Sunday, March 21, 2010

Holy Positiveness, Batman!

This is more of a journal post; skip over it if you don't care about my life....hahaha that sounds alot more harsh than I meant it to...

This week was pretty blah, and I started the weekend expecting boredom and loneliness, since I'm generally a planner and I had no plans.  It actually turned out to be a really good weekend, though.  Thursday night I hung out with my crush/friend, snuggled during a movie, snuggled during the night without doing anything we shouldn't, and then I made him pancakes for breakfast and we hung out a bit more before going our separate ways. 

Saturday morning one of my future housemates and I went looking at houses, and we found one that both of us really like.  The landlord seemed to like us, so hopefully it will all work out.  We're cutting it kind of close (I have to be out of my current place in a week and a half!) but I'm starting to feel excited and not so stressed.

Saturday night I expected to spend alone, but I figured I would bug my friend/crush and see what he was up to.  I didn't want to monopolize his time, since I had just seen him, but he was just at home doing homework so I asked him if he wanted a food break. To my surprise he said yes (usually he'll say something like David it's too far for you to drive, David you don't have money to be buying me food, blah blah blah) so we ate pizza and ended up watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show. No cuddling or spending the night this time, but we both (I think) had fun.

Which brings me to a little bit of confusion.  I've known this guy for awhile and he knows I have a crush on him, and that I count him as a really good friend and have mostly given up on anything more with him.  He's a really good guy and wouldn't deliberately use me or set out to hurt me.  He was pretty clear with me a few months ago (7 I think?) that we are just friends.  So I'm not expecting or even hoping for anything from him.  BUT...I'm sort of confused.  I know people have different views on cuddling...for some it's just something to do with friends and it doesn't mean anything.  For others (like me) cuddling is something special and intimate, and I generally only do it with someone I really like.  And I definitely don't share my bed with just anyone (friends can sleep on the couch or the floor) and on the off-chance that I did share with a friend, he would be on his side and I would be on mine. No cuddling or rubbing (appropriate body parts) most of the night. No squishing into a twin bed. One wise friend, when I asked him to opine on wth he thought was going on in this guy's head, replied "That's a territory I'm not gonna explore.... And you shouldn't either. You should just go with it and not read into it."  Which is pretty much what I'm I said, not expecting or hoping for anything. But you cuddle whores out there (or anyone else who is better at me than reading signals from confusing guys, which is pretty much everyone) is there such a thing as "just" friendly cuddling in a tiny bed all night long? Does it not mean much of anything?

P.S. -- Maybe my friend/crush is just an idiot...who the f wouldn't fall for a guy that made him pancakes in the morning??!?!?! I sure would!! :D


El Genio said...

"is there such a thing as "just" friendly cuddling in a tiny bed all night long?"

For me: no. However, I do get the impression that a lot of people don't really attach that much meaning to cuddling.

Anonymous said...

Im with El Genio. For me I think that stuff like cuddling should mean something and it means something to me, but the evidence that it actually does to most people is very slim. And I also agree that the territory of "what he was thinking" is a scary place that usually will just cause trouble for people like you and me who think there has to be a motivation for everything, and that it is usually negative.

Im gonna throw out an idea and I haven't really thought it through so don't trust me just yet but, why don't you talk to him about it? I know that this is horrifying. But if he isn't interested in you, is it really that much fun pretending that he might be? I mean, for me it kinda sucks more just holding on to the hope and being disappointed and confused by every little thing the person does. So ask him? Maybe? Then you could move on.

I don't know if this is crazy or even appropriate for your situation. All I know is that I am so sick of just holding onto the hopes of something real that Im no longer afraid to find out if it is. And if it isn't, Im not interested. I don't have that kind of emotion and time to waste.

Of course, in writing this I am assuming that you would like to find a boyfriend that actually loved you the same way you loved them. If you don't know if you want that, well, it gets more complicated.

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