Tuesday, January 5, 2010

A is to D as D is to J

So I have a certain friend I'll call J.  He's my oldest friend, meaning he's the person I've been friends with the longest out of all the people I regularly or occasionally hang out with. We became friends on the mission...we were never companions but we were in the same district or zone a number of times. We kept in touch after the mission and I even visited him once and met his family. But he moved and I moved and we lost touch for awhile, until both of us ended back up in Utah. He had gotten married and had kids but wasn't too active in the church. But we reestablished our relationship, and he was the first straight friend that I came out to....except then he came out to me. And it turns out he hasn't handled being a closeted married moho too well. Long story short, he's got mental health issues and self-medicates with alcohol. Alot of it, at least on weekends. He can be a hard person to hang out with, and although I can talk him into seeing a movie or going for coffee every once in a while, he usually uses our time together to convince me to go to the bar or club with him, or at least give him a ride. At the beginning I would go with him and watch him get drunk and stupid and make sure he didn't hurt himself, and either give him a ride home or go home by myself after he found a hookup to go home with. Lately I've been distancing myself from him though. I feel bad about it...he has always been there for me no matter what, listening to me cry when I was heartbroken, trying to boost me up when I felt down. And I've been there for him, when his wife kicks him out of the house or when he gets manic or depressed. He's generally a good guy when he's sober...a bit too needy sometimes, but a good guy. He calls alot, way too much sometimes, and gets hurt if I don't answer. We used to talk every day though, even though it was him that did all the calling.  We haven't talked since Christmas though, and I haven't picked up the phone to call him. He likes to hang out with me, and I can tell he feels bad when I'm noncommital about making plans with him. He decided at one point that he liked me as more than a friend, and although I was clear with him that I didn't see him that way, he felt hurt and it still makes things somewhat awkward. I'm not sure what to do with him. :(

I have another friend that acts with me the same way that I act with J. There isn't any alcohol or serious mental health issues between us, but I can be a hard person to hang out with sometimes too.  I think I'm alot less needy with him now that I've been focusing on it, but I text him alot and feel bad when he doesn't answer.  We talk (or text) at least a little bit every day, but it's me that initiates most of the contact. We like hanging out together, but he can sometimes be noncommital about making plans with me. Even though I know it's because he's so busy and is a popular guy and has other friends to hang out with, it still hurts.  I decided at one point that I liked him as more than a friend, and although he was clear with me that he didn't see me that way, I felt hurt and it still makes things awkward occasionally (like when I'm feeling down). I'm not sure what to do with him :)


Anonymous said...

This is a toughie (yes, I just used the word "toughie") but I think that as long as you keep living your life and moving forward despite all these feelings that things will slowly work out. I'm going ahead and calling this faith and you can go ahead and decide if this is a religious application or secular one. Also, hug.

Ben said...

Sometimes I think about these kinds of things and say, "I'm never gonna go gay! There's so much drama!" But then I remember that it's really no different from the straight world. Unrequited love hurts in any shape or form. I know every case has its peculiarities/complications, but I take comfort in the fact that when it comes to relationships, being gay is no more painful/enjoyable than being straight. It's part of the human experience. And I'll shut up now because I'm in no position to talk about relationships, being that I've never been in a relationship.

Clicky Web Analytics