girls had their program the boys got a long recess. We were all nervous about what we were going to learn. Sex (and even puberty) werent talked about in my family, so the little i knew came from more knowlegeable kids. Anyway, when it was our turn we went into the room and my dad was already in there, so i sat next to him. He didnt really say too much, and i'm sure he was as nervous as i was. We watched a movie and had the program, and it really wasnt very memorable. What stood out though, was when it was done, my dad just said bye and went home...no discussion, no asking what i thought, etc. I was left to digest the information on my own. It kind of sent the message that sex is not something we talk about, and that probably had alot to do with me hiding my gayness and never coming out to them as a teen. It wasnt to be talked about, so i was left to struggle on my own. I dont want to make the same mistake with my kids. We've never had "the discussion" but i've tried to be open and let them know that its nothing to be embarrased about.

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If youre a regular reader, you know i tend to get down and lonely when i have nothing to do or no one to hang out with, especially on the weekend. Well this weekend i've had about 6 invitations to go do various things. (I also extended one invitation and was shot down). So i have plenty to do to keep myself busy, but silly me still finds a way to feel bad. Ive had to turn down most of the invitations because they conflict with each other or because of family obligations. So i dwell on the fun that im missing out on, i somewhat resent the obligations i have and wish things were more flexible, and i worry that people will tire of inviting me to things because i turn them down. I think about how i feel when i get turned down and figure everyone else feels the same way. And even if they dont get tired or hurt, it makes me more invisible like i talked about in my last post, and they forget to invite me the next time. I mentioned this to one friend that i had to turn down, and his response was "true dat." Not very comforting :(

Fun night

Last night I went to a party sponsored by a recently-out moho at his parents' house. When i first got the invite I was really excited, because I had only talked with him briefly at a previous party and the invite made me feel wanted. But then yesterday before the party I started feeling really anxious for some reason and briefly considered not going and spending the evening hiding under a rock instead. But I had promised a friend I would go, so I did, and on the way I told myself that after the party I would probably feel really silly for not wanting to go. And indeed, that is what happened. When i got there i kind of hung back talking to friends that i knew, not wanting to really get out of my comfort zone. But every party i have gone to has been a good experience and I always meet new people. So when my friend introduced me to this really cute boy that didnt know anyone else there, i figured what the heck and decided to just practice my social skills and see where things went. He was kind of shy too, so immediately we had something in common. He turned out to be a fascinating person, and I was glad I had taken the risk to get to know him. I didnt really have too much trouble making small talk or coming up with things to say, which was refreshing. I think we clicked, and hopefully it will be the start of a new friendship :)

Kids

I had an awesome time at Scott and Sarah's party last night! I got to see friends and meet my blogger friend Boskers...he seemed like a really neat guy, so hopefully we can be friends in real life too :)

Something that a couple of people mentioned is that i dont talk about my kids in my blog. Some people wonder if i want to keep them a secret and shouldnt tell other people about them. Other people are surprised when they find out about them and ask if they are my "real" kids.

So yes, I'm a proud dad of 3 kids. I think that almost all my real-life moho friends know this, its not a secret. Some of my friends have even met them. They are what keeps me going when i am down, and much of the reason i am still around to write this. How did this come about, you ask? Well, the quick and dirty version is that i got off my mission believing that if I followed the commandments and did everything that was expected of me, I could manage my gay feelings or even have them taken from me. Long story short, it didnt work out that way. So me and their mom are no longer together, but we are (usually) on good terms with each other. The kiddos sleep at my house 3 nights a week, but i see them almost every day. I don't regret trying to follow the right path and having my kids, but i do regret seriously messing with someone else's life (their mom) and depriving 3 more of being raised in a 2-parent home.

Why dont I talk about them much? I guess because this blog is about me and whats going on in my head, and i want to shield them from the internal drama that is David. I'm generally a private person anyway, and since I don't know who all reads this and it will be on the internet forever, I want to keep them out of the "public eye".

I also dont usually talk about them with people i have just met. I feel like talking about them is kind of a reverse coming-out, telling my story about how a gay guy has kids, and its not something to share with relative strangers, especially if i havent assessed their creepiness level yet. Most people are very cool with it, especially mohos who understand the importance of family. One of my requirements for my future Prince Charming is, of course, he has to love children and be willing to love mine as his own.

So that's my story.