Sunday, September 19, 2010

Faith and Bitterness

Two somewhat related topics, and I'll start with the negative one:  I've come to the conclusion that I'm at high risk to become a bitter old man.  I pride myself on being open-minded, accepting of everyone, and respectful of all points of view.  But lately I find myself easily irritated by certain groups of people (e.g. twinks, ultraconservatives, pseudoadults, and ironically, bitter people) and it makes me judge them and not want to be around people in general.  Worse, I've slowly lost my ability to be happy for other people.  I'm not yet at the point where I derive comfort from others' misfortune, but I find that I get jealous of people's successes and think "why can't that be me" rather than be happy for them.  So...I think that all needs to stop right now. I don't want to be that kind of person! It's not who easygoing, nonjudgmental me is! I'm going to focus on being happy for others and not being jealous of them.

Second topic: at church today, I realized that the answer to my Why I Stay post (i.e. why do I keep attending and believing in a church that officially doesn't like me as a gay man) is because of faith.  This actually comes as kind of a relief -- I've been worried about things such as do I stay out of guilt, fear, brainwashing, etc.  But it's because of faith.  The nature of faith is believing something that is impossible to prove by scientific means, even if it doesn't make sense.  A lot of mohos have some level of resentment toward the LDS church, whether it's because of personal experiences, the church's institutional support of Proposition 8, or that the doctrine just doesn't make sense anymore.  I've never really felt that resentment even though I do disagree with some of what the church does/teaches, but I've never been able to pinpoint why.  But I think it's because of the faith I have in a loving father in heaven.  I can't prove he's there, and I can't prove that he is more merciful that what other people may think, but I have faith that he loves me and will judge me on how I treat other people and how honestly and morally I live my life, rather than who I fall in love with or what kind of anatomy I like.  Although I don't necessarily keep all of the commandments as the church has interpreted them, I've pretty much put my life in His hands and rely on His mercy that things will be fair and all get sorted out in the end.  I don't worry too much about things that get in the way, such as Proposition 8 or less-than-Christlike members of the church.  It's all between me and Him.


Bravone said...

It is also my simple faith that keeps me going. I don't understand or necessarily agree with everything that church members and leaders do, but I trust God. It truly is between Him and me.

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