Thursday, January 7, 2010

Am I Healthy?

Well I'm just on a blogging roll lately, aren't I? I read this post that Dichotomy posted and wanted to blog about it while it was fresh in my mind.  He did a good job of outlining a number of elements that a gay mormon guy should have as part of a healthy life. I wonder a lot about how healthy I really am.  I definitely think my outlook on life could use some changes and I could be alot more positive.  But here's how I fit with his criteria.

Honesty with self:  I don't know that I've ever had a problem with this one, even when I was in the closet. I always knew exactly what my feelings were and didn't deny them to myself; it was more of a "ignore them and they won't be a problem" type of thing.  Coming out to certain people definitely made me more honest though -- now I know that the feelings aren't going away and are simply a part of who I am.

Acceptance:  I think I'm ok in this area too.  I very strongly believe that God loves me for who I am, simply because I am his son. All the other details will get worked out in the end.  Meeting and socializing with other mohos has greatly helped with my self-acceptance. It's awesome to know that you're not the only one dealing with your issues.  I don't necessarily consider myself "normal", though, so that's an area to work on.  I've accepted my sexuality, so I need to take the next step and love the rest of myself for who I am, quirks and funny looks and all.

Correctly labeled:  I'm gay. Period.

Honesty with others:  This is an area that could use some work.  I'm out to most of my friends, but that's because most of my friends are gay too.  I'm out to my parents and one sister, but it's a topic that is never discussed.  Supposedly other siblings know, but none of us have ever brought the topic up. I'm not out at work, because my bosses are pretty old-school, but I keep my female coworkers guessing. I'm not out at church either since I moved back to Utah, but that's more because I'm a loner and tend to keep a low profile. I'm not sure what people in leadership positions know; I don't know if my "permanent record" has a big pink GAY stamp on it or not.  On the other hand, I don't really care about who knows and who doesn't.  I'm not afraid of people finding out. I don't really want to rock the boat at work, but I don't care if the girls know or not. Being out at church wouldn't bother me too much either -- in fact, I think it would be interesting to see people's reactions and if it changed how they treated me. I don't think it would affect my activity level either way. I would LOVE to be more out to my family -- I feel so separated from them, and I think it's mostly my fault. I've built this wall that has gotten taller and thicker as time goes on, because I'm afraid of their rejection.  And even though I've come out to some of them, the wall is still there, again I think because of my choosing.  Maybe that's a good New Years resolution...let my family get to know the complete me.

On the path to happiness: Fail. Read the rest of my blog. Hehehe...seriously though, I'm not there yet. I know what would make me happy -- a loving fulfilling relationship with a man that has similar morals and beliefs to mine. I've thought I've found him a couple of times, but either it has turned out I was wrong or he didn't share my feelings. But onward, ever onward...


Anonymous said...

I'm not in the exact position with family because I'm not out to my parents but I am with the other 3 siblings. The closest in age to me is my sister and she is the only other LDS in the family. For a long time, I didn't tell her that I was gay. She is married in the temple, has a little adorable daughter and I didn't want my gayness to blemish her life she was living. We've always been close up until I came home from my mission...I kept her out of my life and I was lonely and she and her little family missed me but when I finally told her, it made us even closer. Coming out to her added one more (three if you include my brother-in-law and my cute little niece) who supported me and loved me no matter what. Maybe I'm just lucky, but I'm always pleasantly surprised when I come out to people. Sometimes people can surprise you, buddy,

A Gay Mormon Boy said...

Thanks for sharing. That was a great post by Dichotomy, and this type of self-assessment can only make it better.

Personally, I identify with you a lot on that honesty section.

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