Sunday, February 21, 2010

Being gay: Background

I've never really written my coming out story down, so I think I will outline my story in a series of posts. I'm probably going to leave out alot of the gory details; I'm not a strong person and I've done a few things that I wish I hadn't.  But anyway, here goes.

When did I first realize I was gay? Honestly, I think I knew I liked other boys before I even knew what gay was.  One time in third or fourth grade a friend brought a Playgirl magazine to school that he borrowed from his mom and I remember being very interested in what was in there. I also remember being in kindergarten or first grade and seeing a same-age girl changing out of her swimming suit and not being interested at all.  I remember looking at my dad's anatomy books and looking for the male figures but skipping the female ones.  In junior high I had a few crushes on girls, but it was mostly due to wanting to fit in.  My hormones never got going with them and I never wanted to do anything physical.  On the other hand, the highlight of the school day was showering after gym class and sneaking peeks at the other boys.  However, I never did any "experimenting" with anyone, boys or kissing girls, no crazy scout camps, etc. My first kiss, if you could call it that, was a goodnight peck on the lips with my junior prom date.  In high school I knew I wasn't really interested in girls, but no other guys were "out" -- probably partly because it was a conservative Mormon area, and partly because being gay in high school was alot less accepted then than it is now. My only gay "experience" was at a cast party after a play, and a boy who everyone suspected was dancing around in his underwear and put his crotch in my face. I acted grossed out and disgusted, but in my mind I wanted to go in the other room alone with him and see what happened.  Once I turned 18, when I was a senior, I would go to the magazine shops downtown and look at the gay porn gave me such a rush but it also made me feel incredibly guilty.  And one time an older guy kept smiling at me and followed me outside. He scared the crap out of me and put an end to the magazine stores.  I never felt particularly conflicted about my gay thoughts...I always just figured I would keep them at the back of my mind and not let them out, and live a normal life.


Tysen said...

Man, I can't wait for the rest of the series. Thanks for sharing this with us!

Unknown said...

I remember wanting to go to the porn stores when I turned 18, but I was always to scared. It wasn't until I was 22, that I finally went in one! Never been back since!

Mister Curie said...

I appreciate these types of series. It reminds me that I was a pretty normal kid. I did the exact same thing with my dad's anatomy books and during gym.

Anonymous said...

I wonder when the plot twist is coming!

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