Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I Am an Island

Wow, it's been a month since I've posted anything.  My last post alluded to my "screw the world" attitude, and that's probably the reason why.  My mood has been good overall; I've had a few down days, but nothing too significant.  I've just gotten used to being alone, and so I haven't felt the need to share anything.  I guess that has its advantages and disadvantages.  I get lonely sometimes but I have learned to rely on myself for my happiness and not be dependent on other people to feel good about myself.  I don't put up with crap from "friends" anymore since I don't really need them.  

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.

I've found activities that I can enjoy on my own:  reading, hiking, going for walks, etc.  I've focused more on the people that matter...which is mostly family.  I've been a lot less social, have skipped activities that I used to look forward to, and haven't made much of an effort to meet new people.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
It just seems like everyone around me lets me down.  Someone I consider a close friend let me down hard yesterday.  Before I would have ignored it or excused it, but this time I confronted him on it.  He apologized, but for some reason it didn't really mean much.  Before I would have been sad and depressed, but now I'm sad and angry.  It's easiest just to withdraw.  And if I don't have friends or meet anyone to crush on, I won't get hurt.  The only thing I want to make sure of is that I don't withdraw from the people that truly care about me.  I know there are a couple of them, and I want to make sure I don't push them away.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I have some book reviews I want to post, but I think I'm just going to stay away from "feeling" posts for awhile.  I don't want to feel anymore.


shaantvis said...

You know what, I really wish I could say something good, but I can't because I have similar feelings right now. These are difficult emotions to be experiencing and hard to not let them consume you. I commiserate with you.

Rich said...

Unfortunaley many if not most of we moho's have experienced what you describe in your poetry. The search for a mate in the Gay world is difficult at best, add in the church culture and it's a recipie for disaster. My heart goes to each person out there who has to struggle with a lack of self worth and their place in this world. We are taught from day one that being gay is a sin and tho one has finally come out and accepted themselves there is always this deep part of their upbringing which haunts one. This works its way into most relationships we develope. Without a good sense of self worth how can we ever believe that another person could fully love and accept us. My heart breaks when you speak of finding solace in the privacy and protection of your room. There were years when my room was the only safe place on the face of the earth, or at least so I thought. In reality it was the most dangerous place I could be, for in the room was loneliness and sorrow and the more time I spent in that loneliness the worse the feelings of being unlovable got. In a way there is safety in remaining alone and not taking the risk of being hurt. However one day I was sitting with a friend and realized that if I let that fear conquer then I would definately never know love. At least if I kept taking the risk there was the possibility of someday knowing true love. Yes there would be many heartaches along the way and many lonely nights but at least there would be a chance of love and if I didn't take the risk of letting people in then the chance of love was nill. I don't mean to ramble but as I read your post it brought back a lot of memories and I remembered how bad they hurt. So I guess Im trying to say Im sorry your hurting and there are people who understand.

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